Heir of Fire Ch. 1-3

HEY YOU GUYS.

Apparently I hate myself.

Also STOP HUNCHING WHEN SHOOTING A BOW JEEZ.

It's time for Dumbass Assassin III, y'all!

A quick Refresher:

Cel/Celery Brain/Cellulite - Celaena Sardothien, the world's worst greatest assassin, recently sent off to Fairy Land 

Alien Garfunkel - Aelin Galathynius, Celaena's true identity as the Queen of the Fairies Patios Terrasen

Nacho - Chaol, the world's worst Captain of the Royal Guard. Formerly my favorite character, currently a raging douche, and Cel's ex-booty call. 

Prince Fizzbitch - Dorian, Prince of Adarlan, Formerly a raging douche, currently my favorite character, and Cel's ex-non-sexual booty call. Has magic.

Evil King Papa - The King of Adarlan. Big Bad (sort of), has no name.

Clueless Queen Mama - The Queen of Adarlan. Barely exists.

Rolaids - Fizzbitch's cousin. Barely exists.

Duke Perrington - never got a cool nickname. Evil and fat.

Coltrane - Kaltain Rompier, The Best Female Character In the Series, presumed dead.

Nehemiah - Nehemia, fridged Princess of Eyllwe, ordered a hit on herself so that Celery Brain would get off her ass and do something for once... so therefore she dead.

Archer - Not Sterling, unfortunately. Gigolo. Inspiration for some epic gifs in the last book. Dead due to confusing character development/motivation.

I'm sure there's more important characters but I don't give a flying flip.

Chapter One

Gods, it was boiling in this useless excuse for a kingdom.

One sentence in. One sentence in and I'm already side eyeing this stupid book.

Apparently Celery Stick has been doing nothing all morning except sitting on a roof. She likens her "baking" to how the poor people bake flatbread (... on windowsills...) because the poor people can't afford brick ovens.

BTW it's 100% possible to bake bread in a pot on an open fire.

I've baked bread in a cast iron dutch oven over coals.

You know, I was going to let it go, but I can't. Ethically, as a fourth generation baker, I CANNOT. These people would have figured out how to bake bread without a traditional oven LOOOOOOOONG ago. Furthermore, these people would have figured out how to make masonry ovens for cheaper than standard brick. You could even conceivably make an oven out of regular rocks. Celaena is literally laying on a terra-cotta roof and these bitches can't afford brick ovens? Plz.

A plain ol' windowsill isn't hot enough to bake bread, especially since these probably couldn't afford glass either. If they have any sort of cooking with fire going on, there will be a better way to bake bread than leaving shit on a windowsill.

FURTHERMORE, it doesn't even matter if the poor people couldn't afford ovens. Traditionally, many families would share one big oven in many civilizations. These people are idiots if they haven't figured that out yet.

Okay. Okay. Calm down, Catherine. It's just a book. You knew the world-bulding would suck getting into this.

Getting past the world building fail, true to form, Cellulite bitches about the poor peope's bread, that's crunchy and oniony. Apparently she was so poor (because, I guess, EKP didn't send any money with her and she was too dumb to realize HEY MAYBE SHE SHOULD SAVE SOME OF THAT BANK ROLL SHE WAS MAKING NOT KILLING PEOPLE IN THE LAST BOOK) that she was stealing the flatbread and wine from vendors. 

. . . not long after she'd taken one look at the heavily fortified limestone castle, at the elite guards, at the cobalt banners flapping so proudly in the dry, hot wind and decided not to kill her assigned targets.

I mean, at least we find out on the second page instead of a good third of the way through like last time. God. Just. Good lord. You're writing a book series about an assassin. Yet I have never, ever, EVER freaking seen someone so reluctant to make their character do their job. The only character that Celaena Sadorthien, the world's greatest assassin, has killed so far (not counting the prequels because I am not going to read them) that she was paid to was Archer, and that was only because he betrayed her and then called her a good woman. Literally that was the only reason. 

It's obvious that Cel is all morose and emo about all the shit that happened in the last book. She spends her days doing nothing and getting drunk and getting into bar fights. 

Though she is keeping an eye on the street guards around the castle. 

She'd memorized their rotations, and how they opened the three massive gates that led into the castle. It seemed that the Ashryvers and their ancestors took safety very, very seriously.

 No?  That's actually really common? Because unlike Evil King Papa they actually understand that they can't let just anyone into the castle, let alone an assassin with a grudge. Like, this is shit I was saying in the first book.

It had been ten days since she'd arrived in Varese itself, after hauling ass from the coast.

That is such a modern slang phrase that I literally winced when I read it in a medieval-esque fantasy world.

She also decided, on her sea voyage, that she was going to destroy the Wyrdkeys even if she has to die doing it.

Actual footage of Cell Phone destroying the Wyrdkeys

Cel plans on finding Queen Maeve of the Fae. Because apparently she was around when the Wyrdkeys were forged. Considering that there are people who were around when this shit was going on, why is so much still secret and unknown? I mean, look at Lord of the Rings. Everyone knows history because the people who lived it are around and still bitching about it.

Whatever. I don't care.

Blah blah blah, lots of talk about the voyage and Cel's missions and trying to keep her friends safe. 

She traveled with refugees from Adarlan, apparently. I don't know why this is important except to further show how awful things are.

I still don't understand why Wendlyn is the land of myths and monsters, considering all she's done is get drunk and not kill anyone, and Adarlan had some pretty bad monsters. 

Apparently Wendlyn has hardcore dry lands and thick forests that led into mountains and I am 100% unsure of how that geography is supposed to work. Isn't it forests on one side and up into the mountains, and desert on the other? FANTASY GEOGRAPHY CAN DO WHAT IT WANTS.

So even though Wendlyn was described as having nightmares made flesh, it's a land of opportunity where people are so nice and leave their doors unlocked. Because the entire country is a monolith apparently.

Cel is so empty inside, you guys. 

She comments to herself that the Wendlyn guards are more observant than the Rifthold guards.

How in holy hell has Adarlan not been invaded and overthrown yet?

  Even baking in the sun each day, even washing up whenever she could in one of the city's many fountain-squares, she could still feel Archer Finn's blood soaking her skin, into her hair.

I don't give a crap about your guilt, Cel.

Apparently she has a "monstrous power that could easily destroy her"... I don't know if it's talking about her Fae lineage or what, because this book won't explain it to me, except that she's "hollow and dark inside."

Apparently not if you're still bitching about having to kill a man whom you thought was going to be worse than Evil King Papa.

She also wonders if Nacho figured out the "riddle" (wasn't it just a date?) she gave him. She then thinks to herself about how the guards didn't take bribes and were decent dudes, like the Prince was supposed to be good.

She then does the grown up thing of sticking her tongue out at random things. She'd already figured out how to infiltrate the castle. She's STILL thinking about random shit sitting on the rooftop. She thinks about Nehemiah and gets really upset about it. It's not written poorly, I'm just so bored because I don't care about Nehemiah's death or Cel's grief. Having recently lost a friend of mine unexpectedly, it just makes me really, really grouchy to spend too much time thinking about this.

Cel's plan to kill Prince Galan of Wendlyn "crumbled" because the people liked him and cheered for him when he rode out into the streets. Oh also they have the same color eyes. He's a blockade runner against Adarlan.

There was no point to her plans. Nehemia and Galan would have led the world to freedom, and Nehemia should have been breathing. 

Oh get the fuck over it, Cel. You had a million and a half chances to kill the King of Adarlan and you didn't. This is all your fault. You could have solved the mystery of the wyrdkeys if you'd just freaking asked Mort, but you didn't because of NO DAMN REASON. IT WAS NEVER EVEN EXPLAINED. Nehemiah wouldn't have had to kill herself to get your goddamn attention if you'd just been HALFWAY COMMITTED TO DEPOSING EVIL KING PAPA INSTEAD OF EATING CHOCOLATE CAKE AND FUCKING NACHO.

THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS ALL.

YOUR.

FAULT.

Calm down, Catherine, we're only in chapter one

She finally leaves the roof, thinking about Nacho (and his role in Nehemiah's death... bitch stop it. It wasn't remotely his fault). Some lady calls her a slattern.  She hears a man laughing at her.

Chapter Two

The man laughing is Fae. He has pointed ears and silver hair, and slightly elongated canines.

So he's a vampire from an anime. Legit.

And he has a tattoo on his face. She's kind of scared of him because he's dangerous, and because he's one of Queen Maeve's warriors and he was sent after her. She greets him non-chalantly. 

They head off down the street, and we learn that Fae have an animal form along with their human form. And they're not all the same form, either. She calls him brooding, but I never got that sense from the way the narration described him. He laughed at her, and then was pretty much expressionless for the rest of the time. Whatevs, maybe it's just because he's quiet. 

This dude is named Rowan. They get on horses and ride off. Rowboat isn't interested in talking to her.

Nothing in this chapter was worth snarking!

Chapter Three

Nacho has been having a recurring dream of Cel killing Archer. In his dream, Archer turns into Prince Fizzbitch. And then she's having sex with Nacho. Okayyyyy.

Okay, instead of actually dreaming, Nacho was THINKING about the dream while sitting next to Prince Fizzbitch. That's nice. Nacho tells Fizzbitch that he's going back to his hometown to take his title that he refused when he became the captain of the guard. 

They have some awkward conversations, not willing to talk about most of the stuff that happened in the last book. Damn, Nacho is emo as hell so far. He thinks about the darkness inside Cel because she killed Grave for killing Nehemiah.

I know, how shocking that an assassin would KILL someone, am I right? Well, considering Cel didn't do shit in the first book...

Cel for most of the series so far.

Nacho still blames himself for Nehemiah dying. Correct me if I"m wrong, but I'm pretty sure the only thing he did was not tell Cel there was an anonymous threat on her life.... This is still the most contrived thing ever to put a wedge between them.

Alien Galathynius (aka Cel)'s cousin, Aedion Ashryver, walks into the room. For some weird-ass reason he's Evil King Papa's northern general. Aedion is super hot, and he has the same color eyes and hair as Cel. He had been summoned to arrive a month earlier. EKP and Adidas have some back and forth, with Adidas being really insolent. 

Evil King Papa tells Adidas he's expected at the counci meeting. Adidas has one of those secret club rings that EKP and Duke Perrington share. 

Ooooh, apparently Adidas excels in debauchery in ways that makes Fizzbitch look tame (...Fizzbitch was always tame). I find it funny, also, that Nacho apparently knew Adidas for awhile (not that they spent a WHOLE lot of time together), but never made the connection that he and Cel looked ridiculously alike until now. I think that realization would have come up when he first saw Cel cleaned up.

But then again, Adidas was obviously thought up after the first book was written, so whatever.

Apparently Adidas, Fizzbitch, and Alien/Cel all met as kids. Nacho also thinks that Adidas has Cel's exact face and arrogance. 

Now Fizzbitch makes the connection between Adidas and Cel. Good on you, Prince Fizzbitch.

Nacho hates Adidas for various reasons. The three have some conversation about Terrasen. Adidas has the Sword of Orynth, which is a family heirloom to the royal family of Terrasen. It technically should be Cel's, but it's useful for Adidas to have authority to Terrasen folk. 

Adidas wants to meet the king's champion, but for obvious reason's can't. They get into a tiny tiff before Adidas brings up that one of the witch clan's leaders was killed (aka Baba Blacksheep). He wants to find out who did it.

Fizzbitch gets a bit worked up and his magic acts up, so he and Nacho leave. They talk a bit, and this chapter is over.

Okay, besides the tragic first chapter, it's not horribly terrible so far. Too little too late though.