I hate myself that much.
Chapter 45
It's the day before the duel, and Nox and Cel had been sparring. She watches Cain as he goes about his business, because why should she tell anyone her suspicions? Hell, she doesn't even have to tell the truth about what she saw, she could make up any lie and it'd probably be enough to have someone start checking out Cain.
But no.
Cain wasn't surprised that she didn't die, by the way. Nox asks if something's wrong, because she was off-balance. Cel ignores him in favor of wondering why Cain is using magic. Then Nox is all like "lol Cel and Dorian sittin' in a tree". Cel is crabby.
So Nox decides to point out that she knows something because she told him to stay in his rooms when competitors were killed. She points out that what happened to the competitors wasn't an accident and that he needs to be careful.
He asks for more information, and she doesn't give any to him because she'd sound "insane". SHE DOESN'T EVEN WARN HIM ABOUT CAIN.
"Oh, your life is in grave danger, but I'm not even going to fucking tell you who to look out for."
Nox asks for more information, and she STILL DOESN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING. Grade A friend there, Celery Brain. She even says, "I'd totes be gone if didn't have a choice" (she does have a choice, she has an easy peasy escape route). Nox is like 'WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN JUST TELL ME'. Team Nox, everyone. He also finally figures out that she's not Lillian, jewel thief.
Nox babbles endlessly and finally figures out that she's Adarlan's Assassin, and he's all shocked she's a girl. She tries to tell him about the ridderack (btw, Brullo is yelling at them throughout ALL of this) and Nox is just not getting it.
Actual Photo of Nox
Cel tells him to leave, and he keeps asking questions because SHE WON'T FREAKING GIVE HIM ANY INFORMATION.
Anyway, Nox is like "lol I just thought you were a spoiled brat but you're really the 'Queen of the Underworld'." (Lol plz, Cel is hardly fitting for that title).
He smiled ruefully. Thank you for warning me. You could have opted to say nothing."
I 100% believe he said this sarcastically.
Nox leaves in middle of the night. He doesn't, of course, tell anyone about what Cel told him, but I choose to 100% believe he said "fuck it, y'all can die for all I care" and goes on and thieves and is rich and is the only one in the novel smart enough to leave it.
We then switch to Kaltain. She's high from opium, because her headache was so bad she couldn't really function and Duke Perrington invited her to sit at his table. She thinks maybe her opium was bad, because her tripping out is weirder than usual? I don't know. She thinks she sees things flying around Cain as he walks by her.
That was short. We then go back to Cel. She's playing chess with Prince Fizzbitch. She thinks about when they kissed, and how she's not going to tell him about the ridderack (she won't even tell Nacho, why would she tell Fizzbitch?). Though she's more afraid that he'd tell his father and then she'd get in trouble for magic, I guess.
She also looks at him and thinks about how he has no resemblance to his father and this is not the first time it's been pointed out. I'm wondering if this is either a very heavy handed foreshadowing that Prince Fizzbitch isn't the king's son, or very heavy handed symbolism of the fact that he's completely against his father's rule and actions.
She'd expected him to stay away, to move on to another woman now that he'd tasted her.
Fizzbitch more than likely wants YOU to taste HIM,
IF you know what I mean
(fnar-fnar)
Prince Fizzbitch takes her hand and he plays with it over the board. It sounds awkward.
he held her hand over the board and smoothly flattened their palms against each other, interlocking his fingers with hers. His hand was calloused but sturdy. Their entwined hands rested on the side of the table.
I guess their hands teleported? I don't know? Why is this described this way? Why do I care so much?
Cel then remarks that one needs both hands to play chess and I'm wondering if the author has EVER played chess before in her LIFE.
Not only is this gif super cute, but it proves you only need one hand!
BONUS!! My brother thoughtfully provided this information:
It's pretty much against the rules, CELAENANANAN. I mean, if you were in a modern real world competition.
Prince Fizzbitch then demonstrates on how to move a piece with one hand. She then asks if he's going to kiss her. It sounds like a fine idea to him, and he leans in until he almost touches her. Cel ruins the moment by bringing up his father. Prince Fizzbitch leans back because that's kind of a buzzkill.
Apparently she said that to keep him here all night so she wouldn't have to be alone with Cain stalking the halls.
Then why doesn't she just sleep with him? She clearly wants to since she says it all the time and that'll guarantee to keep him busy for a few hours. And if she doesn't want to do that she can just make out with him for awhile (which she has explicitly said she wants to do). So while Prince Fizzbitch is sitting there, she thinks about what other things Cain might be able to due (summon the dead, the... WALKING DEAD).
Walkers could only improve this book. Especially if they ate Cellophane
Apparently she's trembling, because Prince Fizzbitch points it out. He then moves to sit beside her. She tries to brush him off, and he keeps talking.
"Are you sure that you're feeling--" he began, but she surged forward and kissed him.
She almost knocked him to the floor. But he shot out an arm to the back of the chair and braced himself as his spare arm wrapped around her middle.
I guess Prince Fizzbitch is used to women attacking him with their tongues?
I guess Cel took my advice to just make out with him for several hours because we then cut to 3 AM and Prince Fizzbitch has left. So Cel's just staring at the fire in the hearth and being scared. She is sitting there, upset that her shiv and a candlestick aren't enough to fight off the ridderack.
So why doesn't she just go get the sword she used last time? I mean, Elena's the one telling her to do this shit so I think she'd understand if Cel removed it from the tomb. CEL YOU ARE SO DUMB YOU HAVE ACCESS TO A SWORD AND YOU DON'T EVEN USE IT. What a dolt.
Cel realizes this too little too late and is too afraid to go and get it. I think it's at least worth a shot since she's a sitting duck anyway.
OR SHE COULD FUCKING TELL NACHO BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT USE ARE DOZENS OF GUARDS WITH SHARP POINTING THINGS GOING TO DO FOR HER. They're already pretty incompetent.
Cel dreams again. She's running from something. It's pointless.
She wakes up in the early morning light. And then goes back to sleep. Okay.
Then we find out at the very end that the last Test is cancelled (because Nox ran away), and so she's gonna duel Cain, Renault, and Grave.
Chapter 46
Prince Fizzbitch is out hunting and it's cold and snowy. He thinks about Cel because he's a horndog. Okay, so it might have been sweet if we didn't know he was a horndog before hand, but now it's just boring.
She haunted his thoughts, made him wish to do grand and wonderful things in her name, made him want to be a man who deserved to wear a crown.
She's an assassin.
She stabs people with pointy objects in exchange for money. She doesn't seem very apologetic about this.
What the hell, Fizzbitch.
Anyway, he sees a deer, almost shoots it, and changes his mind. He's in love with Celaena though why is anyone's guess.
Fizzbitch now has his very own Ravenstag.
Whoops.
Cel is at her balcony doors and she's looking at the city. She thinks the city might be pretty but it's not because corruption and filth dwells within the homes.
Wow, way harsh on the poor citizens who aren't evil.
Cel told her guards that she didn't want to see anyone, not even Nacho (because she has that authority?! GODDAMMIT NACHO). She thinks about the duel the next day. She only thinks about Cain, and I'm wondering why she doesn't think about the fact that Cain may take up all her attention and then the other two attack her from behind. Three very talented people against one very talented person is still horribly stacked odds.
She has some moral dilemmas, and it's all crap we've heard and snarked before. She also thinks maybe she wants to stay in the castle because Prince Fizzbitch is hot (well, not in so many words but it's obvious).
Shortest chapter ever.
Chapter 47
(wooooooooo 47!!!)
We open this chapter with Kaltain. Her parts are so short and it makes me sad because I like her better than Cel. Sad as that may be. Note how I didn't give her any dumb nicknames?
She's thinking about how she's going to poison Cel, and it's obvious she's planning on more than what she'd mentioned to the Duke before. Which is cool. Yay for underhandedness! Duke Perrington moves closer to her to chat. Apparently they're outside in the middle of winter because reasons?
While she's chatting with the Duke, she poisons Cel's goblet, just enough to weaken her. The competitors come out to wherever they are (the courtyard, I think), and they wait for the duel.
POV switch back to Cel. She's on a veranda at the clock tower. She complains to Nacho about how cold it is. He tells her the king just decided then to have it outside. Cel sees Kaltain in the crowd and has zero fucks to give about the fact that she knows her identity. Like, it literally doesn't even enter her mind. She then looks to Cain who is completely and ineffably ripped with muscles.
Maybe we've got it all wrong, maybe Cain is just drinking Powerthirst
She sees two noblemen who had hired her back when she was still an assassin. They both hired her to kill the same dude. Apparently she accepted payment for both of them even though they hired her separately. I like it. It's duplicitous and something an assassin would do. Why don't we get to see any of that stuff HERE IN THE PRESENT?
Like, even if she was mackin' on both Fizzbitch and Nacho it'd be more interesting than anything that's happened.
Anyway she taunts them with a wink, and they're very flustered. I guess they're afraid someone will find out they hired a hit, based on what cel thinks. Why now all of a sudden?
BTW Evil King Papa is staring at her.
Also Nehemiah shows up completely randomly. These international relations are the WORST.
[Long pointless clothes descriptions]. . . she carried her wooden staff, which stretched as high as her head. To honor her, Celaena realized, her eyes stinging. One fellow warrior acknowledging another.
You know, that was not my first thought when I read that she had a staff. I was thinking more along the lines of self-protection. I mean, why would they even let the princess have a weapon if her country FULL OF REBELS (and the rumors that Nehemiah is a rebel WOULD HAVE reached the King's ears) is on such bad terms with Adarlan? And it's not a walking stick, it's clearly a weapon.
This book is about as deft with politics as tumblr.
Also EKP still scares the shit out of Cel for reasons unknown. I mean, her reaction is waaaaay beyond "he destroyed my homeland and therefore I hate him on principal". Like, this is personal. Did he stab the shit out of her mom in front of her or something?
Probably, knowing this book.
Nacho has to nudge her forward. She can't even look at Evil King Papa. NOW Cel wonders if Kaltain being at the duel means she knows who cel is.
What do you think you wondrous idiot?
The king gives a speech. It's boring.
You and me both, King Aragorn
OKAY SO I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A BADASS FOUR WAY DUEL BUT NO, THE BOOK HAS TO DESTROY THE ONLY THING I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO.
DAMMIT BOOK. WHY. WHY WHY WHY.
So what happens is that Cain is gonna fight Renault, and then Cel will fight Grave. So I guess it's a mini bracket? Whoever wins those duels will duel each other.
It makes sense, sort of, but a four way duel would be way more interesting. BUT THIS BOOK DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING INTERESTING TO HAPPEN AND TO DELAY THE INEVITABLE.
Cain and Renault duel. I'm wondering if the pairing was arbitrary or if EKP was like "lol, it's going to be Cain and Celery Stick anyway, let's just drag it out forever".
Nacho and Cel talk about the duel and it's boring. Renault loses. Because of course.
Also I'm wondering how Kaltain knew which goblet was going to be Cel's. It's not like they had nametags or anything else distinguishing. They're just goblets sitting on a table.
Whatever, I'm putting more thought into it than this book is.
It's Grave's and Cel's turn to duel.
Actual footage of a much better duel.
Nehemiah randomly comes up and gives Cel her staff. That isn't SUSPICIOUS AS FUCK to Nacho or the King or whomever (seriously, why don't they have pre-checked weapons to duel with to make sure none of them were tampered with? An assassin would TOTALLY have a souped up weapon).
"Let it be with an Eyllwe weapon that you take them down." Her voice hitched. "Let wood from the forests of Eyllwe defeat steel from Adarlan."
I would be 100% insulted if I were about to be in a SWORD FIGHT and someone was like 'LOL HAVE A WOODEN STAFF TO BE FUCKING SYMOBLIC."
Do you WANT her to die?
That'd actually be an interesting twist. But as this book has shown, it doesn't give a shit about interesting.
I bet you 100% Cel is going to hold it like in the movies and not how Staves were typically held historically (like a sword). Therefore the greater reach of the staff is moot. Ugh.
Can I watch this movie now?
Cel stand there in a moral quandary about taking the staff (mostly stuff about standing against the king symbolically). She decides to take it. Nacho apparently gave up giving a shit and lets her have it.
[Dorian's] sapphire eyes [Catherine: he is sitting far away from her, why is she noting the color of his eyes?] reflected the brilliance of the sky, though they darkened slightly as he flicked them toward Nehemia. Dorian was many things, but he wasn't stupid; had he realized the symbolism in Nehemiah's offer?
Or, you know, he could be concerned that YOU ARE AN IDIOT. But Prince Fizzbitch isn't that smart.
She thanks Nacho for "making my freedom mean something" whatever that means?
Evil King Papa wants the duel to start, so Nacho goes into the ring and bows and thinks that Grave has no idea what he's getting himself into. Because Cain didn't tell him who she was? Because she's just that good? Ugh.
Chapter 48
CALLED IT. She's holding the staff wrong, because Grave attacks the middle of the staff in order to break it. Cel whirls away, of course, and hits him in the spine with the butt of the staff. He attacks her again.
This duel is also dumb, but Grave's sword gets stuck in the wood, and then cel hits him in the face with the staff. She also punches him.
She met his blade, holding the staff with both hands, pushing the wood shaft into his sword, even when it let out a splintering groan.
Delightful.
Anyway, she beats him by ducking when he attempts to stab her in the chest. She takes him down and wins the duel. She tells him her name. The duel took two minutes.
I don't know why she's surprised that the first duel took three minutes or this one took two minutes. It's actually not that impressive. Duels aren't like the movies.
So anyway, we now get to the weird random part where Cel and Cain have to drink from the goblets brought to them by Kaltain. How convenient that this is a thing. Why do they have to honor the Mother Goddess? The religion is so empty there's no reason given. It'd make more sense if they honored the war god or whoever that one was.
Anyway, they drink from the goblets and they go ready themselves for the duel. She whines that she doesn't have time to rest but I don't care. You don't have time to rest in battles or whatever.
And it's not like Evil King Papa is interested in fairness.
Nacho tells her not to lose, and she gets ready to fight. With a damaged staff no less, haha. Talk about unfairness.
"Begin!" he roared, and Celaena shook her head, trying to clear her blurry vision. She steadied herself, wielding her staff like a sword as Cain began circling.
So wait, this is a thing you knew about but decided not to do it?
Cel is getting sick from the poison. Cain charges at her, and she manages to bloack. Cain is ruthless and fast, and Cel is barely holding her own against him.
Holy crap, this duel takes up so much time in this chapter.
She gets more and more out of it, Cain is fast and strong. He taunts her, she gets a hit in that he shrugs off. She figures out Kaltain poisoned her and with what. He taunts her more and gets more hits in. Cain breaks her staff because of course. Instead of stabbing her, Cain punches her in the shoulder. He also then kicks in her in the shoulder. Cel only has a small piece of wood left.
We then switch POV to Prince Fizzbitch because THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED IN THE MIDDLE OF A DUEL WHAT THE HELL.
He's nervous because he can tell there's something wrong with Cel. He wants to call off the duel, because Evil King Papa would totally allow that. He watches as Cain manages to draw blood from her leg. But she stands back up just in time for Cain to punch her.
What the fuck is up with this guy using his fists and feet when he has every opportunity to stab her? Is he that stupid to toy with her when he can win easily?
We switch TO NACHO BECAUSE FUCK PACING. He watches as Cain taunts Cel for being shitty. He also mentions something about her "father" because why would he know who her father is? No one else who knows she's Celaena Sardothien knows who her father is. Remember my theory she's a princess of Terrasen? I'm still holding to that.
"It's all there," he said. "Right under that wall you built on top of it. I can see it clear as day."
Oh right. Magic. He sees into her with magic. Okay, that makes sense. Carry on.
Cain further taunts her about her parents and how they were killed in front of her. Nacho feels bad because he can't help her. Cel tries to hit him with the remnant of the staff and Cain just lols.
He manages to kick her in the ribs hard enough for her to go flying.
Apparently this rib breaking kick sends flipping over and over, whacking her head against stone, and she still manages to get up. She probably should have died, but whatevs.
We finally switch back to Cel.
He could have pointed his sword at her heart at any point. This wasn't a duel--it was an execution.
I had no idea executions involved so much fighting and playing around like a cat with a mouse. This is closer to torture. God, can this book get anything right? She thinks about how unfair it is that she got drugged.
Cain slams her skull into stone, and somehow she doesn't die. Except it's not stone? This book is terrible unclear.
She "hallucinates" a dead man with pale rotting skin.
\
She assumes it's a hallucination. Nacho walks over to her and tells her to get up. Apparently her being down and not moving until Nacho tells her to isn't grounds for disqualification. What the hell.
Nacho has to tell her to get up again, and yet again. AND AGAIN.
AND.
AGAIN.
God. Just get up already or die.
So she gets up, Cain grabs her and smashes her into the clock tower again (so she did hit her skull against stone? Also what's the point of having the sparring ring butt up against the clock tower?). She sees more dead creatures. It's stupid. They come and attack her, trying to bring her through the Wyrdgate into another realm.
So she lashes out and hits one of the creatures. The other world disappears and she sees Cain. She wonders how long she's been out and I'm just shaking my head at this sorry excuse for a duel. Cain grabs for her, but only manages to get her amulet. It breaks off her neck, and she sees the army of dead again. They attack her.
A much better Army of Dead(ites)
CLIFFHANGER.
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