Chapter 28
Cel is playing billiards. She's not very good because, presumably, this is her first time ever playing the game.
She also thinks she can master the game by midnight. Because it took you a few hours to master all the assassin skills you trained for years, huh? What a ninny. She's getting pretty irritated, by the way.
It stopped rolling at the edge of the pocket.
A shriek of rage ripped from her throat, and Celaena ran over to the pocket. She first screamed at the ball, then took the cue in her hands and bit down upon the shaft, still screaming through her clamped teeth. Finally the assassin stopped and slapped the three ball into the pocket.
Cellophane's tantrum makes my 2 year old niece look mature. Just. I don't even know what else to say about this. Pool isn't easy if you've never played before. And when you're an 18 year old woman who's shrieking and biting things because you can't play a game you've never played before and don't have a teacher?
I hate you from the very bottom of my black, crusty soul, Celaena Sardothien.
"For the world's greatest assassin, this is pathetic," said Dorian, stepping from the doorway.
Shit, this is pathetic for anyone over the age of seven.
Once again, someone managed to sneak up on a trained assassin. Further proof that Cel's notoriety is probably that she's the WORST ASSASSIN EVER.
They banter somewhat about Cel's inability to function on a human level, and we get a stupid scene where Dorian decides to show her how to play. When he shows her how to hold the cue, she snaps at him that she knows what she's doing.
Obviously not, you brain dead orangutan.
Oh who am I kidding orangutans are adorable
Dorian then does the ol' "put his arms around her to show her how to do a sport in a way that isn't actually helpful if you know anything" maneuver.
Though it was the oldest and most shameless trick in the book, he reached over her and put his hand on top of the one that gripped the cue. He then positioned the fingers of her other hand on the wood before lightly gripping her wrist. To Dorian's dismay, his face became warm.
Ew.
Then Dorian explains everything else and she can finally hit the balls correctly (fnar-fnar).
Also, this line actually exists in the text:
He removed himself from her and smirked.
They then play billiards together. They eat from a dessert tray while playing and Cel eats a large piece and a half of chocolate cake because she's so greedy? IDK why this is relevant. Dorian wins every game, and apparently whenever she actually hits the cue ball it results in "shameless bragging" (really, she'll even brag over something so ridiculously pointless?!).
When she missed-well, even the fires of Hell couldn't compare to the rage that burst from her mouth.
Holy Macaroni, Batman. This woman has some severe issues if she throws a huge fit every time she doesn't hit a ball on the first day she's ever played a difficult game.
I think Celery could benefit
Also, when she's not throwing a hissy, Dorian mentions they talk about books and apparently she's "frighteningly smart" though we have zero evidence of this being the case. Mostly she's just a slightly dim jerkwad with anger issues. Also theater is a thing in this world but it's only mentioned in passing.
After they're done playing, Dorian randomly asks what she's thinking.
"Do you think Xavier and the other Champion murders were intentional?"
WORDS MEAN THINGS. MURDER IS BY IT'S VERY DEFINITION INTENTIONAL YOU GOLDFISH.
Dorian just says "perhaps" because he doesn't understand that words mean things either (also, she saw WYRDMARKS at one of the murder scenes, and Fairy Princess Elena straight up told her a dark evil was lurking around, THIS IS COMPLETELY SPELLED OUT FOR YOU. "FRIGHTENINGLY SMART" MY ASS).
Dorian wonders about her past, and wants to know everything about her. She had fallen asleep on the couch, so he wakes her up and leads her into her bedroom. When she falls asleep again, he notices the necklace Queen Elena gave her, and then leaves her room.
Chapter 29
We see another Test! Cel is watching Cain and Grave spar. The Test is that everyone is paired and whoever wins the sparring match is not eliminated. The losers would be judged by Brullo (remember, "poisons are useless" guy).
Grave is holding his own, but Cain is barely winded. Cain wins the match. Verin taunts Cel because she's clenching her fists and pressing them against her ribs during the duel. Nox tries to defend her but Verin isn't scared, and insinuates that Cel and Nox are sleeping together.
Cel tells him to shut up and threatens to rip out his tongue. At least I can understand this anger, even if by nature Cel would be used to these comments if being a female assassin is so unusual. Brullo tells them to shut up and get in the ring.
They start to spar. Verin swings his sword, but Cel punches him in the arm, which causes Verin to lose his grip on the sword. This is the dumbest thing ever since her reach is so much shorter than his. But whatever. She hits his other arm and then kicks him in the chest.
Verin loses.
"Here's a lesson for you, Weapons Master," she said, stalking past him. "Give me real men to fight. Then maybe I'll bother trying."
Yeah, that's the way to go about it, insult the man who determines who gets eliminated.
She goes to Cain and is all "just a little lapdog."
Cain's black eyes gleamed. "All I hear is yapping."
You know, I kind of want Cain to win just to spite Cel. Obviously that's not going to happen, but a girl can dream.
After the Test (we don't hear who gets eliminated or how Nox did), she's back in her rooms and watching it snow. She looks at the tapestry of Queen Elena that hides the secret passageway and thinks about how the adventures she used to want are nothing like she'd thought they'd be. She's lonely and starts thinking about her old boyfriend Sam. This scene is kind of pointless.
Then we switch POV to Kaltain! She's watching some performance, acrobats to be precise. She isn't interested, but Clueless Queen Mama wanted her to sit with her so she's being polite (In one paragraph she's already better at hiding her emotions than Cel and Kaltain is the designated Mean Girl. Wow).
She thinks about how Perrington wants to sleep with her and how she could probably get him to propose to her. She really wants to be Dorian's wife, though. Also, she's had a bad headache for a week and I feel bad for her. Headaches that don't go away are the worst.
She exchanges a pleasant words with the Queen about the acrobats, and Kaltain then has a severe jolt of pain in her head. She clenches her fists, but continues to make conversation. She makes some comment about how Dorian said he enjoys coming to court. Clueless Queen Mama is surprised (because she's not so clueless and knows her son is useless). Kaltain does some manipulating and says that Dorian stays away because he's shy.
The Queen is like "oh yeah, I was hoping though that you'd tell me he was interested in a girl" or something to that effect.
Kaltain's headache grows a little worse and she wants her "pipe" (presumably to smoke Mary Jane) but she can't leave until Clueless Queen Mama does.
Pretty sure this is Kaltain after she smokes a bowl.
CQM mentions there IS a lady, but no one knows how.
That is the easiest information in the world to find out. I'm not appreciating the fact that Clueless Queen mama is portrayed so witless. She asks if Kaltain knows her, and she doesn't. Anyway, CQM compliments Kaltain's cleverness, and wishes she'd met Dorian before the Duke. Kaltain is actually pretty smooth here, being a bit (but not too much) self-effacing, making CQM compliment her more.
How is it that this supposed-to-be villainous character is more sympathetic and clever than the protagonist?
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