So, I'm crabby (when will people learn that not getting what they want doesn't necessarily equal me not being helpful? I'm giving you lots of options, just not the ugly-ass ones you want. It's a good thing I'm not allowed to say what I'm thinking to the customers who call in...), tired, and hungry.
Click away!
The Virgin Bride said, "Wow!"
Chapter Two
Now, I wrote at the top of the first page of Chapter two, "Next up, on Intervention. . ." because really, do you honestly believe it's anything else?
We're treated to a round of introductions to characters from the previous novels. Obviously, I don't care about any of them so it's pandering to those who did read the previous novels. Since I'm sure these characters really don't matter much, I'll spare you the list.
Kelsey's sister opens the chapter by saying she can't believe Kelsey did this. Kelsey retorts that it feels like an intervention, to which another sister confirms her joke.
Yeah, totally called it.
Her sisters claim they have her best interests at heart, and I really don't blame them. Perhaps more people should have interventions... before they get married, not after. After kind of defeats the purpose, I suppose, not that her sisters had any idea what she was going to do.
Kelsey's not having any of it, so she does the only thing she CAN do (on the contrary, I can think of a dozen other things to do, but then again, I didn't randomly marry some dude to get a loan because this town is stuck in 1865), and that's make out with Brady in front of everyone.
Of course, this kiss is OH SO MAGICAL and everything fades away until it's just the two of them. Right. I've kissed boys in front of other people and I've always been hyper aware of people watching me. And add in the fact that everyone watching is critical? Yeah, right.
Immediately, Kelsey's family falls for it (Well, some chick named Lilah does anyway). KISSES R SO CONVINCING GUISE. Immediately, everyone leaves. I don't know, but if I were Kelsey's sister, I'd be a total Nosy Nancy and be all 'OMG SO LIEK ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BIG RECEPTION SO WE CAN CELEBRATE? HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE BONING WHATSHISFACE? HEY, BITCHFACE, WHY WASN'T I YOUR BRIDESMAID? I'M NOT GETTING YOU A GIFT NOW. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS?' instead of leaving immediately after they supposedly give proof of being in love.
But that's just me.
Brady is pretty regretful, supposedly, and he tells Kelsey he feels they're in a huge mess. NOW it occurs to you? Brady is almost as moronic as Kelsey.
His probing glance made a leisurely tour of her body before returning to her eyes. "And speaking of pulverizing me, what was that kiss about just now?"
Yeah, definitely as moronic as Kelsey. The entire family is all rightfully concerned about their quick marriage, and to shut them up, Kelsey makes out with him? What did he think it was about, she got really jacked up for a kiss right then?
Kelsey explains why she did it (really?), and reiterates to the reader that they promised no sex. Haha. Right. Kelsey is someone upset because the kiss felt too good, and it was better than she ever experienced.
Apparently, I'm more experienced than her, and I'm a nearly twenty-four year old virgin. I've had some awesome smooches. Kelsey is dismally inexperienced, and that's kind of funny to me. Guess she never let any guy kiss her quite like that on her many dates.
Brady is, understandably upset, and wonders if they're going to have to keep up "making it look good." Kelsey is an idiot and asks what he means. He explains about Wade taking their ranch if the marriage is fake, and Kelsey explains her GENIUS plan that absolutely NO ONE would second guess.
"The way I see it, there are all kinds of marriages that are as real as can be and yet...well, you know how it is after a while," Kelsey continued as if she knew what she was talking about when she damn well didn't have a clue. "The husband and wife don't seem at all romantic anymore, or even much involved with each other physically, and yet they stay together."
Yeah, after ten years maybe, Kelsey.
"There's a difference between being together and being happy," Brady pointed out sagely.Dude... if you didn't want a sexless marriage why did you get hitched? These characters irritate me. I guess it's supposed to show how it was a spur-of-the-moment thing and to save their ranch, but it's just so not believable. This plot sucks.
"That's true," Kelsey said, "but we could be together and be happy without having sex."
Brady lifted a brow and looked straight into her eyes. "Speak for yourself," he said.
He just knew someone had to shake up Kelsey's cock-eyed view of the world. It looked like it would have to be him. He edged closer. "I don't know any man who is living under the same roof with a woman he lusts after, who is happy when the two of them aren't sleeping together once in a while," . . .
Of course, he could bring this up when they decided on a sexless marriage. Now he's changing his mind. Since I read ahead quite a bit... I can tell you right now that Brady doesn't stop changing his mind. Kelsey is fickle, but lordy, it's not nearly as annoying as Brady's stupid Edward Cullen routine. Kelsey zeroes in on the fact that Brady lusts after her, and is a bit irritated at his presumption that he's going to live under the same roof as her.
Brady insists that he will. Nice, guy. How very date rape of you. However, he does have a good point. No one would believe they're really married if he lives out in the tack room. So Kelsey offers him another bedroom, and he tells her this doesn't solve the problem of lust.
Now, if I were Kelsey at this point, I'd tell him he can get himself a few playboys and have fun locking himself in the bathroom if he was that concerned about it. Kelsey takes it as Brady trying to intimidate her into admitting the whole marriage is a mistake and wiggling out of their loan and everything. I wouldn't give him so much credit, but I'm a jaded, jaded soul.
Kelsey decides she has only one option at this point. Now, I could come up with a dozen other alternatives, but I'm just not as desperate as Kelse, I suppose. Her option is very, very stupid, as are the rest of her decisions up til this point.
"Fine then, we'll sleep together once, and then that will be it. At least until we decided it's necessary to do so again. It'll be a good thing, "Kelsey continued, picking up steam as she went along.
In what universe is this a good thing? I'm serious here. Either not having any sex or having regular sex would make more sense than this!
"Now that we're married, everybody is going to be trying to figure out if we've slept together or not, anyway," she told him with as much outrageous brazenness as ever.
No, they won't, because they assume you will and won't care. At least if they're normal people.
Brady narrowed his eyes at her thoughtfully. To Kelsey's disappointment, he didn't back down one bit, either. "That's a very typically male view of things," Brady said, mocking her too-casual tone to a T.
I have no idea wtf he is arguing about or what the hell he means by this being a male view of things. The "typical" male view would be, "Let's just get it on as often as we can", wouldn't it? I don't know, I'm a girl.
They argue some more and Brady brings up the fact that she's a tomboy. I don't know what this has to do with anything, but Kelsey takes it as a compliment. I don't think it was, sweetie-pants. Kelsey goads him on and starts playing with his shirt buttons and essentially orders him to go upstairs with him. She starts stripping as she goes up the stairs, and I headdesking all over the place.
Kelsey is wearing a lacy, transparent black bra. All I can think of is 10 Things I Hate About You. "You don't buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it!" Amen, Bianca. Amen.
Brady compares the scene to the wildest, most erotic dream he'd ever had. That's not a joke, folks. Brady has really mundane wet dreams.
Hey, guys, Kelsey wears orange-blossom perfume. She smells like Pinesol! How arousing!
Brady muses on the fact that the two never even shook hands with him in the time they've known each other. I'm just amused by this particular detail, since I hate shaking hands with people (I just hate touching people in general). Brady follows him as Kelsey sends a shower of clothes in her wake. Apparnetly, Kelsey wears lacy panties, too. I'm not an expert, since most of my underwear is cotton because no one's going to see it, but wouldn't lace chafe while horse-back riding? Thoughts, readers?
He heard her laughing then the sound of her footsteps moving toward her bedroom. His lower half surging to life, Brady headed for the stairs.
I wrote in the margin, "OMG ZOMBIE LEGS." I stand by this statement.
Kelsey was already beneath the covers in her bedroom. Her cheeks were flushed but there was a telltale devilry in her eyes, and a challenging tilt to her chin. "Are we going to get this over with or not?" she said.
That's a question, not a statement. Also, most romantic woman ever.
Brady immediately contradicts Kelsey's earlier assertion that they'll only have one sexual encounter and demands exclusive rights to her bedroom. He's the most romantic man ever. At least he offers her the same courtesy. But still. Guy needs a chill pill.
Kelsey agrees, forgetting her earlier assertion, and Brady strips.
Her pretty green eyes widend as he stripped off his socks and low-slung red briefs, too.
My mother wouldn't buy them for me! She said they were Satan's Panties!
(I like movies that mention underwear, wanna fight about it?).
They have a bit more talk about their future sexual encounters, and Brady jumps into bed all rarin' to go. Brady teases her, saying that if he didn't know any better, he would have thought she hadn't done this before. Haha, oh, Cathy Gillen Tucker, you're so clever. They kiss, and this goes into some slightly purple prose. Kelsey quivers, nipples are hot aching peaks, that kind of thing. When Brady starts lowering his hand, Kelsey flips out and says she can't do it.
DUN DUN DUN end of chapter.
I'm going to go eat a personal pizza and watch Miss Congeniality now. :P
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