Chapter 35
Nacho creeps on Cel and Dorian as they're walking in the courtyard.
Celaena's white cloak made her easy to spot, and Dorian could always be noticed by the empty circle of space around him.
I literally have no idea what this means. Does Dorian have a force shield around him, repelling all objects?
Anyway, Nacho is watching them and thinking about how his logic and experience demands he be with the two, because Cel is "cunning and vicious". Well, considering she can't handle the thought of a dog dying without throwing a fit and everyone in the world has snuck up on her, I don't really believe him.
It's crap like this that makes me want to throw this book out the window. I criticize it for the character not acting as everyone says she does, and then I criticize everyone else for not taking proper safety measures for how they feel Cel behaves and acts. It's frustrating and hard and I hate it.
Anyway, Nacho can't make himself go and make sure Cel didn't get slipped a bag of gold to slit the Prince's throat, because he has a crush on her.
[Talking about his barriers going down] Because of her genuine laugh, because he caught her one afternoon sleeping with her face in the middle of a book, because he knew that she would win.I like how he sneaks up on her when she fell asleep READING and then is like "lol she's totes gonna win." Wow, it's not often this book contradicts itself in the same sentence. Props to you, book.
Nacho mopes some more about how she was "just a girl" who was a "prodigy at killing" and how when she was sent to Endovier at 17, at 17 he was training with the guards and had a good life. Also he apparently was courting someone named Rosamund. And he thinks about how he never could have survived Endovier.
You know, this entire section is pointless. We could have cut it, and shown Nacho's barriers falling down in actions with Cel. It doesn't add anything at all to his backstory that we need, because he has no real emotions about this Rosamund, or about his decision to train. It's pointless. It only serves to have Nacho say "She could kill my prince who I swore to protect, but I trust her, and that scares me."
That could easily be conveyed in actions and the author was actually starting to do that a bit. After all, Nacho was easily my favorite in the first third of this book before he got all doofy because dammit THIS BOOK NEEDS A ROMANCE.
Sigh.
We switch POV to Cel. She's all crushing on Dorian and wants to "link arms" with him so she can keep warmer as they're walking outside. It's been 3 weeks since Elena last visited her, and we get 3 Tests summed up in one sentence.
One was a freakin' obstacle course because it's Field Day at the elementary school or something.
I'd accept American Ninja Warrior
Pelor got eliminated, by the way. Also 3 more competitors were found in hallways, dead, because Nacho can't be bothered to be like "full contingent of guards all the time" but you know, they're criminals or whatever so no one gives a shit.
There are six competitors left, Cain, Grave, Nox, a nameless soldier (you can't even give him a name and there's only six of them?), and some dude named Renault who's Cain's new lackey. But why think about this when she can gaze adoringly at Prince Fizzbitch.
Dorian notes Cel's necklace (the one given to her by Elena), and asks if it was a gift. They banter over whether or not she stole it. Cel wears it because it gives her some sense of comfort. Dorian then tells her that Queen Elena had a magical amulet.
"In the battle with the Dark Lord, Gavin and Elena found themselves defenseless against him."
I refuse to accept that this is referring to any other Dark Lord
So anyway, the necklace helped the King and Queen defeat Voldemort, and Dorian thinks the necklace might be the same one, but then is like "oh, maybe it's a replica" because he's seen illustrations.
They then switch conversation topics to his little brother Hollin, who isn't coming home for Christmahannakwanzakaa because of snow. They talk a bit more, and Cel thinks about how the king would kill her if he noticed the necklace but is like, eh, whatever.
We skip ahead to where Cel is reading and keeps looking at the tapestry hiding the secret passageway. She mopes some more about what Elena wants her to do (KILL. THE. EVIL. PEOPLE. how the hell is that hard to figure out?).
And as for finding and defeating the evil in the castle . . . well, now that it seemed tied to who was murdering the Champions, how could she not try to figure out where it was come from?
Goodness gracious me, it took how many murders for her to think it "seems" connected?
Actual Footage of Cellulose
So a door SHUTS somewhere in her suite (but the CREAKY HINGES didn't give it away? I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO OKAY) and she is startled so badly the book flies out of her hands. She grabs a candlestick and is ready to do some damage, but it's only Philippa. So Cel tries to find her book under the bed and sees a white line on the floor. She moves the bed to see what it is, and it ends up being Wyrdmarks because of course.
She freaks out and washes the chalk off with water.
Later on, she asks the guards to take her to the library at midnight (WHY ARE THEY LETTING HER DO THIS NACHO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER) but they didn't follow her as she's wandering the stacks (YOU ARE THE WORST GUARDS WHAT IF SOMEONE HAD STASHED A WEAPON IN ONE OF THE BOOKS THAT WAS HOLLOWED OUT OR WAS A FAKE BOOK). Cel is very freaked out as she looks at books and she comes upon Nehemiah (AND THE GUARDS ARE LETTING HER BE ALONE WITH HER WHAT THE HELL). Cel is started by coming upon her because she's the best assassin ever.
Nehemiah is reading an old book and Cel asks what it is, and Nehemiah doesn't answer. APPARENTLY Nehemiah was faking her language skills? BUT CEL DOESN'T PICK UP ON THAT OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS
Celaena watched her go. It didn't make sense. Nehemia couldn't read books that advanced, not when she still stumbled through lines of text. And Nehemiah never spoke with that kind of flawless accent, and-
You gigantic idiot, it's so easy to fake not knowing a language. This chick just spoke to you in a perfect Adarlan pronunciation and you're like "naw, doesn't make sense." OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS FAKING IT. HOW HARD IS IT FOR YOUR "FRIGHTENINGLY CLEVER" BRAIN TO FIGURE OUT. GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
I have wanted to use this gif for weeks.
Cel sees a crumpled paper but doesn't tell the reader what's on it. She's all frustrated because she doesn't believe Nehemiah would have "played her like that" and how she wouldn't have lied. And all this crap nehemiah did that led her to believe they were friends. She's all offended that Nehemiah would have plotted against her.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I DON'T THINK I NEED TO SHOW YOU HOW STUPID CEL IS BEING HERE. LIKE WHAT THE HELL THIS IS POLITICS HONEY BUNS.
I would have been 100% behind Cel's feelings of betrayal if she were a regular person. Nobles backstab each other all the time. Assassins should expect being backstabbed (hahaha bad pun there) especially since Cel thinks someone betrayed her when she was caught. I'm actually surprised she didn't think of this possibility BEFORE.
Chapter 36
Several days pass, and Cel is still bothered by the fact that Nehemiah lied to her. She doesn't say anything to Nacho or Prince Fizzbitch, and hasn't seen Nehemiah for that whole time. We also get another Test mentioned in passing and we don't even get to find out what sort of test it was. There's five competitors left.
Guess what day it is?!
Apparently I've been spelling it wrong. I care not.
Apparently "Yulemas" in this world commemorates the Goddess's firstborn son's birthday. It's also a super boring holiday.
It was simply a day when people were more courteous, looked twice at a beggar in the street, remembered that love was a living thing.
Jeez, the Halloween-expy holiday was more interesting. The original Pagan roots of Yule in Germanic countries was a LOT more interesting. Not, "oh, we'll just think about poverty-stricken people but not actually be expected to DO anything".
Cel finds a bag of candy with no note.
With a shrug and glowing eyes, Celaena pulled out a handful of sweets. Oh how she adored candy!
Celaena issued a jolly laugh and crammed some of the candy into her mouth. one by one, she chewed through the assortment, and she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply as she tasted all of the flavors and textures.
Congratulations, Cellular Phone. You are now DEAD.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR SOMEONE SNEAK INTO YOUR ROOM IN SPITE OF RIGGING THE HINGES, AND YOU DECIDE 'OOOOH PRESENT FOR ME' AND SHOVE A HANDFUL OF CANDY FROM AN UNKNOWN PERSON INTO YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE YOU'RE A GREEDY FUCKWIT, WHEN SOMEONE IS KILLING THE CHAMPIONS.
This is all that needs to be said.
She then goes through all the candy and thinks about it, and is all "someone is very good to me" (OR SOMEONE IS POISONING YOU BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HAVE SHIT FOR BRAINS).
She then wonders who might have sent it. Think thinks FAIRIES could have done it (except not after she murdered for the first time) or Nox, before she ever thinks someone nefarious did it.
Philippa comes in and is all like OMG and not because Cel is eating candy from a stranger (ahaha), but because she made a mess of sugar on her bed. Philippa then rebukes her for eating candy more messily than her grandson. She also tells her to put the candy away because she'll make herself sick.
"Sick? Who can get sick from candy?" Celaena made a face and exposed her crimson teeth.
Just sayin'
They banter about sex (ugh) and we find out Prince Fizzbitch is the one who sent candies (because of course she's not actually going to die. If the candy WAS poisoned, then of course Cel would know and not have eaten them because her assassin skills only pop up when the plot needs them to, and sometimes not even then). Apparently he sent her THREE POUNDS AND SHE ATE HALF OF IT.
Holy mother of god, how was she not puking? Considering everything else in the world makes her vomit.
Dorian is more upset because he wants some (and apparently a pound and a half isn't enough to share? Does this book not understand increments of measure?) and they banter more and it's stupid.
Prince Fizzbitch also brought her another present, and it's a puppy. It's the same foul-tempered dog Cel whined about.
"Of course I want her," Celaena said, then realized what the implications would be. "But I want her trained. I don't want her urinating on everything and chewing on furniture and shoes and books. And I want her to sit when I tell her to and lay down and roll over and whatever it is that dogs do. And i want her to run-run with the other dogs when they're practicing. I want her to put those long legs to use."
Cel, kindly go DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE.
"Oh, I want a puppy, but I want absolutely no responsibilities for it. And it has to be perfectly trained even though THIS IS THE SAME DOG THAT DOESN'T DO WELL WITH PEOPLE THAT I DEMANDED TO BE GIVEN A GOOD HOME."
Bitch isn't done with demands either. She wants her in the kennels while she's training, and when she's done "she may be brought to me."
I hate this woman more every time she opens her mouth. Like, she isn't saying "Could this dog please stay in the kennels with people who know how to handle working dogs?" No, it's actually a demand. Because fuck everything. If Cel had simply ASKED for help training the dog and for the pup to stay in the kennels, none of this would be a big deal. Not everyone knows how to train an animal. But now, this is "I want her I want her I want her TRAINED but god forbid I deal with ANY OF THE UNPLEASANTNESS."
Dogs, especially working dogs, aren't stuffed animals that breath you asshole. They're living creatures who need training, affection, and hard work. If you can't handle the training, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. But don't act like it's owed to you.
Also this isn't why you should get someone a live animal as a gift unless you 100% know for sure they are able to handle it (or it's been discussed beforehand).
The dog starts exploring the room and Cel thanks Prince Fizzbitch for it. She kisses him on the cheek and agonizes about if it was a good or bad kiss (oh god get over yourself), and then she apologizes for not having a gift for him.
Hey, she could always be like "I haven't killed you yet. You're welcome." But that's too clever for this book (and I ripped that joke off of MST3K).
Dorian gets all flustered and babbles. Then he leaves. And then Cel thinks that Nehemiah will be at the Christmahannakwanzikaa ball and she also thinks she might be behind the Champion's murders and that she might unleash the monsters at the ball.
That would be way too cool a scene for it to happen in this book, dammit.
Stephen King knew what was up
She once again thinks how it'd be okay if Kaltain and Cain died horrible deaths (As far as she knows, Cain is just an asshole, and Kaltain has done nothing wrong but be a bit rude like, once) and I don't have the energy to even be mad about it anymore because this book thrives on Protagonist Centered Morality. She's worried about Nacho and Prince Fizzbitch.
She isn't convinced Nehemiah will do anything, but she's a bit paranoid. It actually makes sense in this context since Cel probably knows all sorts of shady people who would do terrible things, whether for revenge or not (aka, Nehemiah's primary motivation). So she pretty much decides to go to the masked ball.
Later on she's walking with Nacho and asks him why he's not smiling and he makes fun of her red teeth (from the candy). She's also like "why won't he joke with me like Prince Fizzbitch?"
Because not everyone has the personality to joke with you? Because maybe he remembers a bit more often than the rest of the populace that you're supposed to be "dangerous"?
He asks why she's not complaining more about not going to the ball, and she's all "you don't trust me enough." and it's all snappy. Why are you offended by this. You are a terribly drawn character.
She briefly thinks about how she doesn't loathe Nacho as much (not that she ever loathed him... she has more reason to hate him than Kaltain but guess who she wants to die a terrible horrible painful death? oh right, Kaltain isn't a hot man). She thinks Nacho is going to recognize her at the ball, but doesn't dwell on it.
I wonder how awful this ball is going to be.
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