And as I've noticed in Goodreads reviews, the writing and plotting do get a lot better as the Throne of Glass series goes on, so I'm sure it'll be a fun read, if nothing else.
Chapter 11
Nacho has to jab Cel awake.
World's Greatest Assassin, everybody.
We then get treated to a scene where Hardened Assassin Celaena Sardothien acts like a three year old who doesn't want to get out of bed. She tries to hide under the covers but Nacho pulls them off and onto the floor.
Hardened Assassin Celaena Sardothien who spent a year in the worst hellish nightmare bitches that it's cold and curls up into a little ball and whines to herself that she needs sleep. She does have a point that she needs time to get back to strength, but it's undercut by her actions and whining.
Nacho is having none of it and he pulls the pillows out from her and doesn't glance at her lady legs.
World's Greatest Assassin Celaena Sardothien who spent a year in the worst hellish nightmare and was trained from the age of 8 to KILL PEOPLE tells Nacho to get her slippers and continues whining that the floor is cold.
Nacho doesn't. He tells her to eat. Why couldn't he have just sent some servant or other guard to wake her up? I'm sure "bickering with the bitchy convicted criminal" isn't on the job description of the Captain of the Guard.
The servants are wise and didn't give her knives, but they're not that wise because they gave her a fork. She eats breakfast. Nacho asks why she's so tired.
The Best Assassin Ever Celaena Sardothien who spent a year in the worst hellish nightmare, was trained from the age of 8 to KILL PEOPLE and has only a short time to trounce 23 hardened criminals TO GAIN HER FREEDOM was up until 4 the night before reading because she's the bookwormiest bookworm.
Nacho apparently cares not about this, and is shocked that she would write to the prince to get permission to the library. Cel calls him nasty, and Nacho is just like "bruh you're an asssassin bruh".
She bitches to herself about bland porridge because why would someone incorporate someone's history into their current attitudes?
You know, I think this attitude bugs me so much because this isn't how a trained assassin acts. This is how a spoiled rich girl who thinks she's special acts. And it's not her putting on a front in front of Nacho Cheesier. This is actually how she feels. A trained assassin who was a pretty young woman would definitely learn etiquette and how to dress and all that, as it would help in getting close to rich, aristocratic targets. But a trained assassin who had the past that Cel does wouldn't immediately turn into a spoiled noblewoman overnight. It just doesn't track, and it only makes me think that instead of this hardened assassin who can deal with whatever obstacles are in her way, she can be thrown off by breaking a fingernail.
A female character can be fabulous, feminine, and badass at the same time. Case in point?
But when they're spoiled and whiny? No thanks.
ANYWAY.
Cel is critical of Nacho's black clothes, but he doesn't even acknowledge it. I'm loving Nacho more and more. Even if he doesn't really do a job that I can see.
Nacho doesn't know what the activities she's going to be doing at the competition. He tells the servant to dress her in serviceable clothing. Cel is a weirdo and strips as she goes to the dressing room, making Nacho blush.
You guys.
Cel is pissy because her clothes are ugly.
You're fighting for your life against 23 men who think they can squish you like a bug and you're bitching because you're clothes are ugly.
Actual Footage of Nacho at this point
Nacho is all out of fucks to give. He literally tells her to stop whining. Nacho, when did you get into my brain? Well, you are nicknamed after my favorite food in the universe. He also makes some comment about how she can take off her clothes at the barracks, probably in retaliation for her stripping in front of him.
Anywho, they go to the barracks and everyone salutes Captain Nachos. They end up in a huge room with checkered tile and huge glass doors.
Also apparently the barracks have gossamer curtains because the royal guard has a great need of frills.
I mean, it's kind of a ridiculous mental image but one I'm absolutely loving. I can just imagine the guards being all YEAH WINDOW TREATMENTS YEAH.
I am a weird person.
The champions are sparring around the room, and the guards are keeping an eagle eye on everyone. The one handsome guy from the King's introduction smiles at her and goes back to archery.
"You expect me to use a mace an hour after sunrise?"
What the hell Celaena you're the worst assassin ever.
Nacho tells her not to do anything foolish, and she replies "I'm just a jewel thief, remember?" It's impossible to tell whether that's explaining her reluctance to use a mace (Though why wouldn't she just be like "I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A JEWEL THIEF WHEN WOULD I HAVE EVER HAD PURPOSE TO USE A MACE") or to Nacho's warning. This book is so unclear all of the time, I have no idea what these conversations mean.
Swords, sword-breakers, axes, bows, pikes, hunting daggers, maces, spears, throwing knives, wooden staves . . . While she generally preferred the stealth of a dagger, she was familiar with every weapon here.
I call bullshit. The only way I'll accept that is if "familiar" means she knows how they work or have seen them in action, because those all involve different skill sets. It's theoretically possible, but even people trained to use all those weapons from a very young age probably wouldn't be able to use them all with skill. It just doesn't work that way. If it means she is skilled with all of them, I'm going to punch her in the face. It's sad that I immediately assume it means she's the bestest at all of them, but that's how these types of novels go.
Cain comes into the room. He comes up to her and greets her while leering. He insults her because why not? She just throws the comment back in his face because why not? Cain leaves.
Cel does what we all love best and thinks about how she could have whirled, grabbed him by the neck, and slammed his face into the ground.
Cel. Cain is gigantic. Unless he was in the midst of fighting with you, that move would NOT have worked if he was grounded and planted his feet. When small people take out big people, they're using their own momentum against them. And him standing there insulting you isn't using any momentum you absolute moron.
And because Cel was the Greatest Assassin in the Land, she can't abide by anyone insulting her. Her anger issues make her tremble with rage. I can understand that Cel has anger issues after whatever she went through in her life. It makes total sense. BUT, someone who can barely contain themselves when a guy is like "Oh, I thought you'd be running away by now. Bye!" does not make the best assassin ever. Like, Cain's insult was total weaksauce. Kaltain calling her a harlot was worse.
Nacho tells her to chill out and to not waste her time hating him because he actually has a brain. Side note, each of the competitors is with their sponsor and a trainer. I can assume Dorian isn't there because he has important princely things to do, but is Nacho her trainer? Why the hell is he chilling out with her in this room when he has an entire barracks of guards to command? Captain Westfall, are you a figurehead puppet?
Cel is angry that Nacho didn't intervene on her behalf.
"You can fight your own battles." He pointed with his sword to the weapons rack. "Pick one." His eyes shone with the challenge as she untied her cloak and tossed it behind her. "Let's see if you can actually back up your swaggering.
She'd shut Cain up-in an unmarked grave for all eternity. But for now . . . Now she'd make Chaol eat his words.
Nacho are you me?
Cel takes a million years to pick a sword and chooses a rapier. It'd be funny if Nacho had a claymore.
Apparently Cel is the best swordfighter ever because dueling is what assassins do to their victims before they kill them. Cel makes fun of Nacho for saying "On your guard" because of reasons. She taunts him about teaching her the basics instead of actually fighting. More stupid banter.
She makes fun of Nacho and he takes the bait and attacks her. Of course this was all an act on Cel's part, because she's the greatest person in the freaking world, and they fight.
It's boring.
Swordplay was like dancing-certain steps must be followed or else it would fall apart.
Though actual fighting is more like "smash as much as possible before I get tired." Dueling is a LOT different than regular swordfighting. The movies like fancy footwork than reality. Even duels weren't as drawn-out as the movies like to make it out to be. Usually someone won just because the other person got tired and made a mistake. It's not "certain" steps so much as "be less tired than the other guy so he'll forget to make those certain steps."
Nacho compliments her, and Cel compliments him only in her head because god forbid she give someone a compliment. Dude, even Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black complimented each other during their duel (of course they were tricking each other but it's the Princess Bride and that movie is Better Than Everything in my opinion).
I'm skipping describing the sword fight because I don't care. Cel is fast. She's better than Nacho, because of course she is. I mean, she trained for every day, just like him, because assassins duel regularly, didn't spend a year in a salt mine, and is stronger because of it.
Oh wait.
Anyway, Nacho beats her by tripping her. Cel is mad because he cheated and implies it was the only way he could have won.
YOU BACKSTAB PEOPLE FOR MONEY YOU ABSOLUTE TWIT.
None of the other competitors noticed, except Cain who's staring at her. Nacho gives her some constructive criticism and Cel remembers she's an assassin and tells him that her undisciplined moves never stopped her from killing before.
Nacho just laughs at her and tells her to pick another, more interesting weapon. She is angry, and picks hunting knives with a wicked smile.
The best part about this chapter is Nacho is throwing so much shade at Cel and he straight up isn't in the mood for her whining.
Actual footage of Nachos Supreme
Chapter 12
Before Cel can actually rain down death and destruction onto Nacho, she is interrupted by a man calling for attention. Nacho takes her knives away and they all go around the man, whose name is Theodus. He's the judge of the competition.
He gives his credentials and says it'd be hard to impress him. Let me guess, Cel is going to end up impressing him. He decides they're going to have some icebreakers like in a journal writing class at the library on Tuesdays, and points at Cain. He asks name, occupation, and hometown.
Cain is a soldier in the army. If the King has "suitable" people to be champions in his army, why can't he just USE HIS ARMY PEOPLE wtf. This make come as a shock to the book, but the army isn't just grunts. Armies, even medieval analogous armies, have scouts, cavalry, officers, specialized soldiers, etc. Cain is also from the White Fang Mountains, and the people there are notorious for being brutal.
Many of them had rebelled against Adarlan-and most wound up dead. What would his fellow mountain-dwellers say if they could see him now? She gritted her teeth; what would the people of Terrasen say if they could see her now?
:33-:45 was my first thought.
Most of them are dead. No one cares.
We go around introducing the competitors. One is a master thief, 6 more soldiers who were thrown out of the army for bad behavior, 3 more thieves. One is the handsome guy Cel keeps eyeing, and his name is Nox.
Wrong Nox, Catherine
There are also 3 mercenaries, and 2 shackled murderers. One of the murderers is called Eye Eater for exactly the reason you think, and that's just the person I'd want to set loose and be the King's Champion. At least with Cel she killed people for money, not for cannibalistic kicks. Such things are often a compulsion. People like that don't make good assassins for hire.
The other killer is named Ned and he also got a serial killer nickname, Scythe. Because he used a scythe to kill priestesses.
Again, exactly the person I'd want to set loose be the King's Champion. Look. There's a HUGE difference between murderers for kicks and murderers for hire. There is some crossover, as there will be when one chooses the later profession. But serial killers aren't known for impulse control when it comes to their crimes. The King shouldn't have even allowed these men to leave prison, because if he was at all smart he'd realize that a promise of freedom and money IS NOT ENOUGH to control two men who killed for their own pleasure. Sure, it might give a very intimidating vibe and strike fear into his enemies, but that only goes so far until Eye Eater eats Dorian or whoever because he is set free and walk around like a normal person.
In theory, an assassin is able to control their impulses and is able to do the job efficiently. Otherwise they're not a good assassin. I'm looking at you Cel.
Anyway, Cel muses on the fact that neither man was murdered, but both seemed to have been slaves in a labor camp.
While these four might be skilled, they lacked the refinement that Arobynn favored in his followers. She'd have to keep an eye on them, but at least they weren't the Silent Assassins from the windswept dunes of the Red Desert. Those would be worthy of her-they'd make her sweat a bit.
You know what the Silent Assassins remind me of?
I was SO CREEPED OUT when I got this letter in Skyrim.
Look. It's all right to have your extremely skilled and talented character NOT be the best at something. I freaking promise you. The Silent Assassins have an intriguing name and that alone makes me wonder about them. Why are they Silent? They obviously are extremely efficient at their job. Why couldn't they be better than Celaena at something? It would not only make Cel more relateable, it would also give her a sense of vulnerability. When there are no stakes, there is no conflict, and your story is just boring.
Give me high stakes. Give me a hero who can be beaten. Then when they triumph, it really feels like they won. Like they accomplished something. It's fine for a character to be arrogant and over-confident in their abilities. Which Cel obviously is, but I'm sure we'll be shown that she REALLY is the best (even if Nacho beat her last chapter).
The final assassin is named Grave. He too was wearing shackles and has five guards. Grave is gross and leers at her.
An assassin like that never stopped at just killing. Not if his victim was female.
Oh and you didn't have these thoughts at the freaking EYE EATING MAN. I get the allusion to rape, but you can't just say "oh this guy is terrible and won't stop at just killing" when a few paragraphs ago you mention a man who EATS EYES FOR KICKS AND DON'T EVEN HAVE A SECOND THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
I just want some consistency. Rape is horrific. So is Eye Eater and Scythe. Linger on them too, please.
Finally Cel introduces her alter ego and some of the men laugh at her profession. She thinks that they wouldn't be laughing if they knew who she truly was. True, but USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTANGE. Don't sit there crying over men who don't take you seriously.
Cel bitches about it some more, even going to Nacho to complain.
"Do you know how insulting it is to pretend to be some nobody thief from a small city in Fenharrow?"
He stared her down, quiet for a moment. "Are you that arrogant?"
Nacho, come to me with nachos and we will run away together.
Nacho then lectures her on pretty much everything I've said about her being a whiny brat about not getting proper recognition. If Cel really had been the most notorious assassin in Adarlan, she would have known all of this when she was a CHILD by the fact that she would have been underestimated many times by her fellow guild members at the very least.
Nacho also tells her she needs to keep a low profile instead of showing off (that's going to be so hard for her, poor chickie) and that the expression on their faces when she wins the duel will be worth it.
Cel decides NOW she can look after herself (but god forbid a man say something very slightly insulting to her and Nacho doesn't intervene when there is literally no time for him to do so) but that Nacho is brilliant.
This isn't brilliance this is basic flipping psychology. AND SOMETHING SHE SHOULD HAVE ALREADY EXPERIENCED.
Guys, I'm getting the feeling that Celaena Sardothien isn't very intelligent.
We switch scenes to where the competitors are running laps and somehow, despite being in a mine for a year where she worked her arms, not her legs, she keeps in the middle instead of being as useless as a snorlax.
Also apparently armed guards are running laps with them and I'm laughing so hard you guys. I'm just picturing these competitors running laps in embarrassing gym clothes and these armed, armored guards having to keep pace with them and working twice as hard because of the extra weight.
Because the world needs more silly running gifs
Also apparently the shackled dudes have long manacles and now I'm thinking of something ELSE entirely.
Cain is leading the pack, and Cel is surprised. They're running outside because they're crunching leaves. Cel realizes she doesn't need to win a race to prove she's better than everyone or the king's validation. Uh, duh.
She's having a hard time, so at least I'm glad they put that in there. She repeats she has to stay in the middle, though I guess she's trying to not fall behind. Cain predictably wins and Cel is about to pass out. Theodus Brullo tells them all to get something to drink and that they're going to be training even more.
Cel goes off into the trees to vomit. And that's all for this chapter.
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