The Virgin Bride said, "Wow" Chapter Eight

I'm sick and there's nothing else to do but drink pepto bismal and whine.




Chapter 8 opens with Kelsey being understandably nosy and asking about Roxanne, I mean Rexanne (REXANNE). Kelsey and Brady are driving home to Laramie.

Brady's all like IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO AND SHE WAS A COWORKER and tries to shut Kelsey down. Kelsey has some internal monologue about how she won't understand Brady until she understands what he's running away from. It's easy, Kel. He's an idiot. The end.

Side note: but why do people use the term "midnight blue?" MIDNIGHT IS BLACK. LIKE MOST OF THE NIGHT SKY AFTER TWILIGHT.

Brady launches into an explanation about the stupidly named woman in his past. Guys were just salivating after her and apparently had SEVERAL failed engagements. Now, I know several people who were engaged twice (once failed and once worked). I don't know if I've met anyone who's been engaged more than that, and it kind of weirds me out.

Unsurprisingly, the reason Brady liked her is because he liked the challenge of going after a "wild woman" like that and taming her. Blech. Is this really a thing? I mean, I've seen it a lot, but it's just irritating when used as a plot device. Brady also reveals he's a lot like Kelsey in that he dated a lot of girls but none of them were interesting enough to be "the One." Obviously Brady has never dated a real person in his entire life. I find lots of people interesting and I don't even date them.

Brady reiterates that Rexanne only kept his interest because she was unattainable. WE GET IT. STOP TELLING US. Meanwhile, Kelsey is insecure because the situation mirrors her own. NO IT DOESN'T. REXANNE JUST SO HAPPENS TO DATE A LOT LIKE YOU DID BUT BRADY DID NOT SEEK YOU OUT.

"Rexanne played hard to get?" Kelsey guessed, aware she was beginning to feel just a tad bit jealous for the first time in her life.

Bitch, you are constantly jealous of your sisters, shut up you liar.

In any case, Brady affirms that Rexanne played hard to get, but they still went on dates? Brady also apparently had women lined up wanting to marry him. What a Douchecanoe. I bet he just imagined that they did and really they were lined up trying to see if he was really as much of a numbnuts as their friends insisted.

Okay, I have to just copy this paragraph because it makes no sense.

Brady nodded. "Oh yeah. She made me work for that first date, and every one after that. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't find that exciting at the time, 'cause I did." He paused to shoot Kelsey a brief, honest look before returning his attention to the road. "Here, I had all these other women lined up, wanting to marry me. Whereas Rexanne wouldn't give me the time of day."

Didn't you say three seconds ago that you went on dates with her? But she wouldn't give you the time of day? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON.

After Rexanne "agreed" (I have no idea to what, marriage? A solid relationship? BDSM?), problems started happening on Brady's side.

I... guess it is marriage because then Brady says he felt trapped and knew he didn't love her, not in the way that would make a marriage last. And then mentions wedding plans. Ugh. Write clearly, Ms. Thacker!

Rexanne denied she had any issues even though she totes did. She was only marrying him because she "couldn't let her family down again" and she was determined to prove "she could remain faithfully devoted to just one man."

I guess happiness doesn't factor into ANY of these stupid people's decisions?

Anyway, during the wedding rehearsal, Rexanne was all like "hey gorgeous" to Brady's best man, Zeke. We all know what happens next, Rexanne fell in love with Zeke, Brady sees the "connection", confronts them, calls of the wedding. BUT THERE IS A WEDDING AFTER ALL BECAUSE REXANNE MARRIES ZEKE THE NEXT DAY. Who the hell DOES that? I mean, that never happens, does it? Because wow, what a douche move. Even if Brady is a douchecanoe that's still a douche move. EVEN CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE WAITED LONGER THAN THAT.

Brady tells Kelsey that experience made him reevaluate his life. He wasn't happy (no duh, his fiance married his best man on the day THEY were supposed to get married).

"I'd been counting on my marriage to Rexanne, the acquisition of a wife and kids and a satisfying family life of my own, to make me happy. But in retrospect, I realized the vague sense of dissatisfaction I had was more deeply rooted than that," he told her seriously. 

 Yeah, maybe if you weren't a Douchecanoe who calls marriage an "acquisition of a wife" you wouldn't be deeply satisfied with your horrible attitude.

So Brady went off to find himself and decided he was happy ranching, HAPPIER THAN HE'S EVER BEEN IN HIS LIFE GUISE.

Kelsey asks if he still wants a wife and kids, and Brady tells her he already has a wife. Then he kisses her palm which might have been sweet if these two weren't so back-and-forth about doing it. He then follows up by saying he wouldn't mind a few kids.

Kelsey blushed and tried not to think about how those kids he wanted would likely be made. Knowing Brady, it wouldn't be in some test tube or medical lab.

Wtf...

Brady laced his arm around her shoulders (C: ouch!) and leaned down to whisper in her ear. "We could always adopt if you don't want to do it the old-fashioned way," he teased.

Seriously, wtf?!

 Kelsey's flush deepened, despite her efforts to remain cool, calm and collected. That was the problem, if she ever had children with Brady, she did want to do it the old-fashioned way. And judging from the look on his face, he knew it, too

Learn how to punctuate, please. Also just do it already.


 Kelsey changes the subject and brings up Hargett. Brady tells her that he worked for him during the whole Rox-I mean, Rexanne, shenanigans. Thacker abuses commas some more. Kelsey asks Brady if Hargett owns a savings and loan, which Brady denies. Kelsey probes more, despite Brady's irritation. Kelsey tells herself that Hargett's and Brady's tension is driving a wedge between her and Brady. I don't' know, maybe the fact that you two are complete morons who won't be honest with each other about what you want out of marriage is driving a wedge between you too. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW I'M NOT A ROMANCE AUTHOR.

But she doesn't say anything. Kelsey finally figures out that Hargett is a loan shark. Brady laughs at her question, saying he never though about it that way. I don't even. Just effing tell her, Brady, because this is the worst "tension" ever.

The dull twosome stop and check out some cattle. They buy the cattle, and Kelsey notes that Brady would make a good businessman. She's still pissy about him not telling her about Hargett, though. Kelsey does make a good point that she wants Brady to trust her with his past so they could be honest, and that they'd have real intimacy.

OF COURSE SINCE SHE'S INSISTING THAT THIS BE A TEMPORARY MARRIAGE IT SHOULDN'T MATTER GOD WOMAN JUST BE HONEST YOURSELF I HATE YOU ALL DIE DIE DIE DIE

IN

A

FIRE.

Sorry about that. I'm better now. I hope.

Brady is all condescending and tells her that a rancher IS a businessman. Kelsey grabs the mail, which is all for her. Brady is all irritated that she's trying to turn him into something he's not (wtf, she just said he'd make a good businessman remove the twist from your panties you douchecanoe).

Kelsey apologizes, though she shouldn't have to since Brady is a douchecanoe, and gets out of the truck. They stand randomly behind the truck and admire the weather. Kelsey then admits she knows "how it is to have people wishing you were something you aren't".

God. Cry some more.

When Brady asks if she's talking about her sisters, she says everyone who knows her. Maybe the problem here is YOU, Kelsey.

"Everybody has an idea what I should be. Secretary, flight attendant, saleswoman- you name it, I've not only been pushed to those jobs, I've held them."

Wow, she was a flight attendant? ALSO, SHUT UP YOU ARE A MORON I DOUBT ANYONE TOLD YOU TO GO RANDOMLY BE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

Also, she apparently had twenty-four jobs in six years. Holy Shit, woman. Kelsey is a bit surprised that Brady knew that staggering fact.  That's four jobs a year. How the hell do you even do that, I've had three jobs since I was 15 and I'm nearly 27.

Brady then reveals everyone (yes, pretty much everyone) warned him not to go into partnership with Kelsey FOR A VERY GOOD REASON APPARENTLY my god.

Kelsey found herself bristling at the implied criticism of her past.

 Bitch, if you can't keep a job for more than three months for six straight years then dear LORD almighty you should expect criticism. I hate you so much. Brady doesn't, though, because he explains he wanted to get into partnership with Kelsey even though it's apparently a very, very stupid idea.

She couldn't imagine being involved with someone who wasn't honest with her. Because without truth, what was there? 

 

OH MY GOD SHUT UP YOU RAGING, FLAMING, REMARKABLY DUMB HYPOCRITE I HATE YOU AGGGGHGHHHH

Kelsey then remembers she has a date with Rafe Marshall (oh snap), and tells Brady she has to be somewhere at seven. Brady asks if he can go with her, which would be awkward but funny. Unfortunately, my madcap slapstick isn't to be, as Kelsey asks Brady to stay and take care of the ranch.

Brady stepped close enough for her to take in the tantalizing masculine fragrance of his skin and hair and the warmth of is body. Was it her imagination or did he have loving her on his mind?

What.

Brady asks if she'll be here for dinner and runs a hand down her arm like a creeper. Kelsey just grunts at him like a teenager. Then she says No. And then asks him to take the laptop back to her sister. Brady agrees. And then Kelsey goes to get ready for her date and DEAR GOD THIS IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER.