Virgin Bride, Chapter 5

I'M BACK DID YOU MISS ME I sure missed me.

In honor of the St. Louis Cardinals Home Opener, I bring you CHAPTER FIVE.

Truth be told, I haven't read any part of this book since I last updated, so I barely remember what's going on. This will be fun. See you after the jump. :)


We open this chapter with Brady and Kelsey doing mundane things like dishes and CORN (Now we can make whiskey) and showering.

When Kelsey finishes showering, she comes down to see some random dude in their front yard. He drives a sort of fancy car, but he looks like an aging, craggy cowboy who needs a haircut. He asks for Kelsey or Brandon, and they shake hands, and Kelsey ogles at the diamond and onyx on his ring.

Also, this dude has alligator boots. Steve Irwin is crying in heaven.

He introduces himself as Hargett, and before anything else can happen, Brady ROARS (yes roars, it's in the book) back to the house and is pissed as hell. Because, obiously, he knew by his Spidey Sense that someone he knew and didn't like showed up at the farm while he was off feeding cattle.

Brady asks what Hargett is doing here, and it's apparently tied up with Brady's previous debt (or his pimp, I don't know), and he's upset because he still has two weeks. He tells Kelsey to go into the house, and typically she refuses.

"You don't tell me what to do!" she spouted off.

 Brady was not in the least amused by her rebellious attitude, but Hargett chuckled. "I like a gal with spunk."

Brady shot Hargett a lethal look before turning back to Kelsey. "In this case," he countered firmly, "I am telling you what to do." When she still refused to budge, Brady took Kelsey by the arm and led her to the porch steps, well out of earshot of Hargett, who was still sending them both interested looks. "This doesn't concern you."

Okay, I get that Brady doesn't want Kelsey involved in this affair, be it his debt or prostitution or whatever, but the way to get a rebellious, stubborn woman to cut it out is NOT to act this way. You know, like a misogynistic prick.

Kelsey tells Brady that everything he does on the ranch is her concern and Brady says this doesn't and GOOD GOD PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP. If it's that big of a deal, Brady, just leave for two minutes, gawd.

He again tells Kelsey to go inside, and she still doesn't move. Like we really needed this said four times. Brady takes my advice and says he and Hargett are leaving.

Kelsey finally backs down and goes inside with plans to eavesdrop. She stomps off like a ten year old, and swears that Brady is going to pay for this. Because, you know, Brady couldn't possibly have something he might want to keep private and even though they're married, it's hammered in every single chapter that it's a marriage of convenience and they aren't even having sex so what the hell does it matter to her anyway?

Yeah. I did not miss this book.

Brady, in a rare intelligent move, walks around the pick up truck so Kelsey can't see them from the windows. The two talk a bit about the deal Brady made and how he doesn't want Kelsey to know about it. Hargett knows Brady is married, and apparently he knows because "his people do a search of the state records everyday."

Hargett is a creepy-pants. I like Hargett. Sort of.

Anyway, when he saw Brady's name, he decided to go out to the ranch and be a nuisance. Brady complains that Kelsey's going to ask him QUESTIONS. Hargett gives him a "bitch please" response, and tells him that Brady needs to tell Kelsey about his prostitution, I mean, his past.

Hargett once again reiterates that in two weeks, Brady will have to go back to work for him (Brady claims he'll have met his conditions for freedom by then. Seriously, what the hell was he doing?).

After Hargett leaves, Brady goes back to the house where Kelsey is waiting for him with her bandanna gagging her.

Rightfully worried, he asks what happens and she pulls her bandanna off.

"Oh, I can talk now?" she queried innocently. 

Too late, Brady wished his "gag order" had stayed in effect. He rubbed at the back of his neck again. "I'm sorry I had to order you inside like that," he said. 

In case you didn't catch it yet, I loathe these two.

Brady tells Kelsey he didn't want her talking to him. And instead of acting like an adult, he tells her nothing as to why. Brady tells Kelsey he used to work for Hargett, and when Kelsey asks if it was as a cowhand, it's obvious it wasn't

Seriously, if it's not Prostitution, I'm quitting.

Finally, he tells her he was a jack-of-all-trades, though it's obvious it was something illegal and not quite on the level.

Kelsey asks why he quit, and he says he didn't like what he was doing. Kelsey, instead of getting the hint that Brady doesn't want to talk about something that could dredge up bad memories (for all she knows, someone could have died, he could have gotten hurt, etc.), she badgers him as to why he didn't like what he was doing, why Hargett showed up, if he wants Brady to work for him again, etc.

Apparently Kelsey could hear across a driveway and through a window and a truck, because this happens:

The soft edges of Kelsey's lips turned up in a slight smile (C: Cut it out with soft lip edges. Just say she smiled, for god's sake) "So why couldn't I hear you tell him that?" she asked casually (C: I abuse adverbs like nobody's business, but this is a little much) . 

It was all Brady could do to not roll his eyes and/or beg for mercy. "Because Hargett and I don't get along all that well. He's a pretty blunt-spoken man and there's never any telling what he's going to say. I didn't want you to witness any unpleasantness."

How chivalrous of you, Brady.

Kelsey finally sort of accepts this as an answer, but Brady is still lying. He claims that Kelsey could have had her heart broken if she heard too much. Wait, loveless marriage, remember? Though in the next sentence he says he's going to have to tell her as soon as his debts clear, so he's going to break her heart anyway. Forget my heart, I think my brain is broken from these majestic, Olympian leaps of logic. If there was an Olympic sport for stupid logic leaps, Kelsey and Brady would compete for top spot.

Kelsey comes to the conclusion that she wasn't in danger (which might have been a reasonable excuse for Brady acting like that towards her), and Brady affirms this. He then hugs her, which is something he wanted to do from the moment he met her. They have some cutesy barf inducing dialogue about how the other is difficult, and Kelsey says she knows he's not telling everything.

The next paragraph is so ridiculous, I have to type it out here without comment for you to laugh at:

Brady could feel her body melting against him, even while her will remained as feisty and difficult as ever. He grinned as he realized he wanted her to surrender to him heart and soul. Pushing her hair back away from her face, he brushed his thumb across her lips and told her softly, "A little mystery is good for every marriage, haven't you heard?"

Pro-tip: Don't take marriage advice from Brady Anderson.

Brady then kisses her, and rubs his lips across her. I am trying to imagine this and I'm just sort of grossed out. Kelsey kisses him back and her knees tremble. He also observes that there's an innocence to her even though she's totes kissing him back like a harlot (I don't know, men in romance novels are weird). Brady wants to take her upstairs and do her, but he won't! Won't I say!

He draws back, and thinks that "there would be time for more kisses. Maybe even time for wooing her and making her his woman, as well as his wife." So the two aren't mutually exclusive, got it.

Of course, he can't do that right now because they have a ranch to run! You know, the ranch they saved by getting married. He steps away from Kelsey and she's disappointed. He tells her it's time to go look at horses and ponies. I'm jealous. I want to look at horses and ponies!

The two look at horses and argue over prices. The haggling is awful, and the women at the Ladies' Market in Hong Kong, with whom I learned to haggle, would be clucking their tongue in shame. It's a lot of fun if you do it right, and Brady is just a dickwad about it.

He gets his price, though, so they buy the horses and continue on looking at tack. Kelsey is irritated that Brady didn't let her negotiate. Even though she has a fifty percent ownership, Brady decides that she's not to be trusted because she can't haggle worth beans. Instead of teaching her, he just berates her for it.

Kelsey asks how he got so good at negotiating, and he replies that his dad was a skinflint and he picked it up from him. He then asks her about her parents' attitude towards money, and she says they never had enough of it.

This is why she's such a crappy negotiator! Because she doesn't want to count pennies like her parents had to! No wonder her ranch was so deep in debt she had to get married to an asshole. Brady says nothing about it.

The tack they look at next is in horrible condition, but Brady claims it's good quality and they should buy it. Once again, I do not care. It's bizarre. I don't  want to read the romance, I don't want to read the non-romance. One might conclude I don't want to read this book. Might.

When Kelsey complains about the condition of the gear, Brady takes her by the elbow and moves her away from the stuff. There's no mention of someone watching them, so I have no idea why he had to move her except to exert his superiority over her. She really is a numbnuts, though, because Brady lectures her on how buckles are cheap but not harnesses while wondering to himself how she can look so fresh and pretty. Brady hammers it into her how expensive stuff is, and it's simultaneously amusing because Kelsey's stupid and horrifying because he's acting so ridiculously overbearing about it.

Kelsey says that it's all well and good, BUT SHE CAN'T REPAIR TACK.

Hey, Smarty-pants, obviously Brady can if he wants to do this.

I'm wondering how on earth Kelsey manages to wake up and get through each day without a severe head trauma. The only way this could get more facepalmingly awful is if Kelsey were in an action romance novel instead. I can just tell she'd be the type of heroine to thrust herself into danger because she can TOTES TAKE CARE OF HERSELF AND NO ONE CAN TELL HER WHAT TO DO.

Brady decides to be amiable and offers to teach her how to repair tack. Of course, it's revealed he's doing this so he can spend time with her so he can DO HER. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but Brady is such a horn dog and it's annoying.

Kelsey gives in to buying the damaged equipment, and Brady wants to kiss her. Instead they go home in time for supper. They carry their new crap to the barn. Brady goes to care for the stock, and hopes Kelsey would have started supper and that they will have some kissin' time later. HOwever, his hopes are dashed when he goes inside and finds the truck gone and a note that reads "Back Tomorrow. K.L."

How delightful. If I had a husband and he left for the night with a note, I'd be pissed. Regardless if it was a marriage of convenience or not (especially after they shared a hot kiss before shopping).

Frowning, Brady looked around and found one other thing missing as well.

His dignity.

And here ends this chapter.