Ladies and Gentleman, I give you TEMPTED.
WELL, TARNATION!
Apparently the man who'd mail-ordered Hope Savage hadn't expected her, for he seemed a bit taken aback by her language and her duds. But Whooey, was he a looker! The parson's saintly face made the Appalachian firebrand weak in her knees - and the preacher's perfect body made her want to wail a hymn of thanksgiving. Still, every time she got a hand on the rascally fellow, he managed to skedaddle, shrieking about the Good Book. Heck, she'd seen a few good books and she was hoping to learn if what she'd read was true. There she was, waiting to be set upon by her new husband, and all he wanted to do was make a lady out of her.
Well, maybe she'd let him. Then perhaps she could show him that it's sometimes nice to be naughty and that something heavenly could come from being...Tempted.
And after the jump, I'll post the cover.
Poor sap. I'd be freaked out too if some woman was randomly undressing me while I was trying to read the Bible.
Before I start, I just have to say Monica Roberts has the same agent as Jim Butcher. I mean, I knew she represented romance authors, but seriously. The same woman who sold the Dresden files sold this.... thing.
The woman deserves all the medals.
Chapter One
Not even joking, the first two characters that are given names in this book are Dead-Eye Stiles and Shaky Jake Bradley.
The gathered men laughed and pummeled each other.Is that what men do? They just... randomly punch each other in the face while talking about ravishing a woman? IS THIS THE REAL LIFE.
We're like three sentences in and I've already used this gif.
So, it's one of those books. The hero's name is Michael Mulgrew. In any case, these men are all waiting for the stagecoach to arrive with a bunch of mail order brides, including the good Reverend Michael's. He has "the itch", and celibacy is hard, so you know what you have to do. Buy a woman, I s'pose. Mike keeps his life ordered by lists, which is an ideal I can envy. Lists are pretty much the only way I get anything done around my house.
Shy Boggs asks if he's getting a wife to clean for him. Shy doesn't seem very shy, and apparently he thinks it strange when people clean things. Frenchy Fortier tells off another man for wanting to have sex with his wife. CAN THE CUTESY FAKE WESTERN NAMES PLEASE STOP. Also, what.
Also apparently Mike is the DENSEST twenty-seven year old man who lives in a mining boom town. He apparently has no idea how have sexual intercourse. Good Lord in Heaven, I can tell already, this is going to be painful.
Mike all of a sudden saves the life of the grandson of a Gypsy woman by pulling him out of the way of a carriage. Ziganya, the woman, gives him his fortune telling for free. Although by the way it's worded, it's up in the air if this is Ziganya speaking or her sobbing grandson.
"You. I give you for free what others pay for. You will have surprises, but you will find your dream only after much discord."
"Pure superstition," he said, having done his good deed and not wanting to encourage her godless ways. He looked dismissively into the distance.
Ziganya, the gypsy is all like 'LOL WE'RE GONNA MEET AGAIN YOU DOUCHE' and then leaves. Then the stagecoach of women arrives and the men are all antsy. One is named "Bart Stoker" and I legit read it as "Bram Stoker". Sadly, this novel is not about the Dracula novelist's adventures in a mining town.
Poor Mike prayed fervently to have a good wife and I'm not looking forward to see what comes of his prayers. Especially since this is NOT an Inspirational romance. Ugh.
The scene shifts to a woman on the coach named No-Account Savage.
Ahem.
For some bizarre reason I thought this book takes places in Texas but it takes place in California in 1853. N-A muses to herself about this town and how it was where she belonged now. Then this strange conversation takes place.
"We're almost there," she shouted, her violet eyes shining with excitement [C: of course they're violet. They're always violet].
"Thank God for that," said the man who sat nearest her. He held a bandanna to his face when she bounced near.
"I'll tell my preacher husband you said that. He'll be mighty pleased ta know you're a prayin' man."
Like. What the hell. Why does she randomly want to tell Mike about this random guy on a stagecoach? Has she literally never met another religious person in her life, in 1853?!
Whatever. Anyway, N-A thinks back to when some dude crawled back to sit with her and said that he heard she was a girl. Like. What. I'm not kidding.
"I hear you're a gal."
I should try that next time I think a dude is fetching. "So, I hear you're a dude." "What?" "YOU'RE A MAN. I'M A WOMAN. LET'S GET JIGGY WIT IT!"
Anyway, he tried to be all gropey but she whipped out a knife and threatened him. No one bothered her after that because they're not stupid. She's also traveling with her brother, named Slow. I am praying and hoping that he isn't mentally handicapped in any way because I don't think I could handle it.
The other passengers don't know he's her brother, but they assume he's witless. Since we haven't actually seen him do anything other than sleep, I'm holding out hope.
She hoped the parson had a kindly way with simple folk like Slow.
Also apparently their dad used to regularly beat Slow until N-A threatened to whip him.
For some dumbass reason the stage coach driver decides to get into a race with another stage. Or wagon. It's unclear. Anyway, N-A gives Slow some food and then they stop. No word on who won this SPELLBINDING race.
I mean, I just HAVE TO KNOW WHO WON. WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME?!
N-A looks around the gathered men, trying to figure out which was is her future husband. She doesn't like beards. She sniffs derisively at the other women who are wearing skirts, because... god I don't know. This is 1853. Women wore skirts, a lot from what I've heard. Rumor is that women wearing britches (like N-A is) was rare.
But they're just rumors, folks.
One of the other women is kissed soundly by her future husband as soon as their introduced.
And with that, we switch back to Mike.
The dude who kissed the woman is Frenchy Fortier, and his future wife apparently lays into him. Mike calls him a "former squaw man" and I am scared to death to even look up what that might mean because I don't think I could handle it.
Something tells me this book is not going to be sensitive to race issues when we have a fortune telling Gypsy and a 'squaw man' in the first chapter alone.
A ladylike woman steps down next, and everyone thinks it's going to be Mike's wife, but obviously she's not, as she's a widow. That was a run on sentence and I'm sorry. Bram Stoker is matched with Mina Harker- I'm sorry, I mean Ada Crump. There's also a set of twins that get matched up. There is a lot of mocking because they're skinny and someone calls them witches.
This is making my head hurt.
Mike goes looking for his wife, and the stage coach driver points out No-Account. Mike had mistaken her for a boy at first, and I'm thinking that could have only improved this book.
yaaaaas!
N-A comes over and introduces herself. Everyone around is silent. There was some mix up on her name, so Mike is even more confused.
His dreams of a perfectly run household and sweet words of affection toppled like trees in an avalanche. He became aware that the gathering now viewed his misfortune with amusement. chuckles and low rumbles reached his ears. They were laughing at him.
Confound it! This didn't fit into his life plan at all. It just didn't fit.
You... could... not marry her. Just sayin'.
N-A talks about "yerbs" and wanting to heal Mike because he looks sick. He still thinks she's the wrong person. BTW she's one of fourteen children, which is two more than my grandparents had. Mike is so flummoxed that he ends up complimenting her writing style. Which, of course, isn't even worthwhile considering someone else wrote it for her.
N-A also smells pretty bad. Apparently she hasn't had a bath ever.
He realized that No-Account had boldly taken stock of him from head to toe when she announced, "I an never seen a man so purty. You're a big one, too. How's the weather up there?"
She then goes on to ask where his tent is, and he's confused. I'm pretty sure Mike spends most of his life confused.
He says he has to find accommodations for her, because they're not married I guess.
Wait a minute, so all these women come as mail order brides. One would assume they'd be marrying their men pretty soon, right? Why not right that day? I mean, unless they want a courtship first? But they already decided to get married. And Mike is a reverend. Why isn't he having some big marriage service? Are they putting it off the next day?
THESE ARE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
Mike is so bemused by all of this that he just starts walking home.
Someone yelled, "Hey Mike, don't scratch that itch till you're sure you won't catch something."
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER, CARL.
So apparently my questions about weddings are answered because the saloon barkeep is way more on the ball than Mike is, as he's like 'DUDE. YOU HAVE SOME WEDDINGS TO PERFORM YOU IDIOT."
Mike then tells everyone the weddings will happen the next day at noon. People decide to bet on whether or not "Preacher Perfect" is going to marry No-account. It's all very twee.
No-Account according the the book summary
*shudder*
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