At least My Immortal was entertaining in it's terribleness.
Chapter Nine
Cel is staring in the mirror, smiling at herself. Again. Because we all know that the love of her life is her own reflection. We get an almost purple description of her dress. Why was it so bad when Red Dress Woman was talking about fashion? Because she wanted to hook Dorian? And what's wrong with that, really?
She has her shiv hidden in her bodice
Also, wasn't this the start of the competition? Why is she dressed to the nines?
Cel even thinks this to herself, about how she'd have to change for the competition. Philippa comes in and Cel decides to random preen because everyone has to see how hot she is. Philippa, of course, decides to stroke her ego and tell her she could get married to anyone, even the Prince, if she was charming enough.
Cel tells Philippa about Red dress Woman thinking she's the Prince's Harlot. Philippa utters some nonsense about court and helps her preen because... I don't know. It's a dumb conversation.
[Celaena] "You can't intend for me to stand all day? Even through my meals?"
[Philippa] "Only until someone tells me how lovely you look."Why are these people talking.
Nacho comes in, out of breath. He orders Cel to go upstairs. Cel trips on her dress as he drags her out into the hallway. Apparently the guards give her "approving glances," and this makes Cel happy (but of course Red Dress Woman can't enjoy people being impressed by her looks because she's an EvilSlut™).
They argue about being late and whose fault that is. They're going to go see Evil King Papa. The clock tower goes off yet again. Yes, I'd like to hear an explosion EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY.
They ended up in the glass addition of the castle (I WILL NEVER GET OVER NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THIS BUILDING SOMEONE SHOOT ME). Cel is not pleased. Nacho tells her how to act with the king because he could have her hanged if she displeases him.
Cel is apparently afraid of heights, or at least glass, because she's having some serious issues. She's pale, has a headache, and feels generally ill. She reminisces to herself about her trial. The king was there.
Nacho tries to talk her down, explains that the meeting is just to go over the Competition and there won't be any tests that day. How convenient for Miss I'm Wearing a Ball Gown over here.
Nacho tells her she's pretty and this ridiculously short chapter is over.
Chapter Ten
Cel describes the floor in the Throne Room or wherever she is. It's red. Apparently it's also very crowded. There are no windows, but the wall is just one giant pane of glass. So... magic? Because that would probably be impossible in a pre-Industrial society. Unless it's paned and just not mentioned.
There's a sort-of greenish flame in the fireplace. I bet the King is hoarding magic and that's why all this bullshit is going on around her.
Nacho stops before the throne, and the text makes some comment about how he didn't seem to notice the "ominous surroundings", either that or it didn't bother him.
Cel. He is the Captain of the Royal Guard (though why he's the one who had to escort Cel when he should be, um, Captaining, is beyond me). I'M PRETTY SURE THIS ISN'T THE FIRST OR EVEN THE FIFTIETH TIME HE'S SEEN THIS ROOM.
They bow and then go stand by Dorian. He's all clean now so he's even hotter. He thinks likewise of Cel.
Cel then describes the King and his clothes (I am so sick of the clothes okay and I love reading about clothes). He's also wearing a sword.
It's called Nothung.
*snicker*
I am a twelve year old boy.
Google, however, tells me that this is the name of a sword is from Norse mythology and also is mentioned in Wagner's Ring Cycle.
The King gives a speech to the competitors. Cel thinks of the differences between the nobles and her fellow competitors. There are 23 other men fighting for the same position as she is. Some of them lack a "spark of cleverness" in their eyes, but considering how some of them are huge, I'm sure they could beat the crap out of her if they got the jump on her. And considering how she slept in til freakin' NOON with an EXPLODING CLOCK TOWER, I don't think that's going to be very hard. Also three of them are in chains. Because. Um. That's intelligent. Not the chains. But having people who require them to compete in a competition around a bunch of NOBLES and EVIL KING PAPA.
Is everyone just really stoned on Red Dress Woman's weed when they make decisions or?
A lot of the competitors dismiss her as being another court lady, and she's pissed that Nacho didn't tell her about this introduction. Why? I mean, they will underestimate her, or won't even think about her. They probably would anyway by the fact that she's a woman, but it literally means nothing. They'll recognize her, maybe, when the competition starts, but then again they'll just think she's weaker than she is (though after a year in a mine she's probably not as strong as she used to be, so this can only work to her advantage).
A black-haired competitor stares at her, and she studies him back.
There's also this huge man next to Duke Perrington. He has a nasty demeanor. I bet he's evil. Because he's with Evil Duke Perrington and he has a nasty demeanor.
The King continues talking.
A flicker of shame sparked within her. What was "Champion" but a dressed-up name for murderer? Could she actually stomach working for him? She swallowed. She had to. She had no other choice.I don't think right now is the time to split hairs with semantics, GREATEST ASSASSIN EVER. I'm pretty sure her issue in this paragraph is that she hates the King for what he's done to people (slavery and all that), but the way it's worded makes it sound like she's disgusted at murder.
Regardless of her motivations... she brags ALL THE TIME about how she can kill people better than you. Why this moral quandary? Besides, the whole point was to get in close to get her revenge. And she does have other choices. Just shitty ones.
The king is still talking, but considering we get paragraphs of exposition and description between one or two sentences, that's not saying much. He's explaining how over the next thirteen weeks the competitors will be given tests, which will not be easy. He also reserves the right to kick people out of the competition.
There's also mention of a day called Yulemas. Three guesses as to what holiday that is and none of them count because that's a stupid ass word.
After Yulemas, the last 4 competitors will face each other in a duel. Is it a four way duel? Because awesome.
"Until then, while my court is aware that some sort of contest is being held among my closest friends and advisors"-he waved a huge, scarred hand to encompass the room-"you will keep your business private. Any wrongdoing on your part, and I'll stake you to the front gates."
Wait a freakin' minute, how full is this room? How many people know about "some sort of contest?" Okay rereading, I see that they're in a "large, crowded" room, and that there are at least twenty-three nobleman with their competitors that they're sponsoring. I was under the impression that there was a ton of court people there, but it's very unclear. EDITING. It saves lives.
By accident, her gaze slipped onto the king's face, and she found his dark eyes staring into hers. The king smirked. Her heart threw itself backward and clung to the bars of her ribcage.
Murderer.
I feel ya, Sansa.
The king demands verbal confirmation and thanks for the opportunity. Cel and the others give it. The entire time Evil King Papa is staring at her. He mentions that he's leaving the castle "for his own purposes" (you could just say "I'm leaving" and no one would question it, EKP). He's not coming back until Christmahannakwanzaaka.
Dorian speaks up and says he's leaving. Evil King Papa lets him go without a word. EKP dismisses the competitors with one last warning.
Cel and Nacho leave, and Cel feels a lot better being away from Evil King Papa. Nacho is impressed that she didn't cause a scene. Dorian is waiting for them, Nacho asks what he's doing, and he says he's waiting for them.
Ugh.
There's more pointless banter.
"From the way you two are blatantly ignoring me, I'd say she could pass for your sister! Though you don't really look like each other. . ."Dorian confirmed for indulging in Red Dress Woman's Mary Jane.
Actual footage of Dorian smoking the reefer cigarette
Dorian says he and Nacho have a PLAN. For her identity, that is. They don't want anyone to know who she really is (though I'm pretty sure SOMEONE in the meeting recognized her and would tell their competitor... that's not something you can keep under wraps unless literally no one saw her at her "trial").
Her new name is Lillian Gordaina. She has a new history too. Mostly that she's a rich merchant's daughter but is a jewel thief for kicks.
Because jewel thief is roughly on par with murderous thuggish assassin.
Cel isn't impressed. Lots more banter. Like there's so much banter and it's not really about anything. Banter is cute, if done well, but when that's entirely how people communicate with each other, it's like diet soda. Nothing there except fizz and some overly sweet flavor.
Duke Perrington's huge guy is Cain. Cel critiques his size, and she has the smarts to know he could knock her out with one punch, but he probably wouldn't be fast enough to catch her. Cel says, but doesn't actually believe, that everyone looks pathetic.
Red Dress Woman appears in the midst of their conversation. Cel begrudgingly admits she likes her now white and gold gown.
Uh oh, guys.
NOOOOOOO (it was always white and gold for me)
"I've just come from Her Majesty's side," said Kaltain, putting her back to Celaena. The assassin might have bothered to care about the slight if she had any interest in courtiers. "Her Majesty wishes to see Your Highness."
That epithet was thrown in there it feels like getting hit in the face with a brick. It's always tricky writing about two people of the same gender in a scene, but it's easily enough to smooth out in editing. Plus we are 100% aware that Cel is an assassin. Trust me.
Dorian interrupts Kaltain because let's fight rudeness with rudeness, yes? He introduces the two women. Cel calls it all courtly nonsense and how she'd be better off in Endovier if she had to deal with much more of it.
Please, woman, that's tame.
Cel is ogling at Kaltain's tiny waist while the woman is talking about how long she's staying at court (years) and how that's a long stretch of time.
"The Lady Lillian and Captain Westfall are very close companions," Dorian said dramatically. To Celaena's delight, Chaol blushed. "It will feel short for them, I assure you."
What does their being close companions have to do with the perception of the time Kaltain is staying in Rifthold?
Dorian just how blitzed are you, that makes no sense in context.
Kaltain asks Cel where she got her dress, and Dorian says he had it made. It's clear he doesn't like Kaltain, and thus Cel and Dorian bond over being dicks to some courtier who... is making perfectly normal conversation. I mean, I know we're supposed to hate Kaltain because she wants to go after the prince (I forgot to mention this, but she's also courting Duke Perrington and he's the one who brought her to court), but since I hate Dorian and Cel I really can't get behind their attitude.
"The Lady Lillian's paleness was a source of pride for her father. It makes her rather unusual." Dorian looked to Chaol, who failed in his attempt to not appear incredulous. "Don't you agree Captain Westfall?"
"About what?" he snapped.
Methinks Nacho Cheese Doritos is as annoyed with this conversation as I am. I knew I liked him, even if he's wasting Captaining Time by even listening.
Cel coos about how she pales into comparison (see what she did there) to Kaltain's beauty.
Dorian announces he should move on, bows to Kaltain and Nacho. But with Cel, he kisses the back of her hand and she feels some jolt of fire at the touch of his lips. She wants to pull away or hit him, and Dorian bids her goodbye.
Upon reflection of this whole scene, it really does make more sense if you figure that Dorian is completely high off his gourd, that's how nonsensical his additions to the conversation are.
Nacho offers to escort Kaltain if she desires it, and its an "insincere offer". I should hope it's because he needs to go back to the duties of running an entire contingent of guards, but no, it's because Kaltain is an EvilSlut™.
Kaltain says she has to go meet Duke Perrington, says she and Cel should be friends, and leaves.
Nacho is irritated because he has to pretend to be a couple with Cel (I feel ya, I wouldn't want to spend anymore time around her than I had to either). More banter about Dorian, and about how he is more inclined to associate with higher class ladies. It's not exactly clear if that means higher than Kaltain or Cel, but Dorian calls her vain when she looks at him.
Cel rants about hating women like Kaltain, who did nothing but, um, talk about superficial things.
"They're so desperate for the attention of men that they'd willingly betray and harm members of their own sex."
Literally the ONLY thing Kaltain said was that pale green sometimes doesn't look good on women with pale complexions, and spoke more flatly after the prince left. SHE LITERALLY SAID NOTHING ELSE EVEN REMOTELY OFFENSIVE. She turned her back on Cel when they first met, and that is really rude, but hell, CEL THREW A FLOWER POT AT THIS WOMAN BECAUSE SHE CALLED CEL A HARLOT. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.
Nacho says Kaltain's father is very rich, and that she was carried two hundred miles in a litter carried by servants I guess. Because we need to show how completely out of touch she is? I don't know. I have a hard time taking this bit seriously.
Cel asks Nacho to eat lunch, and he says he have to do some important work. Finally, the man goes to do his job. Nacho tells her to get some rest, and she goes to eat her food.
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