Chapter Seven
The company finally gets to the city of Rifthold and they enter to much fanfare (literally, there are trumpets). Cel is also unchained and all dressed up for her entrance into the city. The city stinks. Dorian waves at his subjects who stop to watch the excitement.
Dorian is popular with the ladies, and of course they give Cel "sharp stares" because she's a woman who happens to be traveling with them. It's one of THOSE books. I'm not denying that jealousy happens among, well, anyone, but for all these people know Cel could be the wife of one of the soldiers, or maybe Duke Perrington or Nacho Cheese got themselves hitched and that's why they were traveling. I mean, you'd assume they'd announce a marriage like that before hand so it's not the best explanation, but I wouldn't see a group of soldiers and nobles and a prince and be like "That girl is totes screwing the Prince."
I think my problem is that it doesn't mention that it's only a couple women, it's "the same women who beheld the retinue." Come on. Not every woman is going to be jealous of her, since some of them are probably married, engaged, or have boyfriends. OR GIRLFRIENDS. Dorian's dick ain't that special.
Cel just smiles at them, and Nacho Cheesier pinches her because apparently she looks ridiculous. Cel actually SAYS she should jump off her horse and run, which is a step up from just thinking it, but Nacho tells her she'd be shot if she tried it in this bantery way.
I don't think any of these characters can have a conversation that isn't full up of dumb banter.
They enter the shopping district and Cel's love of shopping is called a "ravenous sort of hunger" and I'm afraid. I like shopping as much as the next girl, but it's freaking boring to read about and of course vain Cel is in love with shopping. Anyway, they move on and Cel gets a glimpse of the ocean
Slaves staggered down the gangplank of a merchant ship.
Why are slaves on a merchant ship, unless the merchant sells slaves? Those are typically called slave traders. Anyway, most of the slaves are prisoners of war, and Cel is a bit freaked out because she wants to tell them she's not a part of the prince's retinue. Even though she IS, and is planning on competing for the king's Champion position. Regardless of her intent to get her revenge, that doesn't change facts.
Oh also, apparently she's a moral assassin because she freed almost 200 slaves from the Pirate Lord, whoever he is. I'm pretty sure that adventure was mentioned in a prequel novella. I can understand her moral opposition now, after she was a slave, but it's a bit heavy handed considering she killed people for money before she was caught.
They finally get to the castle, "sooner than she would have liked." Like, three paragraphs earlier she was bitching about the long and inconvenient route. Make up your damn mind, woman.
In the courtyard, they dismount and Nacho holds on to her.
"Six hundred rooms, military and servant's quarters, three gardens, a game park, and stables on either side," said Dorian, staring at his home. "Who could ever need so much space?"
I don't know, dumbass, maybe the entire court and the fact that castles were originally built partly so the people of the village could hide within the walls during an attack and they just decided to run with it.
So we get a bit more info on the structure of the castle and it's kind of dumb.
"I don't know how you can sleep at night with only a wall of glass keeping you from death."Why is this a thing. Is it super magic glass? Why are there rooms built entirely of glass? Glass is weak sauce, just dropping a butter knife the wrong way can crack it and compromise the integrity of the floor. Also, the whole PRIVACY issue. Is the glass frosted? Colored? Covered with tapestries? CAN YOU SEE PEOPLE GOING AT IT FROM THE NEXT ROOM OVER. Inquiring minds want to know.
There are also rooms in the stone part of the castle, and this is where Cel is staying.
At least the doors are of cloudy glass, and we get a bit more contradictory information. Cel thinks that it looks like the glass castle had been dropped on top of the original building.
MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND.
Dorian confirms my thought that she fattened up a bit and got some color in her cheeks, and this comment is OUT OF NOWHERE because immediately after he welcomes her to the castle. I have to laugh at this because I have a habit of speaking similarly. I'll say one thing, and then immediately afterwards I'll say something that has absolutely nothing to do with the first sentence. But that's usually when i'm babbling, not when I'm introducing a person to my home. Because that's weird.
With that, the prince nods at some random "cooing courtiers", leers and winks at one pretty lady and leaves.
Cel's rooms are, in, fact, in the stone part of the castle (THOUGH IT MADE IT SOUND LIKE THE WHOLE CASTLE IS STONE IT JUST HAS A GLASS FACADE EXCEPT THAT DORIAN DIDN'T ARGUE WHEN SHE ASKED ABOUT FULL GLASS ROOMS WHAT IS GOING ON WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH THIS).
She actually has something of a suite, as she has a bedroom, bathing chamber, dressing room, dining room, and a music and gaming room.
I'm pretty sure Cel's rooms are bigger than my house, and I have 3 bedrooms. Like, wtf, why is all of that necessary. I mean, obviously Dorian implies there's no lack of room, but that just seems excessive. That's a LOT of space for one hostage in a castle when there are probably literally dozens of courtiers, servants, advisers, officers, etc.
I think it was the music and gaming room that did me in. If it was just a random room that they designated hers, I'll be okay with it, but wow.
SHE ALSO HAS A BALCONY OKAY BUT SHE HAS ROOMS IN THE STONE PART OF THE CASTLE AND THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL GLASS ROOMS ON THE OUTSIDE THIS MAKES LESS SENSE THAN AN ESCHER PAINTING.
The glass castle, probably. Bonus footage of me trying to figure out how it works
Chaol left her, and Celaena didn't wait to hear the door shut before closing herself in her bedroom. Between her murmurs of appreciation during Chaol's brief tour of her rooms, she'd counted the windows-twelve-the exits-one-and the guards posted outside her door, windows, and balcony-nine.
I don't approve of your abuse of em dashes. Just like ellipses, they don't deserve this horrific, nonsensical abuse.
Or the other guards could just stab you while you're trying to wrestle one of their swords away. Cel needs to work on her strategy because it's worded poorly, doesn't make any sense, and THERE ARE NINE GUARDS. While she's trying to take the sword of one of them to cut his throat she'd have eight people on her unless she was picking them off silently. And taking a soldier's sword without him noticing isn't something you can do unless you get a nat 20 on a stealth roll, and this ain't D&D.
Of course she doesn't actually plan on doing this, just wants us to know she's so super good she could do it.
She then goes searching for anything that can be used as a weapon, and finds nothing. So she grabs bone hairpins and string. She makes a shiv out of the hairpins and if you stab anyone with anything hard enough you could do some damage. I'm somewhat disappointed that the text doesn't call it a shiv.
She worked in salt mines as a prisoner, she should know what it's called! SUUUPER nitpicky and it's not a criticism, just me having wishful thinking. Anyway, Cel hides the shiv and looks around the room. She notes the dimensions seem off, and it's probably a secret passageway.
Apparently the games room has a billiard table, which is an odd choice for a fantasy novel. but the first indoor billiard table was reportedly in the late 15th century so I'll roll with it. I have a pool table in my basement, and I still suck (I don't practice). Anyway, she notes the balls are weighty and would make good weapons and I'm having flashbacks to Boondock Saints. Also the billiard cues.
She goes back to her bedroom and takes a nap. A tailor comes to take her measurements for proper attire. And because this is Celaena "I'm a spoiled brat" Sardothien, she hates most of the fabric and color choices. Also her suggestions are brushed off and Cel gets irritated and wants to jab the tailor with a pin.
Cel's anger issues are annoying but not entirely surprising.
Bitch also has servants who attend to her while bathing. She's pretty much a hostage in competition for a Championship with thieves and assassins and SERVANTS WAIT ON HER IN THE BATH. This is so weird, guys. It's got a very Hunger Games Prep Team vibe, as the servants "pamper" her by trimming her hair (I wonder how long it's supposed to be since it was cut a year earlier when she went to the mines) and doing her nails and scraping off the callouses on her feet.
Why. She isn't going to be doing interviews for an out-of-touch Capitol before being sent to kill a bunch of other teenagers. It made sense in the Hunger Games to showcase how ridiculous the games were and how completely different the Capitol was from the Districts. Here, she's just going to be competing in random challenges and probably won't even be interacting with most of the populace.
Cel brags about how awesome she looks, and her hair is "half up and twisted with a fuchsia ribbon" and I guess they didn't cut off too much when she was in the mines. Oh god, I am Cel. i'm so obsessed with her hair. Shame on me.
Also CORSETS. She hates them, precious!
This was why she mostly preferred tunics and pants.
Shut the hell up, Celaena, you were practically peeing yourself you were so excited about dresses a few pages ago in the same chapter.
Cel gets a personal maid named Philippa Spindlehead and she knows who Cel really is. She explains the other Champions have guards too, and that people will probably assume Cel is a lady-friend of Prince Dorian. Dorian is a man ho, yo.
Philippa tells Cel she'll act like a woman when she's under her charge and I hate her already.
[Celaena]"You understand what my occupation entails, don't you?"
[Philippa] "No disrespect, but this sort of finery is worth far more than seeing my head roll on the ground."
What the hell do those two statements have to do with one another.
We switch to Dorian staring at his father, the King. He thinks about how much his brother Hollin looks like the King. Dorian has mysteriously blue eyes that no one else in the family has. Yay for recessive genes! Unless it's a hint that Dorian really isn't the son of the king and his mom got some side action.
Dorian and his papa don't get along. The king is way smarted than anyone else and says that she wouldn't hesitate to kill him. Which, in theory, would be true but Cel is all talk at this point (and, apparently, throughout the rest of the novel).
There's some talk of the competition being unnecessary and how Dorian was gambling on the outcome. Dorian says they don't need to train her. That's true enough, but she does need to get back up to snuff after a year of not doing her skills. It takes me a long time to get back up to skills when I even so much as play the piano or remember to pick up my bow, and I usually go only a couple months between doing so. Muscle memory and training can only do so much; It's constant practice that's the difference between an amateur and a professional.
Dorian and Papa Evil argue about the champions, Duke Perrington, and all manner of things. The king mentions Dorian's manwhorish ways and threatens him over the thought of illegitimate heirs.
Dorian is a dumbdumb and mouths off to his obviously Evil and unstable father, but the king is like "meh, whatever."
The king tells Dorian to keep his distance from Cel, and once again proves he's smarter than anyone else by telling him that she's probably using the competition to get away from that all (and probably to kill him).
Dorian mouths off AGAIN because he's the dumbest dumbass in all of the land, and Evil King Papa backhands him and demands total obeisance. Obviously this dude is mad with greed and power. Dorian leaves and this long chapter is over.
Chapter Eight
Cel and Nacho go for a walk around a castle, I guess as a tour. Cel mentions something about refusing to go into the glass castle, which makes me think there's a separate castle made of glass, but we know that's not the case, so... This book doesn't make any sense and I think it should be ashamed.
Cel told Nacho that she wanted to go for a tour because she was bored, but she was really plotting an escape route. Apparently Cel refuses to go into the glass addition (I thought glass was dropped on top of the old castle what is going on with this place).
"There's no difference between the interiors-you wouldn't even know that you were inside it unless someone told you or you looked out the window."
Okay, so, like... does the glass addition have wood paneling or something? Is it a 60's castle?
Actually this is quite beautiful.
They have some discussion on the integrity of all glass rooms, but Nacho doesn't explain why the rooms wouldn't break, just that it's impossible. He points out that one of the rooms is the Queen's Court, and apparently he's giving too much dangerous information away, but anyone could tell her that and if the queen's court isn't guarded then I guess they don't care about the queen.
Cel then asks about Dorian's 10 year old brother Hollin. Of course, right before the text mentions that he's 10, she asks if he's as handsome Dorian. Cel, why the hell would you ask if a 10 year old is handsome do not be Mary Kay Letourneau.
Also it's well-known that Hollin is a Demon Child. Apparently a few months before her capture, when he was like 9, Hollin beat one of his servants within an inch of her life because his porridge burnt.
Dude was a nine year old child, the chick could have sat on him.
Yes, yes, I know touching the royal prince would have been grounds for death under Evil King Papa, but still. I'm a five foot tall weakling and I would be able to overpower my almost-nine year old nephew no problem, and without hurting him.
The family was paid off and the prince sent to boarding school.
"Hollin will grow into his lineage," Chaol grumbled. There was a bounce to her step as Celaena walked on, the court fading away behind them.
For someone so compassionate about the slaves, you don't give a flying flip about servants, Cel. Why are you literally bouncing after thinking about Hollin beating the shit out of some poor servant?
They hear explosions, Cel asks what it is, and it's apparently a clock tower.
So apparently the bells sound like explosions? WTF. The clock tower is made of black stone, complete with gargoyles. There is literally no explanation about why BELLS sound like EXPLOSIONS.
Actual footage of the Bell Explosions
Evil King Papa built it around the time Dorian was born. As Cel and Nacho walk away, Cel notes that there's a mark engraved on a slate tile on the pathway. Nacho doesn't know what it is, and doesn't care. Apparently the gargoyle is pointing at it, and again Nacho doesn't care.
I feel ya, Nacho Libre.
They go back to the castle and Cel asks about another room with dragons on the walls. It's a library, and Cel wants to go in. Nacho lets her, and thing is pretty much the library from Beauty and the Beast.
Also, somehow they fit in a million books in there. I mean, i suppose it's possible since the St. Louis Public Library has 4 million books, and the castle is pretty much the size of a city, but that's a LOT for the analogous time period.
Cel is obviously a great lover of literature and I'm wondering when she had time between killing people to become the most notorious assassin in the country but then I remember what book I'm reading.
Nacho makes a comment about assassins liking to read (HAH), and then asks if she's been to the Great Library of Alexandria Orynth that is twice the size of the Adarlan Royal Library and that it used to hold all of the knowledge of the world.
She has, of course, but obviously when she was really young (it's in her country of birth).
Also the Great Library of Alexandria Orynth was partially destroyed because the King ordered magical books burned. Cel hopes that the librarians had managed to hide some of the books before they were destroyed when the royal family was slaughtered.
Cel asks why none of Nacho's "folk" are in the library, and he answers that guards have no use in a library. But what about other people? Is there anyone else in this library in a castle where I'm sure hundreds of people live?
Nacho explains that reading is out of fashion. But by sheer statistics, I would think SOMEONE, even advisers or even craftsman or children of nobles would be in there researching and learning.
Once again, Nacho explains that it's the king's library and says that one needs permission from either the Prince or the King to even enter the library. How convenient. On the one hand, I could see Evil King Papa preventing his non-noble subjects from reading to keep them ignorant (but... just in his library? The way it's phrased is you might be able to read if you're nobility? Whatever). On the other hand, I'm sure people sneak in all the time since GUARDS HAVE NO USE IN A LIBRARY.
Later on in her rooms, Cel gets some parchment and writes a note to Dorian. It's really rude, but "proper protocol", and she asks to use the library. She sends it off, and the servant returns with books and a note from Dorian.
He wants to start a little book club with her, because of course.
Cel wakes the next morning to the sound of the Exploding Clock. She slept in til noon, and is freaking out because the competition was supposed to start that day.
Remember, the best assassin in Adarlan.
Nacho isn't anywhere to be found, so Cel goes to sit on the balcony.
She looked again at the five guards beneath the balcony. They stared right back at her, and when they slowly lowered their crossbows, she grinned. She could knock them senseless with a few heavy books.
There are 9 of them. NINE. I don't think she could knock them out in fast enough succession before getting a crossbow bolt to the face. It was so refreshing to not read about how she could incapacitate someone for a few pages, but alas. I forgot what book I'm reading.
Three women are walking in the garden. Cel remarks to herself that women's talk is BORING, BORING I SAY. The women are all well-dressed, and Cel wonders if the one with the finest, red gown has a 16" waist. That is RIDICULOUSLY tiny. Like, more than you might think. I can't tell from the narration if it's hyperbole or serious.
Cathie Jung has a 15" waist.
I hope it's hyperbole because... yikes.
Red gown woman talks about Dorian's color preferences and she argues with her ladies-in-waiting. She's a totes diva because of course she can't like fashion or new dresses (But Cel can because of reasons).
Anyway, red-dress woman continues about Dorian and the way she talks is so over-the-top self-involved and unrealistic. She wonders about the girl the prince brought to Rifthold. And calls her a harlot, because... well, that's what mean girls are supposed to do.
Also apparently Red Dress Woman needs a pipe for a headache. OMG THIS WORLD HAS WACKY TOBACKY!
"Regardless," the woman continued, striding away, "I shall have to watch my back. I might even have to-"
CRASH!
The women screamed, the guards whirled with their crossbows pointed, and Celaena looked skyward as she retreated from the rail and into the shadows of the balcony doorway. The flowerpot had missed. This time.
Actual Footage of The World's Greatest Assassin throwing a tantrum and a flowerpot
I'm not even joking. Cel loses her temper and throws a flower pot (and misses).
World's.
Greatest.
Assassin.
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