The Virgin Bride Said, "Wow!" Chapter One

I'm going to preface this book review by explaining a bit about how I started this. I mentioned in my intro that I bought this book solely for the title. I bought it used on Amazon (it was way out of print), and when I got it and actually saw what it was about, I was pretty stoked. This was going to be AWESOME.

I like to draw stick figures in the margins, and write my own commentary on the book, and send it to my friend Ellabel. However, for this blog I'm going to expand my commentary and maybe leave out some of the more... sketchy jokes (There's a whole subplot I created in this book involving the heroine's brother-in-law and a horse named Heinrich... yeah).

Here's the book in question.

It's hard to see, but the field of flowers they're lying on looks like REALLY bad CG with astigmatism.

Read more after the jump!


Here's a couple examples of how I do my in-book commentary:


Nice crappy webcam pictures, Catherine. Click to view a larger size.

On to the Review.

The Virgin Bride said, "Wow!"

Chapter One

The book opens with our hero and heroine, Brady Anderson and Kelsey Lockhart respectively, discussing the fact that they can't get a loan to save their lives because their ranch sucks. Fifteen banks have turned them down. Hah.

In the first paragraph we get a description of Kelsey, and it's kind of stupid.

. . .as Kelsey Lockhart strode across the sunny pasture toward him, her cheeks pink with temper, her tousled hair glowing as cinnamon-red as the leaves in the maple trees around them.

Is cinnamon really necessary? Sheesh.

Brady muses that he was never much for redheads because they were too temperamental. Because, like all blondes are stupid, all redheads are feisty and have short tempers. Of course, Kelsey gives truth to the stereotype.

Her expressive red brows slammed down over her long-lashed eyes.

I don't even know, guys. That sounds painful.

Then there's some boring exposition about how Brady and Kelsey started working together (apparently the stock market?), and more boring stuff about banks rejecting them due to their lack of collateral.

They decide to go to some dude to loan them money. I don't know, I don't care about all this banking bullcrap so I mostly skimmed this junk.

They go to some guy named Wade to hopefully front them the money, and Wade says he can't help them. Why? Because they're not married. Seriously.

"Unfortunately, the two of you aren't married," Wade said, with a disapproving frown.

Apparently, a man and a woman cannot pool resources and own a ranch together. Unless they're married. Whut. I'm serious. Apparently Kelsey and Brady have had to deal with this bullshit before. No one thought the two would last the four months (which apparently is enough to prove a stable partnership?) together. This book is already giving me a headache.

Wade actually tells the two he doesn't APPROVE of what they're doing. APPROVE. For heaven's sake, the two are co-owning a ranch, not living in sin together! And even if they were, how would it be any of Wade's business? I was so shocked at Wade's "disapproval" that I checked the copyright date of this book, to see if it was written in the 80's when misogynistic assholes reigned supreme in the romance novel world.

Copyright 2001. What.

Wade's problem is supposedly that Brady is living at the ranch. NOT in the house, but in the tack room. SERIOUSLY HOW IS IT ANY OF WADE'S BUSINESS? What the hell, I don't get it.

When Kelsey gets angry at Wade's insinuation, he actually says, "The lady doth protest too much."

Um, I'd be a raging bitch too if someone was claiming my business partner and I were sleeping together and that we couldn't get a loan because of that. Jeez louise.

Brady takes the opportunity to contemplate how sexy Kelsey is and how he was lusting after her. Nice. He also doesn't want to be another notch in Kelsey's belt, so to speak (didn't he read the book title? Sheesh). He thinks she's a raging slut because she dumped all her dates sooner or later (Um, yeah... that happens every single time you date someone you don't end up married to, and sometimes even then, stupid).

There's some vague mention of Brady's secret debt that would change how everyone felt about him. My guess? He was a prostitute or an indentured servant or both. Please God, let this be true.

Brady and Kelsey insist several times that nothing is going on between them. This is important later. Wade himself insists that because of Kelsey's bad history of men and jobs, she doesn't trust them to remain partners, and that the only way he'd front them money is if the two were married.

In 2001. Yes.

Now, I'm the type of person who would love to be a housewife for the rest of my life because I would have been great having been in my twenties in the fifties, but what the ever living crap? This is the hugest contrivance ever in the history of ever (That is a lie, but still). Either Wade is just trying to cop out of loaning them money or... he's a freaking moron.

Probably both.

Kelsey decides that they'll get married that afternoon, and Brady doesn't take her seriously. She insists, and Brady can only imagine them having sex.

Brady is a twelve year old boy.

"Marriage is serious business, Kelse," he reminded her sternly.

A mixture of curiosity and devilry sparkled in her dark green eyes. "You say that as if you know," Kelsey taunted.

Kelsey, please go die in a fire.

However, Brady admits that he was nearly married once (though in his thoughts, not to Kelsey).

Kelsey stupidly thinks that getting married RIGHT THIS SECOND would be proof enough to show everyone they have enough stability to be granted a loan. I'm headdesking so hard at this point that I am going to get a concussion.

"Besides-" she shrugged "-it will get everyone who thinks I shouldn't be partnering with you, because it will prevent my ever falling in love and/or getting married to anyone else, off my back."

First of all, WTF, second of all, WTF this is a viable reason to get married to this woman, third of all, the author actually used and/or in dialogue. Is this the real life?!

Syntax, do you has it?

Kelsey mentions some people I don't care about (obviously characters from previous novels) getting married. They talk more about getting married, and it's really quite pointless. JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY. Also, she wants to be married only long enough to get a loan. BECAUSE THAT WILL GO OVER WELL WITH THEIR INVESTOR. Kelsey, in my humble opinion, is a raging idiot.

They get married off-screen, Wade is freaked out and disbelieving, and HE ACTUALLY BARGAINS WITH THEM AND GIVES THEM THE LOAN ANYWAY. I don't really understand anyone ever. I mean, Kelsey's considered flightly. She gets married two seconds after being denied a loan to a guy she's known for five months, and Wade is okay with this enough to loan them a shit ton of money?

What the sam hill?

Wade's not as stupid as I thought, though, as he stipulates that if the marriage is a fraud, he'll get the deed to the ranch. He warns them several times to back out, but they don't. I am already irritated by Kelsey being a moron that I can't even be on her side in this. Sheesh. Brady comments to himself that Wade is trying to protect Kelsey from herself. Yikes, shades of Twilight, not letting a woman make her own choices?

Ugh.

She out and out lies to Wade, saying she's going to stay married to him. Wade draws up the papers and this stupid novel continues (dear god this is a long chapter).

They go back to the ranch, and find all of Kelsey's sisters and their husbands waiting for them. Also characters from previous novels, I should add.

"I just hope they don't have the family minister there," Kelsey said. If she had to say her vows in front of clergy she'd really feel married.

Now, I'm a Lutheran Lady, and when I get married (should the blessed day happen), I'll be saying my vows in front of my pastor. But this just irritated the crap out of me so badly. I can't put my finger on why. But... seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Brady is also freaked out by the notion. I mean... come on, guys, you're lying and faking to your investor. What's a little more lying and fakery to Kelsey's sisters and God? Perhaps the best part is that Kelsey doesn't want to feel linked to Brady in any way.

Sister, you're not only his business partner and live on the same piece of land as the dude, but you're MARRIED to him. Seriously, get over yourself.

They go inside, and this chapter is over.