Chapter 51
Prince Fizzbitch is talking to Evil King Papa. He wants to know what is going to happen to Nacho for killing Cain.
Um, considering Cain tried to kill the King's Champion, I'm pretty sure there will be no punishment? Because Nacho Cheese Doritos was doing his job? FOR ONCE IN HIS DAMN LIFE?
They argue a bit about it, and Evil King Papa says something like "You think the life of an assassin is worth more than that of a soldier."
YOU ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WAS YOUR CHAMPION BEFORE CAIN TRIED TO KILL HER. SO SHE'S IMPORTANT TO YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Evil King Papa then asks if Fizzbitch would have killed him if HE had tried to kill Cel. Why. What. I just. Come on EKP what the hell are you smoking? Did you drop some acid while you were at it? I just don't understand why this is even a matter to discuss. Nacho did his job by protecting the interests of EKP. She isn't "just" an assassin anymore, he's her champion. Even if it's a stupid dumb job, it's still hers by rights and by his own decree. WHY IS THIS SOMETHING THAT IS A PROBLEM. THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A PROBLEM. NACHO FIXED A PROBLEM.
I feel like I'm in goddamn Wonderland.
"So you won't punish Chaol?"
"I see no reason why I should rid myself of a perfectly capable Captain of the Guard."
But you know, not give him thanks over the fact that he killed a dangerous person, but whatevs. He's decent enough.
Then Prince Fizzbitch asks what EKP is going to do with Celaena. And the king decides he DOESN'T want a "blubbering woman" as his Champion. And he actually has a really good reason. He points out that if Cel were actually really good, she should have noticed the poison before she ever drank. He's really not wrong. I mean, Cel always crows about how wonderful she is, and she was even second best at the poisons after Pelor. She has to be on the lookout for those things. Even in a competition with rules, it was obvious those rules were going out the window as far as killing other competitors goes. It's actually a HUGE surprise that nothing like that happened before in any of the other tests.
You gather 24 people together to compete, and MOST of them are criminals? Thieves and assassins, and you expect them to play by the rules? Why on earth would ONLY Cain decide to cheat? I mean, come on, this could have been a really cool store of backstabbing and alliances and figuring out really interesting ways to undermine and destroy the competition.
Instead we get to see like four of the many tests and they were all super boring.
Back to the story. Prince Fizzbitch argues with Evil King Papa about whether or not Cel is any good and should be kept as the Champion.
"Why should I see an assassin as anything but a monster? I brought her here to do my bidding, not to meddle in the life of my son and empire."
EKP just droppin' truth bombs all over the place. Prince Fizzbitch is angry over this, and I can't imagine why he's shocked? Evil King Papa has never shown himself to be kind and compassionate and even if this King's Champion business is stupid and he is a dumbass for the whole Nacho killing Cain thing, he's right on the money. He doesn't want a person who'll meddle and undermine him, either.
Fizzbitch says that everything she did, she did to "survive," and EKP just laughs at that. Fizzbitch also gives away his overwhelming attachment to Cel. Cuz he's a DUMBASS. EKP essentially dismisses Prince Fizzbitch, and the poor widdle prince is pissy.
He randomly thinks about Nehemia giving her weapon to Cel and it's pointless and does nothing to further anything. He then mentions Perrington wanting to use Nehemia as a hostage to ensure the obedience of the Eyllwe rebels. Evil King Papa is interested because he ain't no fools (sometimes) and asks if Fizzbitch agrees.
Though Dorian's palms began sweating, he schooled his features into neutrality as he said, "No, I don't. I thinkw e're better than that."
That was part and parcel of international politics, honey buns. Use whatever means necessary to ensure peace and quell rebellions. Nehemiah is the perfect leverage. EKP would be an absolute idiot not to use her.
Prince Fizzbitch then tries to say it's too risky, and that they could ignite a full on rebellion if they try to use her as a hostage. That may be true, but man, it's still stupid to let a perfect opportunity like this slip through their fingers. Fizzbitch knows nothing about politics and international relations.
Especially since EKP successfully conquered several nations. Sure, he left a bloody wake in his path, but that's kind of what evil dictators do. But Evil King Papa is like "lol I'll order Perrington to stop his planning."
I'm going to pretend for the sake of Evil King Papa's two dimensional characterization and his knowledge of politics that he's just doing that to make Prince Fizzbitch stop whining. Come on, he's supposed to be evil and power hungry. SHOW US BEING UNDERHANDED AND USING ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
We switch POV to Cel, and she's all sore from her duel, and laying in bed. She's covered in bruises and every part of her hurts. She had nightmares the night before and thinks they were because she lost Elena's amulet.
Nehemia comes into her chambers and asks how she's doing.
BTW, Fleetfoot the stupidly named dog is perfectly friend to Nehemia, further evidence that Prince Fizzbitch switched out the problem dog for a friendly puppy.
"I won't waste time dancing around the truth," Nehemia said. "I saved your life at the duel."
God, Nehemia, why couldn't you have let her die?
So Cel's hallucinations weren't hallucinations, and Nehemia saw everything. No word yet on if she saw Fairy Princess Elena.
Also, the bloodbane in the wine is apparently magic, and it used the magic in Cel's blood to give her the visions of the other world and the dead things. It doesn't make much sense but when has anything made any sort of sense? I was unaware that bloodbane was magic. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO MENTION THAT WHEN IT WAS USED IN THE POISON FINDING TEST.
Cel asks why Nehemia pretended to speak the common tongue badly, and Nehemia explains that people will reveal a lot of information if they think you can't communicate with them. And that she had lessons with Cel because she liked her.
Nehemia also reveals that she was researching the Wyrdmarks and that she knows how to read and use them. It's a family thing. Anyway, lots of blah blah blah about wyrdmarks and magic and what they can do. She figured out Cain was using them but couldn't control them.
Apparently Nehemia was banishing and destroying the monsters Cain summoned.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO SEE THAT.
Shame burned on Celaena's cheeks. How could she ever have believed Nehemia was the one killing Champions?
Because she know about Wyrdmarks when no one else did? Because this book needed tension? Because it would have been AWESOME if that was a reveal here, that Nehemia is wielding evil magic to sow discord amongst the people in the court in order to undermine the king and free her people?
GODDAMMIT BOOK.
I feel like this book is just trolling me now.
By the way, Nehemiah drew the marks under Cel's bed, and I'm wondering when the hell she had time to do that or why the guards would have let her in when Cel wasn't there. Wait a minute. Nevermind. These are the worst guards ever, of course they would have let Nehemiah in.
Apparently without the wyrdmarks protecting Cel, the ridderack would have come after Cel even sooner. Because Cain hated her. But Cain straight up told her that it wasn't her time yet. So Nehemiah is just spewing random bullshit and Cel accepts it even though Cain said otherwise to her.
God the internal consistency of this book is crappy.
Cel wonders if Nacho is being punished for killing Cain. WHY WOULD HE BE PUNISHED?! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME.
Nehemia remarks that Nacho is TOTES IN LOVE with Cel (because he killed Cain? He'd probably do the same for anyone). And now we find out that Nehemia did see Elena, because she opened the portal to let her through to save Cel. There's some discussion on the beings that live in the other realms (good and bad beings).
This whole part isn't very interesting, even though it should be. Mostly it's just a lot of exposition dumped right at the end of the book. This book has the weirdest pacing issues.
Nehemiah mentions that Cain's knowledge of Wyrdmarks is unusual for where he's from. And therefore it's frightening to her. The evil of his soul made his "other realm" body look like a demon.
OH GOD JUST... STOP TALKING. THIS IS SO USELESS.
Nehemiah finally admits she's in Rifthold to be a spy and I'm SHOCKED. SHOCKED I TELL YOU.
Cel calls her the bravest person she's ever met. Because she would make any sacrifice for her people, or something.
I dunno, I can't imagine a REBEL PRINCESS would make a very good spy, but I can roll with it because fantasy. Look at it this way, though. Evil King Papa knows about the rebels because they're all dying and shit. Somehow slaves in Endovier got rumors that Nehemiah was working with the rebels. If slaves in a salt mine, a LOCKED DOWN LIKE HELLA salt mine, then EKP OBVIOUSLY heard those rumors.
And then all of a sudden a Princess from this rebelling country shows up at court? Do you really think he's going to let her spy around and snoop? Do you really think this dude is that stupid? Do you really think he can't use her spying to his advantage? Spies are best when they're low profile. Spies are best when no one notices them. Spies aren't high profile princesses with rumors swirling around them of their rebel sympathies.
This is elementary, for crying out loud.
ANYWAY. Cel promises not to tell about Nehemiah's magic. Nehemiah offers to walk the dog, and they have a shmoopy "i'm glad we're friends" conversation.'
Nehemiah found the amulet and gives it back to Cel.
Elena's Amulet, probably
Chapter 52
Prince Fizzbitch wakes up Cel the next day (he actually knocked this time but came in before she said anything). They have a halting conversation about how Cel looks and how Fizzbitch can't sleep. Apparently he can't sleep because of what Cain did to her.
Fizzbitch asks if he can lay down next to Cel because damned if I know. She asks how Nacho is doing. Prince Fizzbitch tells her that Nacho is fine but took a couple days off (I mean, it's not like the guy doesn't have a lot of downtime considering how often he babysat Cel).
Fizzbitch then apologizes for not 'saving' Cel. They go back and forth on whether or not he should be sorry for not stopping the duel after it was clear she was drugged. Cel randomly sees "green skin and yellow fangs" in her eyes (I have no idea wtf that is about).
"I should have sliced Cain open the moment he laid a hand on you. Instead, I stood there as Chaol knelt at the sidelines. I should have been the one to kill Cain."
The demon faded, and a smirk spread. "You're starting to sound like an assassin, my friend."
Um, no. He sounds literally like the opposite of an assassin. Assassins kill people for money and have no emotions (usually) over the person they kill. Killing Cain out of defense or vengeance sounds like a NORMAL PERSON REACTION.
Cel decides to snuggle up to Prince Fizzbitch. She asks if he thought she'd win the competition when he sprang her from Endovier.
You know that old saying, "There are no stupid questions?"
Well, there ARE inquisitive idiots. And this book is full of them.
He then says he never really thought he'd fall in love with her, and they kiss and it's stupid.
We then switch to Evil King Papa's POV! Finally!
Seated on his glass throne, the King of Adarlan stroked Nothung's pommel.
*snerk*
Is that supposed to sound sexual?
Anyway, Perrington is there, kneeling. EKP thinks to himself about whether or not he wants Cel to be his Champion. It might be a risk since she was close to Fizzbitch and Nehemiah (yes, it's a huge ask risk. Don't be a doofus).
He thinks about not punishing Nacho (WHY IS THAT EVEN AN OPTION? DID THIS BOOK JUST NOT... REMEMBER ANYTHING?), about Fizzbitch not being a soldier, and how he could be a strong General.
He decides Cel is the only person he could trust to do his bidding. Except for all the soldiers who do his bidding already, I suppose? YOu know, the ones who killed 500 Eyllwe rebels? Any of the other competitors who were sent home because they couldn't do typical warrior skills instead of assassin skills? This competition was the most useless thing in the world.
EKP knows his Wyrdmarks, but didn't know the one on Cel's forehead. He thinks that if he finds out that she's a part of some prophecy or something that can be used against him, then she'd be executed. Because he's only half-foolish, I guess.
Evil King papa finally acknowledged Perrington, and compliments him on manipulating Kaltain so well. We get actual confirmation that Perrington was using magic on her to control her and give her headaches. We also find out that Kaltain had no idea Perrington was using magic on her, and it's also clear that Perrington and EKP are in cahoots (though EKP had no idea that Perrington was going to "reveal her character" whatever that means). Anyway, they discuss using the power to control the minds of other people.
Perrington doesn't like the idea of Kaltain "rotting in the dungeons", and EKP promises she won't be there forever. They decide to control her if she doesn't go along with their plans.
"We will soon have much to do in Erilea. Prepare yourself. And stop pushing your plan to use the Eyllwe Princess--it's attracting too much attention."
Hmmm... methinks EKP has some dire plans afoot. Because he's evil, yo.
Actual photo of Evil King Papa
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