It's a dreary day outside, my favorite weather because I've been an emo my whole life, I have a cup of tea, a bad book, and Phildel on Pandora. I'm ready for this.
Chapter 22
If you don't remember the end of the last chapter, Cel jumped off the wall to save Nox.
Actual footage off Celiac Celaena
How is she expecting to catch him if he started dropping before she did? GRAVITY HAS RULES, YO.
(Magic?!)
Also the light reflecting from the glass castle is blinding her. WAIT A MINUTE SHE WAS ON A STONE WALL BUT THE GLASS IS COVERING THE ENTIRE CASTLE WHAT HOW IS THIS WORKING I DEMAND DIAGRAMS AND BLUEPRINTS.
Also how is there this huge wall-climbing competition on the side of the castle but none of the residents/THE QUEEN know about it?
Anywho, Cel manages to get her arms around Nox's waist and they fall down.
So Nox tries to grab the rope, but it doesn't stop the insane amount of force as they hit the end of the rope as they fall.
First thought?
And the added weight of Nox? IT HAS TO BE MAGIC
Cel managed to not drop Nox during all of this, and I guess she does have super Hulk powers? I don't know. They go swinging towards the wall, and Cel manages to move so her head doesn't smash the stones, but her shoulder hits instead. I'd be surprised if, in real life, a person's shoulder wasn't at least somewhat damaged (and I'm not talking a couple bruises) by the amount of force and weight sending her body into the wall.
Why am I even critiquing this we've established chapters ago that Cel does not operate according to the laws of physics.
Instead of swinging back and forth a lot, they end up flat against the wall. Nox tries to speak but can't say much. People cheer below, and Cel is trembling and her stomach isn't settled. She also realizes she has to still compete. Most of the competitors stopped to watch, except Cain, who was like 'I don't care about these useless people" and went to capture the flag. Cel is angry. I'm mostly just amused.
She would have won if she'd taken the easy route-she would have gotten there in half the time it took Cain. But Chaol told her to stay in the middle, anyway. And her path had been far more impressive and demonstrative of her skills. Cain just had to jump and swing-amateur scaling.
The point wasn't to show off, the point was to get the flag the quickest and get down. Which Cain did (albeit with magic, but that's neither here nor there). You had to show off as you always freakin' do. She does note that if she'd taken the other route, she wouldn't have saved Nox.
She wonders if she can still make it to the top in time (to do what? This competition is kind of unclear about what the other competitors do after someone Captured the Flag).
There was nothing worse than second place.
Why don't you ask Nox what's worse than second place. I DONT' KNOW MAYBE DEATH. To be fair, there has been some discussion on the fact that silver medalists in the Olympics aren't as happy as bronze medalists. It mostly stems from "I'm not quite the best" whereas bronze medalist are 'OMG I GOT A MEDAL!' Coupled with Cel's entire attitude, it's just grating.
Of course she doesn't even get second place because she's at the bottom and several other competitors tap the top and go down. What a maroon.
Wrong Maroon. But the gif is applicable.
Brullo yells at the two of them to start climbing as if there wasn't an almost double-death, but Cel starts climbing.
OMG so I accidentally spilled tea on the page. Sorry Library!
Nox apologizes, and Cel feels foolish for saving him. Yeah, you go, girlfriend. *eye roll*
Look, do you want to make Cel a hardened, badass assassin or do you want to make her a girl thrust into not-so-ideal circumstances but manages to retain her humanity? Because you 100% tried to convince me of the former, but are showing her to be the latter which doesn't fit with her back story, and it just ends up being a mess of unclear motivations.
Turns out Cel got 18th place, and Nox 19th. She and nacho are chillin', and she's still upset over Scythe dying (um, dude was horrible, I'm glad he's dead, he's a sick, sick murderer. And no one even had to kill him). The fact that he died meant that Nox didn't get eliminated.
Nacho explains that she's doing what they intended, but Cel isn't happy about it. The 'daring rescue' wasn't part of the plan however.
"Wasn't learning to lose gracefully part of your training?"
"No," she said sourly. "Arobynn told me that second place was just a nice title for the first loser."
The only loser we need
Okay, but why was he teaching her to "compete" at all? Even if an assassin isn't the best climber ever, one can dress up as a maid or a page boy and still make the target just as dead as if they had scaled a wall and climbed in the window. Also a lot less obvious, too.
I'm still stuck on the fact that Arobynn is called the King of Assassins. Like... what. And he has an Assassins Keep. I hope that's just what the assassins call it, because good lord, if that was common knowledge they'd be destroyed in five minutes.
Also really surprised a former assassin didn't turn traitor because there's some sweet money to be made from that.
Nacho, WHO APPARENTLY KNOWS ABOUT THIS GUY, asks if Arobynn oversaw her training personally. Okay, Nacho knows about this guy and apparently is doing nothing to find where he is? Anywho, Cel was so freakin' super special that not only did Arobynn train her, but he brought in fighting masters from all over. Though he did expect her to pay him back for it.
"Courtesans go through the same experience: they're taken in at a young age, and are bound to their brothels until they can earn back every coin that went into their training, upkeep, and wardrobe."
But god forbid you be considered one of them, even if they had the same sort of life you do. Of course that little tidbit is completely ignored as Nacho asks if she did manage to pay it back.
She did, it was 500,000 gold coins, and he spent it all in 3 hours.
Actual footage of me right now
Cel tells Nacho he hasn't apologized, and he's understandably confused.
"For all the horrid thigns you said yesterday afternoon when I was sparring with Nehemia."
He narrowed his eyes, taking the bait. "I won't apologize for speaking the truth."
Oh god Celeborn I mean Celaena shut up. Why do you even give a crap? She feels like she was treated as a crazed criminal, and instead of nacho going "BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRIMINAL YOU BLOB FISH", he just whines that she stated that she hated him.
Of course they end up smiling at each other? I don't know why? They banter and it's like what the hell. They throw food at each other.
Nacho. NACHO. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BELOVED NACHO.
This is what you get when you google sad nacho, in case you were curious
Also the competitor who was found dead was in a stairwell, dismembered. Cool.
The end of the chapter consists of SUMMING UP THE NEXT TWO TESTS. Tracking and stealth, which Cel passed without incident. No one else is murdered, Cel gets stronger, manages to hold in her temper around cain. Dorian hadn't come by, but she's worried about the final duel in 9 weeks. Cel isn't so sure she's going to make the final duel, but we know she is so there's no tension.
Chapter 23
Cel is having a nightmare about Endovier. It's not very tension-filled (we don't know it's a nightmare yet) because this book has no actual stakes.
She wakes up, and Nacho is beside her.
So much for those squeaky hinges, eh?
Nacho explains that it was jut a dream and that she was screaming. She tells him what she was dreaming about (being whipped) and she finally asks what he's doing there. Apparently he came in to tell her it's Samhuinn (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME) and that training is cancelled, and that's when he noticed her nightmare.
Let's pause a minute. SAMHUINN. THE SCOTTISH TERM FOR SAMHAIN. That's almost as funny as Yulemas/Christmahannakwanzaka. We already know it's autumn, just make up your own damn festival day.
There's a feast that night, but Cel isn't invited to the Fantasy Halloween Party.
She was going to dress up as a good assassin
They discuss the festival, and it's apparently something about summoning the dead, it being a haunted night, and bonfires. Nacho thinks it's superstitious. They argue on whether the holiday is about the gods and the dead "being close to earth this day" or it being just a festival to celebrate winter and taking the bonfires' ashes to spread over the fields.
On the bright side, it's a LOT better than the usual infodumping about holidays. It's not too bad for a fantasy holiday, but I'm not sure how it stacks up to the real Samhain (I barely celebrated American Halloween as a kid and I went to my Lutheran church's Reformation party for years, so that'll tell ya).
Cel finally gets out of bed after this argument. She goes to take a bath. Nacho patiently waits for her. Maybe he hates his job and is trying to get fired if he can spend so much time with her.
Nacho asks if she's going to the temple, and they argue a bit more on the holiday. Cel "loves porridge". I cant imagine someone who ate bland oats for a year in the mines would still like porridge, but what do I know, I wasn't enslaved.
More banter. There is a test the next day. There was another test that we skipped, which was JAVELIN THROWING ON HORSEBACK IS THIS BOOK EVEN TRYING ANYMORE.
Okay this chick looks totally badass
BTW another job the ARMY ALREADY DOES.
...a spot on her wrist was still tender.
A 'spot'? Not her whole wrist from doing an unfamiliar activity? What?
We switch to Dorian's POV and I'm irritated because ugh.
He is not religious, so he wasn't interested in the religious aspect he was forced to partake in, and he goes for a walk by himself. He goes towards the garden, and he can barely be bothered to give a group of ladies who curtsy a smile because he's the worst. Dorian is upset because his mother keeps bugging him about marriage.
He bumps into Cel (literally) and Nacho and Nehemiah (WHY IS SHE STILL ALLOWED TO HANG OUT WITH CEL). BTW, if you care, Cel's dress is a CENTURY out of date.
For reference, that'd be like me wearing this dress to church
Actually I'd totally do that. I'm such a history nerd.
Dorian halfway points it out (he says the dress is festive) and Cel immediately is offended. They argue a bit. He apologizes to Nehemiah in Eyllwe and asks how she's doing. Nehemiah is "amused" at his bad language skills (ugh what a bitch. unless he accidentally said something funny at least be happy he's trying). Her two guards are hiding in the shadows watching all ominously.
Then we get some nonsense about Duke Perrington wanting to put more of the army in Eyllwe, including using Nehemiah as a hostage (CALLED IT) to discourage rebellion. And Dorian is against it because he has no idea how politics work. I'm not advocating the Duke's methods, but royal games have always had hugely high stakes. Sometimes even taking a royal hostage would be the best way to ensure there was no senseless killing, and it's obvious no one wants to actually hurt Nehemiah because that would ENSURE royal rebellion.
Why am I explaining politics to a book?
Dorian can't warn her about the Duke's plans because he's the crown prince. And why not? He could send her an anonymous note, even. If he's so against the idea and wants to be a better man than his father, why doesn't he find a way? He's so "bored" with court life, but he has all this opportunity for intrigue and for actually making a difference.
GOD THIS DUDE IS SO WISHY-WASHY THAT I'M BEING WISHY-WASHY IN MY CRITIQUE OF HIM.
Anyway, he says he can't tell her because if she left early, everyone would JUST KNOW it was him (instead of THE ENTIRE REST OF THE COUNCIL AND NO DOUBT THE SERVANTS WHO WAITED ON THEM BUT HEY, SERVANTS DON'T GET THOUGHT OF AT ALL EXCEPT PHILIPPA AND BARELY EVEN HER).
Dorian asks if she's going to the feast and Nehemiah then asks if Cel is. Cel says no, and there's some lying/banter and I honestly don't care. Cel then talks to Nehemiah in Eyllwee, and Dorian catches that it's something to the effect that he's a dirty, dirty manho (well, just saying he knows how to keep women entertained).
Perhaps allowing them to be friends was a horrible, dangerous idea.
Yeah, so dangerous to your ego. You absolute nutsack. OH WE CAN'T KEEP HER AS A HOSTAGE BUT WE CAN LET HER HANG OUT WITH AN ASSASSIN WHO COULD KILL IF SHE GETS A PRICE HIGH ENOUGH.
But of course she wouldn't because Cel has an amazing amount of conscience for a contract killer.
Martin Blank is Not Impressed.
Cel and Nehemiah Tyger leave, and Nacho makes some bad joke and leaves. Dorian is frustrated at Cel's dismissal of him and her attitude about not being invited to the feast.
We switch POV back to Cel. She's admiring her out-of-fashion dress. Nacho and Nehemiah have a slight argument on whether Nacho is a soldier or a guard. Nehemiah says there's no difference, Nacho says there is.
Considering what the Royal Guard should be trained in, I'm gonna go with Nehemiah on this one. Nacho joined the ranks of "doesn't understand what his job is" long ago, but it's being made explicitly clear.
Apparently Nacho let Cel hang out with Nehemiah a lot lately, and they talk about how the entire court annoys the princess, which delights Cel. Ugh these people are all terrible.
Anyway, Nacho says he wasn't trained to fight in battles (AND WHY NOT. STORMING CASTLES WAS TOTALLY A THING), and Nehemiah says he kills "on the orders of your king". Cel tells Nacho to stop arguing and brings up his abjuring of his title. She thinks that Nacho looks handsome today and I'm gagging.
Cel then decides to bitch about missing the feast. I really can't bring myself to care.
"But-well, it's a party and everyone loves parties."
I don't love parties.
Cel tells Nacho to bring her back something, and then decides he should take her. Banter banter banter.
Nehemiah bursts in randomly and asks Cel to teach her to speak the language and read and write better. Cel is hesitant because it'd be a hassle (Nacho insists on being with them when they hang out. Or he could just be like NO and leave it at that but why am I retreading this again).
Nehemiah tries to force her to say yes because no other tutor will do (not even professional ones apparently). Nacho nixes the idea. Nehemiah tries to pull rank.
However, before anything can be decided, Cel sees Cain kneeling before the clock tower and he's looking at something on the ground. Cain gets up and leaves.
There's some discussion about him, and they all continue walking.
Actual footage of me rn
They go to see what Cain is looking at, and it's a mark on the ground. Nehemiah says it's something called a Wyrdmark and says that they're part of an ancient religion that is no longer practiced. Nehemiah is bothered by all of this, and wants to forget about it. They translate for Nacho, and they continue on. But Cel sees another mark... somewhere? It's not explained WHERE she sees it. Presumably the path like the previous one? I don't know.
Nehemiah seems a bit shocked that Cel doesnt' know about Wyrdmarks, but Nehemiah says she's hiding something.
Then Cel asks if she can learn to speak Eyllwe properly? What? Doesn't she speak it fluently? No mention of dialect or anything. What the hell. Nehemiah agrees, as long as Cel teaches her langauge as well. They decide not to tell Nacho about it and if Cel wasn't utterly pointless that'd raise big red flags for me.
This novel would be so much better if Cel started taking money to kill nobles and royals and managing to blame it on the person (Cain) killing competitors.
And we're done. Bleh.
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