Stunningly Brilliant I am. Or something.
Enough dithering. Review after the jump.
Brady is upset with Kelsey after her little freak out shenanigans in the last chapter. You can't really blame the guy, especially as it hasn't occurred to him that Kelsey might be freaking out because she's a virgin. She says so, and covers herself up with embarrassment. Brady is pretty stunned.
"So now you know." She took a breath, and kept her eyes from Brady's naked, gloriously sexy body. Doing her best to build on what little dignity she had left, she said, "I trust you won't tell anyone else."
. . .
Yeah. Because being a virgin is the most shameful thing in the universe. It's SO BAD that no one else can know. NO ONE ELSE CAN KNOW THAT KELSEY HASN'T HAD SEX. There must be something WRONG with her, if she hasn't done the deed at the ripe old age of... well, I don't know Kelsey's age, but SHE'S AN ADULT WITH A RANCH SO IT MUST BE PRETTY BAD.
I really, really hate this book. I hate it with the fire of a thousands suns. I'm nearly twenty-five, and I honestly don't give a crap who knows that I'm a virgin. You know why? Because my self-worth isn't dependent upon my sexual experience. I made a conscious decision, and even if I HADN'T I still wouldn't be ashamed.
Hey, did you know that the only thing that's as shameful as being a virgin is not being a virgin?
It's true, you know.
Brady is still pretty stunned, and he asks what the striptease was about. Kelsey explains that she thought it would be nice to have sex with him, and eyes him in the process.
He was solid muscle from head to toe. And lower still, below his waist... Oh, my. My!
Kill me. Please.
Brady then gets upset because he figures out that Kelsey was using him to get experience and to keep up with her sisters. Honestly? This part is so contrived it's irritating. Brady, you've proven yourself to be a stereotypical sex-starved male. Why look a gift horse in the mouth, even one that chickened out?
There's some nonsense about Brady's rigid lower half. Like his zombie legs of previous chapter, I had to laugh so hard. I mean, dude, are his knees locked and sticking straight out? I know what it's referring to, but honestly. His equipment is NOT that big. I don't believe it. Kelsey gets dressed, and Brady tells her there won't be a next time. Brady is seriously emo in this chapter, or something. I bet he listens to Linkin Park and writes terrible livejournal entries about how much this sucks and how bitches be crazy.
Bitches be crazy, Brady. Them bitches be crazy.
I don't really know what happens next, except that Brady throws a hissy and Kelsey is afraid he's going to leave. He says that she played him for a fool. Um. Yeah? Does that make sense to anyone else? Kelsey said it was just a mistake. I'm actually inclined to side with Kelsey here. Girls ain't allowed to change their minds? Of course not! Misogynist, Emo Brady calls the shots around here, remember?
Brady storms out and Kelsey is about to chase after him when the most inane conversation happens. Kelsey's old friend and ex Rafe calls her out of the blue to ask a favor. Kelsey goes to meet him at the school, where he's a principal. Rafe is a widower with children. Rafe tells her that he wants to ask a single mother named Patricia out. All well and good, yes? But Rafe is nervous because he's out of practice!
Oh noes, guys! He hasn't had a date in years and years, and he's afraid he'll mess things up with Patricia permanently. Apparently, Patricia has Kelsey's method of dating where she dates guys one time and never goes out with them again. Because of this similarity, Rafe asks her why she's so turned off by men.
Kelsey is a bit overwhelmed and tries to explain her experiences and why she's turned off.
Rafe looked stunned. "You want guys to open a door for you?"
"Well, not always. Sometimes. Why?" Kelsey found herself getting defensive. "You got a problem with that?"
How much you wanna bet Kelsey only likes it when she can be a bitch about it?
Rafe rounds out this awkward conversation by asking Kelsey on a secret date. I'm not even joking here. When Kelsey asks why it has to be secret, Rafe explains he doesn't want Patricia to think he's interested in her, and that it'll really only be a dating lesson. He wants a CRITIQUE on his dating behavior.
When the hell did I wander into a fourteen year old's fictionpress story inspired by a rehashed sitcom plot?
On my first read through, for some reason I was under the impression that Kelsey rejected him pretty handily. I don't know why I remember it this way, because Kelsey clearly accepts the offer to do a dating critique and she and Rafe make plans. They decide to go to the Gilded Lily, a five star restaurant, because Rafe REALLY WANTS TO IMPRESS PATIRICIA GUISE.
"I probably should mention one more thing. As of this afternoon--I'm married. So your idea about keeping this little dating lesson of ours a secret? It's a good one."
So, she waited until now to tell him? Akward city!
When Kelsey gets back, Brady is all angry and demands to know where she's been. Double standard! He could stomp out and do whatever, but if she's gone, then god forbid! Kelsey brushes it off and brings in take out she bought, and tells him she thought they both needed cooling off time.
How long is this day, anyway? Still the same day they were married and got a loan. The two start eating dinner, and Kelsey apologizes for chickening out on sex. Brady equates being a virgin with being a beginner, and that just cracked me up. A weird way to put it, I guess. It strikes Kelsey the wrong way, too, and the two get into an argument after Brady tells her he wouldn't have gone along with her seduction plan if he'd known that she was a beginner.
"But had I agreed," Brady added as if she hadn't spoken, continuing to look at her in a very sexy, very determined way, "I would have indoctrinated you slowly. I wouldn't have rushed you into it. I would have--"
"Seduced me?" Kelsey guessed hopefully as the two of them began to eat.
Ugh. Shoot me now, please. Kelsey tells him they can still have seduction fun times, but Brady steadfastly refuses. He says that he's not a fan of sexual torture (he totally is, I bet. After all, he's involved in prostitution in my fantasy version of this novel), because he doesn't want a repeat of that afternoon.
Brady rolled his eyes and gave her an annoyed look. "Honey, hours later and I'm still hard. And I figure I'm going to be that way for awhile."
Brady, Sweetie-pants, there is nothing shameful about priaprism. It can be medically treated and you will be just fine if caught early. Please go see a medical professional immediately. Love, Catherine.
Both Kelsey and Brady are uncomfortable after that revelation. I mean, Brady's discomfort is probably pain and anguish, but you know what I mean. Brady stops the conversation because it's too arousing or something, and again tells her they're not going to have sex. Kelsey feels this is unfair. The fact that both Brady and Kelsey are ridiculously fickle about this is extremely irritating to me. You're two adults who are married, just do it already. No one cares, seriously. Well, I DO care, just not in the way they'd think.
Kelsey whines about wanting to experiment, and Brady is still not giving in. their conversation is interrupted by Kelsey's sister Dani and her movie-star husband Beau. They have the ridiculous excuse that their plumbing went out and they need to stay with Kelsey. Clearly, they're there to spy on them and maybe prevent them from doing the deed. Dani mentions she saw Kelsey alone at the school, and is highly suspicious. I don't know, but I really can't bring myself to honestly believe any of this. This author certainly isn't convincing me these characters should be likable.
"I'm not alone now," Kelsey said, refusing to explain what she had been doing at the school. "And if you want to know the truth, you and Beau are interrupting our first night as man and wife."
"Well, you could always put it off then until you are alone," Dani said blithely, as if that were the best idea in the whole wide world. "Just sleep in separate bedrooms tonight," she advised with a smile. "Brady at one end of the hall. You at the other. Beau and me in my old room, in between. Perfect.Pardon my language, but what the actual fuck?
Beau is pretty laid-back about all of this, and Kelsey says that it's not necessary for the two to be there. Dani argues, saying that she believes Brady won't hurt her, but it's Kelsey's own impulsiveness she's worried about. I agree that Kelsey is stupidly impulsive, but honestly, Dani is just as irritating to me. First she muscles her way with some bullshit excuse, and then really randomly tells Brady and Kelsey to sleep in separate rooms without... actually explaining why this is a good idea. Beau is the least offensive person in all of this because he hasn't said much at all.
Dani accuses of Kelsey of trying to catch up to her sisters, and Kelsey is irritated at the obvious truthful statement. She decides to go to bed, and demands that Brady come with here. These two really like ordering each other around.
And this horrible, stupid, nonsensical chapter is over. Thank God.
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