Throne of Glass Ch. 34

I just made my cat super disappointed because I put my book on my lap right before she was about to jump up and use me as warm-blooded furniture.

Sorry, Eisley. I feel your pain. This book disappoints me too.


Chapter 34

After Nehemiah leaves, Cel stars at the window where it's snowing. She's got her lady cramps. Philippa gives her tea to help with them

Cel also has no idea that hot things are hot, and nearly drops the cup of tea.

While Cel was a slave, her weight loss and stressed stopped her period for awhile, and I'm glad this was actually mentioned. A lot of people don't know that can happen if a woman's body weight gets too low, and coupled with the severe stress, it's not surprising. Anyway, with her getting back to health and proper nutrition, she's started having her period again. Although apparently having her period for years during puberty didn't allow her to learn how to train past the cramps (as her abusive mentor no doubt forced her to), because she whines about how she's going to have to train with them.

(Side note from experience: a lot of times exercise helps with menstrual cramps).

How was she going to train like this? The duel was four weeks away.

This might come as a shock to you, Cel, but periods don't typically last four whole weeks. You have some time, butternut. A couple days out to cramps isn't going to do much in the grand scheme of things.

Then she whines to herself about how Elena wants her to destroy the evil in the castle, when there's so much evil left in the world. Maybe because you have the resources to get rid of this one evil that could start killing your friends at any moment? Baby steps.

Oh man I need to watch this movie again.

Nacho comes in (she notes the door opens, but there are no squeaky hinges. Man that's some unreliable shit) and mentions the rebels being murdered. He's there to say it's good that she's being nice to Nehemiah and that he's okay with the idea that she might be a rebel.

Cel feels nauseated and thinks she's going to throw up, because that hasn't happened in awhile. Can't get used to a non-vomiting heroine, can we?

Nacho keeps blabbing, ignoring her trying to say his name (I hate this trope, by the way. If I need to say something important I WILL BE HEARD). She finally throws up. 

Okay, why was she trying to get his attention? I have experience with illness. You just straight up leave  instead of VOMITING ON THE FLOOR. She had plenty of time to find a chamber pot. Why is this author obsessed with Cel vomiting everywhere. I don't want to read about that. 

"Are you-By the Wyrd, you're really sick, aren't you?"

Cel finally is like 'I'M BLEEDING OUT OF MY LADY PARTS" and Nacho immediately flushes bright red. He leaves. 

This scene is so freaking pointless. 

DORIAN has to come in now because this book apparently knows how much I hate him, and he's all like "lol you're on your period". Cel once again proves she's the biggest drama queen in the universe and says she's in "absolute agony".

Wow, nice to know your years of being beaten and whipped in a slave in a salt mine where they'd rub salt into your wounds was a pleasant picnic. I know endometriosis is a thing and it's the WORST, but c'mon. She would have known how to get past this sort of pain if she was any sort of assassin. Maybe she should be nicer to Kaltain, then the two could hit up the bong together for pain management.

Nevermind, I don't' want to see a stoned Cel. She'd be even dumber.

Anyway, Dorian tries to get her to play cards with him and she's not wanting any part of it. In fact, she tells him to leave more than once and he doesn't listen to her. I hate Cel, but Dorian is a straight up douche. In fact, he's straight up chipper, and it's the most godawfully annoying thing ever.

She throws a book at him because he won't leave her alone, and then he makes her call him by his first name instead of "your highness". They talk about books because apparently she forgot he's annoying.

"You may borrow it when I'm done. If you read it, your literary experience will be complete. And," she added with a coy smile, "it will give you some creative ideas of things to do with your lady friends."

He hissed through his teeth. "I will not read this."

This is what most of their banter is like. It's the worst.

She taunts him by saying Nacho wouldn't read the book either, which makes him want to prove he's better than Nacho so he decides to read it.

I don't even know. This whole thing could be cut without anyone knowing or caring. Hell, half this book could be cut and I hate it and I want to go cry in a cup of tea with how bad this all is.

She felt Dorian watching her-and not in that cautious way that Chaol sometimes watched her. Rather, Dorian just seemed to be watching her because he enjoyed watching her.

She does not find this creepy, because she likes him.

 We then switch POV to Dorian because this book is intent on torturing me, but it's still the same scene.

Dorian says she's beautiful, and this pisses off Cel for some reason. She thrives on being the best looking around so why? Also Dorian apparently has to date all attractive women he knows (what about married women? Does he court them too?!).

And he couldn't deny that he was aching to learn what Celaena's lips felt like, what her bare skin smelled like, how she'd react to the touch of his fingers along her body.

Okay now I wanna vomit

Apparently Christmahannakwanzakaa is a time for everyone to get down and dirty with each other and so this is Dorian's favorite holiday because he's a manho. But this year he feels guilty because of all the rebels dying. Though what's so special about these rebels? Dorian never had a propensity to avoid the sex because people are murdered and enslaved. This shit has been happening since before he was born, probably. 

And how could he someday rule a country whose soldiers had been trained to have so little compassion for human life?

 By getting rid of those who gave the order (which was most likely his father)? I mean, THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE. SOLDIERS ARE ROUTINELY TRAINED TO BE ABLE TO KILL PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ARMIES DO. BUT YOU CAN ALSO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T SENSELESSLY KILL PEOPLE BY PUTTING HONORABLE PEOPLE IN CHARGE. YOU'LL BE THE LEADER OF AN EMPIRE. YOU HAVE OPTIONS YOU DUMB MAN.

Terrasen, Cel's homecountry, was apparently his father's first conquest and he wonders why Cel even talks to him. Because you're pretty and she's the epitome of a 21st century teenager and her past has no bearing on her present choices because characterization, what characterization?

This book sucks. I hate everyone in it. Even Nacho. He has failed me.

The glass was cold beneath his hand, and he watched the snowflakes come crashing down to earth.

Has the author EVER seen snow? Because that is not a mental image one should have when it snows.

Dorian is all a pity party and tells Cel that she must hate him for being rich and shiz while her country was conquered. It might be a bit more effective if he wasn't a huge douche. He tells her that he doesn't want to be a part of the evil, but that his father won't listen to him if he wanted to tell him to stop. Apparently Dorian had to sponsor a champion because if he didn't, his father would see that as "dissent."

Or you could just say you're too busy screwing the courtiers. That might work. He's really mopey about all of this and it's just way too late for me to feel bad for his shitty lot in life. Because it's really not that shitty, comparatively

Cel says she doesn't hate him, and then they get into a conversation about how Dorian wants to take her to the Christmahannakwanzakaa ball. It's a masked ball. You can see where this is going.

Dorian finally leaves because he has a lot of meetings the next day. Dorian kisses her on the cheek

A masked ball on Yulemas! Even if it was the most corrupt and ostentatious court in Erilea, it sounded dreadfully romantic.

 This would make sense if Cel were actually a hardened assassin. Now it just seems like a spoiled noble who doesn't care about anything except appearances.

I can't win with this sucky book.

She wonders if Nacho was trying to ask her to the ball before she puked everywhere, but then decides no. She also realizes she should have sent him word that Cain was acting strange earlier that day. No shit? REALLY?

She wishes Cain death, and that it'd be a good gift. Ugh. THIS WOULD BE A NICE THING TO HEAR IF WE HAD CONSISTENT "HARDENED, ICY ASSASSIN" CHARACTERIZATION BUT SHE WAS WHINING TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO ABOUT NOT GETTING TO GO TO THE ROMANTIC BALL IN THE WORLD'S MOST CORRUPT COURT.

THAT'S IT.

I'M OUT.