BUT we get a hint of more plot today. I'm not excited.
Chapter 24
Cel is chilling on her bed, staring at random crap.
She didn't fear the night, though she found little comfort in its dark hours.
And then there's some more blather about what night is to her, just a time for her to sleep and kill. And it's pretty dismissive. I'm pretty disappointed in her attitude towards the night. It would be one thing if it was just... not even something she thinks about, but that's not it. It should be the time of day she knows best, not a time that makes her feel "small and insignificant."
YOU CAN'T FEEL INSIGNIFICANT WHEN YOU ARE KILLING PEOPLE OKAY.
There's a test the next day, but she's got insomnia. She's also wearing her gown and laying in bed because she's so lazy.
Greatest Assassin Ever.
There's a strange tapestry on the wall, and it's old, unpreserved, and out of place. The woman in the tapestry catches her attention, so she sits up and notices the tapestry is moving a bit. She investigates and finds a secret passageway.
Everyone loves a good secret passageway!
She goes into the passageway and stupidly wonders why, once she opened the door, that a breeze is blowing inward. Instead of the other way? Drafts are drafts. She walks through the passageway, and in the dim candlelight she can see it's made of stone (NO SHIT?) and covered in dust.
Cel goes back to room to get some supplies. Namely, yarn, chalk, candles, and one of her "makeshift knives" (please just CALL IT A SHIV THAT'S WHAT IT IS).
Side note, google "prison shivs". It's kind of scary. Cel's got nothing on bored inmates.
Cel props open the door (finally, a smart move!), ties the yarn to the chair, and heads into the passage. There were no windows... why... why is that even a thing that needs to be mentioned about a secret passageway?!
She goes down the stairs, sees no identifying marks or anything out of the ordinary. She even wonders if it's a servant's passage no longer in use (which would be ENTIRELY unsurprising but of course this book means it's going to be important). She finds herself DISAPPOINTED by this thought instead of OH HEY HERE'S AN AVENUE OF ESCAPE THAT OBVIOUSLY NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE PUT ME IN THIS ROOM.
The bottom of the stairs soon appeared, and she came to a halt before three equally dark and imposing portals.
What kind of portals?! There is literally no explanation. Minecraft Portals? Portal Portals?!
I choose to believe they're Minecraft Portals until further notice.
Have fun in the Nether, Cellulite!
Cel tries to find if the arches above the portals have any inscriptions to explain where they lead. Nothing. Or at least nothing described. She picks the middle door and finds another staircase and the passage is damp and cold.
Okay so maybe not the Nether
She hears slow moving running water and for SOME MAGICAL reason the passageway is getting lighter from the light of the moon (HOW? IS IT REFLECTED? IT DOESN'T SAY. JUST OMG MOONLIGHT).
She runs out of yarn, and thinks to herself that she knows where she is. The water sound was the sewer. There's an iron fence above this (not in it). Four boats are tied to the banks of the sewer and a few other doors that "lead to this exit" (or lead away... what an odd way to word that). The boats are half-rotted, so it's clear this "escape route" hasn't been used in a very long time.
Cel puts her hand through the fence, and only then does she feel the night air is cold (the fence has magical insulation properties I guess).
She can see trees. This area isn't explained very well, but I'm guessing the fence is blocking the entire open side of this place. No telling whether or not people know about it, but since it's a big hole in the side of the castle, one would think someone DOES.
There are no guards posted on the other side of the fence. Cel does think that this is the part of the castle that faces the sea, but she also sees trees so who the hell knows. It's the glass castle confusing architecture all over again.
Then she decides to brag to herself about how easy it would be to escape after she finds a lever to raise the gate.
She felt reckless-reckless and wild. What was she doing in a palace? Why was she-Adarlan's Assassin!-participating in some absurd competition to prove she was the best? She was the best.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP USING EM DASHES. STOP. USING. EM DASHES. (and yes, they are em dashes, not the hyphens I'm using. I don't feel like using em dashes while writing this because I hate them).
Cel thinks about how everyone's drunk and this is the perfect time to escape. And that they were "fools" for think that they could "tame" her. She climbs up the gate for no reason whatsoever.
Cel, shit or get off the pot. I'm tired of hearing you crow about how you're so special and how you could really escape if you wanted to. She hasn't done this in a while, actually, but no need for this long drawn out self-aggrandizing bullshit.
Actual footage of me right now
She climbs back down the gate, slips and bangs her knee, then continues. She then realizes it would be foolish to escape because the King would find her. Maybe so, but I just wish she'd stop bitching about how it's not fair that she's forced to compete. She also thinks that Nacho would be relieved of his position, but at this point I'm pretty sure that'd do everyone involved a favor.
Also, Nehemiah would be "left alone with moronic company", because we all know that escaping for one's freedom and to get away from a psychopathic king is less important than a bratty princess's social life.
She decides to earn her freedom the "honorable" way. You're supposed to be an assassin. Honor has nothing to do with it you drunken lemur. Then she decides that she'll take advantage of the food, training. That sounds more like it.
Cel goes back to the Portals.
The breeze is back and it pushes Cel to the right. She hears strange whispers in the breeze, and she's so freaked out she decides to go to the left portal instead. This one is warm, and she's walking up steps this time. She starts to hear music after awhile, and discovers it leads to the Great Hall where everyone is partying and she sees it through a bronze gate. Down below is where everyone is chilling, so they can't see her from her vantage point.
She sees Nacho laughing, and for some reason this makes her face flush. Cel can see other gates around the hall. She sees some of the competitors dancing and apparently none of them can dance well (why not? Someone has to be okay at it but these guys are ugly and oafish so of course they can't be). Nox is dancing better because he's handsome.
For some reason all these competitors are at the party in spite of MOST OF THEM BEING DANGEROUS CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK NACHO, and Cel is jealous that they were invited and she was not. She's offended that Pelor is there and she is super duper offended now.
Cain isn't there, though.
She spotted the Crown Prince, dancing and laughing with some blond idiot. She wanted to hate him for refusing to invite her; she was his Champion after all! But . . . she had difficulty not staring at him.
This right here explains everything wrong with this book. Do I even need to elaborate?
I'm feeling this pigeon right now. I hate this book.
She thinks about how she hates him but wants to kiss him and it's the worst. She literally scowls when the prince kisses the blond woman's hand after the dance because she is the worst. She sees Nacho leave the hall, so she decides to go back to her room in case he's going to see her.
We switch to Dorian's POV and I am not prepared to deal with his special brand of suck. He enters her rooms because knocking is a foreign concept in this world. He's drunk, or close to it (or just buzzed, it's unclear), and sleepy. He sees her asleep on the bed in her dress.
He remained in the doorway, fearful that she'd wake up if he took another step. Some assassin. She hadn't even bothered to stir. But there was nothing of the assassin in her face. Not a trace of aggression or bloodlust lay across her features.
I find it amusing that even Dorian is pointing out that she sucks. Also, most people aren't gonna look evil in their sleep you great buffoon.
Dorian just "knows" she "wouldn't harm him." And that right there proves that Dorian is a dumbass of the highest order. For one, it's obviously true considering Cel is the worst assassin ever, but in a book where Cel was a decent assassin (or even the half-rate Pelor), this would NOT be true. In fact, I'd prefer it if Dorian didn't "just know" that Cel wouldn't kill him if she got a high enough offer. BECAUSE SHE'S AN ASSASSIN. BUT APPARENTLY I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS THAT
As he's wondering if her flirting is "real", Nacho is "across the foyer."
Do you know what a foyer is, book? What the hell.
Nacho also remembers that Cel is an assassin and berates Dorian for even being there. Dorian is all "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THEN". Nacho tells him to leave, and actually drags him out by his collar. Go you, Nacho!
Except then we switch to his POV and he's chillin' inside Cel's rooms because screw everything. AND SOMEHOW CELAENA STILL HASN'T AWAKENED WITH THE SCUFFLE.
Then he randomly thinks that Cel is probably still a virgin and Dorian is more interested in her because of that (ughghghghasdklfja;lksdrj;kljskl;djakl;sjdfl; asdf no) and that Nacho felt rage at seeing Dorian in her room, and not because she's a killer killing people, but that it was something beyond jealousy.
Just.
I can't.
UGH THIS IS SO DUMB I HATE ALL OF THIS
You are dead to me, Nacho
Cel finally wakes up when Nacho steps into her room. Nacho tells her that he brought her a present. He then thinks about how the favors given to the women nobility would never be used or given to servants. Because. I don't know. It's an amethyst silver ring.
Do you know how many of these I crafted in Skyrim?!
A lot. I crafted a LOT.
Nacho decides, while blushing, to point out that she's still wearing her gown. Then she falls back asleep, and Nacho covers her with a blanket. For some reason he wants to remove the ring he just gave her (why?!), and then he leaves.
Chapter 25
Guess what? ANOTHER DREAM SEQUENCE BABY.
Not as awesome as this ENTIRE EPISODE of Buffy.
On the coffin, Cel see's a message written by the queen's feet. It says "Ah! Time's Rift!".
She sees that the statues of the rules have pointed ears and determines they're Fae. Because of this, she realizes who these people are. The King is the first King of Adarlan, Gavin, and the Queen is Elena. The first princess of Terrasen, Gavin's queen.
Cel is upset, because she feels she entered a sacred place that will be tainted now because of her crimes. She also wonders why these two were forgotten.
Um.
Maybe because the King forced the Fae to go into hiding and no one wants to be seen honoring a Fae Queen?
Cel also sees piles of jewels and weapons, including Gavin's blade Damaris. She says the name out loud, and someone replies.
It's Elena, because of course. She's impossibly beautiful. Cel thinks she's a ghost at first, but Elena says "not quite".
Apparently the gargoyles on the clock tower are guardians of the portal between the two worlds (Elena's and Cel's, I guess). Elena tells Cel some stuff about how none of this was a coincidence, and that Cel was "meant" to come to the castle.
None of this is terrible. It's even a little interesting. So there's not so much to snark on. I just wish there was more of a framework for the religion or the idea that Elena can be dead but not a ghost, or what her world is. There's no time for her to explain, but I'd like Cel to wonder a bit more about it.
Anyway, Queen Elena tells Cel that there's something evil in the castle and Cel needs to destroy it. It's probs Cain's magic ring. But if Cel doesn't, the portal will be ripped open. Elena is a total drama queen about it.
Kinda like that.
Elena then tells Cel she needs to win the competition because she "understands the people's plight." Uh huh. Sure she does. Since she promptly forgot any of her backstory in the salt mines, she knows exactly what the people are going through. Yep. Elena gives Cel something and says she was "led here" but not by Elena. There's a growl, and Elena's like "peace." and leaves after saying courage of the heart is rare.
Cel runs back to her room then wakes up in her bed. She has an amulet in her hand and nearly screams.
Jewelry is scary, yo.
Okay yeah it is.
The door to the secret passageway is ajar and she freaks out. She closes the door then changes into her nightgown and tries to go to bed with her SHIV (makeshift knife) in her hand. She puts on the amulet Elena gave her. She wonders why Elena wants her to be a champion and what her motives are.
But-if there was a threat like that, then not only her life was at risk. And while she'd be more than happy if some dark force somehow destroyed Cain, Perrington, the king, and Kaltain Romier. . .
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. "An assassin who has retained her humanity" MY ASS. ALL KALTAIN DID WAS BE SORT OF CONDESCENDING. SHE DOES NOT DESERVE TO DIE FOR THIS YOU GIGANTIC DOUCHE.
PERRINGTON MADE YOU KNEEL BEFORE DORIAN. CAIN IS BETTER THAN YOU AT STUFF.
THE KING IS BAD, SO I UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT
WHY
WHY
WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING TERRIBLE PERSON I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU FAIL IN ALL YOUR LIFE'S ENDEAVORS.
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