Throne of Glass Ch. 20-21

I ranted about this book for quite awhile to my sister-in-law yesterday. I have strong feelings about it. Obviously.


Chapter 20

Cel finished a book and hates the ending. Hey, we have something in common. I hate lots of endings of books. She thinks about how she'd apologize to Nacho for the whole "hanging out with Nehemia" thing, but won't because he didn't behave in a manner she approved of. Because SHE has the moral high ground here, apparently, and over something so petty.

He had more important things to do than guard the world's most famous criminal, did he? She didn't enjoy being cruel, but . . . hadn't he deserved it?

So many things wrong with these two sentences.

1. Yes, he does. Good point.
2. By this point I think you're famous for being the worst criminal ever.
3. You totally enjoy being cruel to Kaltain you drunken lemur
4. HE IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD AND HE WAS UPSET THAT YOU WERE SPARRING WITH A FOREIGN DIGNITARY BECAUSE IF ANYONE FOUND OUT SHE WAS HANGING WITH THE WORLD'S WORST ASSASSIN IT COULD CAUSE A HUGE INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT YOU DRUNKEN LEMUR

That's an insult to lemurs

 You got off easy.

She worries some more about how she went from the world's most fearsome criminal to a "sappy mess."

BB, I think you were always a hot mess.

Cel altered the hinges on her doors so they squeaked loudly when opened. Considering how she sleeps like the dead and Nacho has to wake her up, I'm wondering what took her so long (She is the world's worst assassin my god). She also stole some sewing needles and put them in a bar of soap for a pike.

Dude, just whittle down a pool cue with a shard of broken flower pot (you know, INSTEAD OF THROWING IT AT KALTAIN) and you're good to go.

She goes into the games room and sees the pianoforte. Apparently she had time to play it while assassinating people. I can sort of see that, I guess. But if she had the kind of upbringing hinted at with Arobynn I'm doubtful. Unless it was before she was left for dead at age 8.

She goes to the piano and then I face palm.

She had been good once-perhaps better than good. Arobynn Hamel made her play for him whenever they saw each other.

Actual Footage of Cel playing the pianoforte

Okaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy. I was going to critique this from a musician's standpoint, but you know what, I'm just not even goign to bother. Maybe Arobynn was an abusive trainer who also let her have piano lessons and hours a day to practice. Sure.

She thinks about Arobynn, wondering if she knew she'd left Endovier.

Side note: the pianoforte seems a strange instrument to put in this book. I mean, it was invented in the beginning of the 18th century (possibly at the VERY end of the 17th century) and the book feels like it was meant to be analogous to earlier than that (with the tight lacing corsets being the Victorian Era, but that's a common fantasy thing so I don't even care). Whatever, I put anachronisms in my fantasy all the time so it doesn't bother me (Like some people get really upset about it). I just wanted to make a note of it.

Cel thinks about Arobynn and Sam (who had also been betrayed).

She starts playing the piano, just doing simple stuff at first. Then, she starts playing chords and the pedal.

Of course it's not mentioned that she makes mistakes, so she plays perfectly. I'm not denying that muscle memory is a thing. I can still sit down and plunk out Ode to Joy without even thinking about it no matter how long I go between playing, but I still make mistakes sometimes. Can't Cel just make a mistake at something? Please. It would make her so much more relate able.

I like to think this is how that scene went down

Also the prose is very flowery. 

OKAY SO.

JUST A BIT AGO CEL WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW SHE RIGGED THE HINGES TO SQUEAK LOUDLY.

BUT.

JUST.

I DON'T.

Leaning against the doorway, Dorian stood, utterly transfixed. She'd been playing for some time with her back to him. He wondered when she'd notice him, or if she'd ever stop at all.

EVEN IF THE PIANO IS LOUD SHE SHOULD BE MORE ON THE BALL THAN THIS.

HOW IS THIS DUMBASS STILL ALIVE.

Dorian decides to speak then, but before he can finish his compliment, she was up and to the pool cues when she realizes it was him. She asks what he's doing there.

He doesn't explain, but compliments her playing, so she asks again. 

She was of surprisingly average height.

Like, I don't even know what to do with this sentence. THE WHOLE POINT OF AVERAGE IS THAT IT'S NOT SURPRISING. DO I REALLY NEED TO SPELL THAT OUT FOR YOU.

Anywho, Dorian reminds her that they agreed to meet, and Cel says she thought it was just a joke. Also, she asks if he's allowed to be here.

Dorian is all confused, and uses his princely status as a reason that he can do whatever he likes.

Actually, this may come as a shock to you, but just because you're a prince doesn't mean you can fuck off and do whatever you want. Your safety is a priority because you're the HEIR TO THE KINGDOM and no one wants your psychopath of a little brother on the throne.

"Well," he said, trying not to get lost in her strange, lovely eyes, "I don't think anyone who plays like that can be just a criminal. It seems like you have a soul."

Shut up Dorian.

He then asks how she liked the books, and she told them they were wonderful (what about the one with the terrible ending, huh? HUH?). He asks about the training, and she says that after the one dude was killed they're probably all going to behave themselves.

Cel then asks if Nacho ordered Sven's killing, and Dorian says his father was the one to tell the guards to shoot on sight and that he doesn't think Nacho would ever give that order.

Dude is the WORST Captain of the Guard ever. If he can't even bear to give an order for a dangerous criminal to be killed if he tries to escape, doing GOD KNOWS WHAT IN THE CASTLE FULL OF ROYALS AND NOBILITY AND FOREIGN DIGNITARIES then he needs to be fired posthaste.

Cel says that she thinks Nacho hates her, because he's stuck minding her and that's belittling.

Well, we've established many time that he's terrible at his job, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't even realize how belittling it is.

Dorian not-so-subtly asks if she wants to be more than just Assassin and Captain with him (HE MEANS SEX).

Cel either ignores the intent or doesn't get it, and says she doesn't want to be hated (Hahahahahahaha ha hahahahah ahaha!) but that she'd rather be hated than invisible.

Insert fifty-millionth explanation about why she's a sucky assassin here.

He then asks if she's lonely, and she says no.

By the way, Dorian is constantly thinking about how she's pretty or how he wants to touch her and is fawning over her. It's gross.

She also says she doesn't want to be known as one of his conquests, and he's a bit offended.

He snarled. "I'm not going to debate morality with an assassin. You kill people for money, you know."

Apparently she doesn't know. Since we've established time and time again that she has no idea what she does for a living. Cel gets OFFENDED and dismisses him. Dorian is all shocked at this, and Cel threatens to send for Nacho because lord only knows he doesn't do his real job so he's ready at her beck and call.

Dorian complains that he just told the truth, and then asks about her life and how she learned to play the piano.

She literally says "I practiced," so I'm guessing it's some deep dark secret as to who taught her?! She's a bit snappish, and Dorian points it out.

Cel has had enough of him and tells him she's not an "odd commodity" which is probably why he chose her to be his Champion. She calls him out on why he asked to be there tonight, essentially saying he's using her for some yearning for adventure.

I don't know why, Cel is as dull as a clod of dirt.

Actually, this dirt clod is more interesting

Dorian contradicts this, and she continues arguing. It's really boring and I don't care.

Then he decides to pull rank on her like the worst customers you get in retail. "Don't you know who you're talking to?"

When she's all like 'I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT' Dorian laughs and thinks about how he'd like to hit that sweet thang if she weren't an assassin.

Why's that stopping him? I mean, he's alone in a room with her which is probably the STUPIDEST FREAKING THING HE COULD DO. And none of that "omg she'd have killed me already if she wanted to" business, because anyone could slip her a bagful of gold and be like "kill him because he likes hanging out in your rooms with NO ONE ELSE THERE" and she'd be like "kay" and then escape like she thought she could and run away to another country and

Ugh.

This book sucks. I wrote a better plot in a rambling rant.

My brain melted

Dorian decides to leave, but promises to return. He asks about the mystery lover she was thinking of while playing the piano, but she doesn't answer him. he tries to apologize, but she brushes him off. As he leaves, Cel tells him the dude's name was Sam, and that he died thirteen months earlier.

Dorian says he's sorry, wishes her luck, and then leaves and burns the list of Marriageable Women his  mother gave him. 

Because he has the hots for Cerebro I mean Celaena.

Good. These two deserve each other.

Oh thank goodness, I have to go make dinner.

Chapter 21

Noodles are cooking. Here we go.

So we open in the middle of action!! We're at the next Test, and Cel is hanging from a wall doing some light rock wall climbing.

On belay!

She's apparently 70 feet up and she's climbing a wall of "giant blocks." Is she Spiderman? Because that twist would only improve this novel.

One of the Champions disappeared and didn't show up for the test. But Cel doesn't have time to think about that as she has to go another twenty feet up to capture a golden flag and then bring it back to win. By some weird miracle, no one's fallen off the wall yet because there's a bunch of balconies and windows and trellises.

Pls. Game of Thrones did it better.

Try THAT Cerebus Celaena

Apparently Arobynn made her get used to heights by making her stand on the ledge of the Assasin's Keep (what a dumb name). So her little freak out in the glass castle section wasn't from heights, but apparently because this weirdo is afraid of glass, I guess.

She gets to a ledge and rests. Cain is in the lead because magic, with Grave and Veril after him. Nox and Pelor are making a fine showing as well. Each of the competitors got to choose one thing to help them climb, like rope (how would that be useful except to get down?) and boots. Cel took some tar to make her hands and feet sticky, though unless it's magic it's not going to compensate for her body weight. 

Also they let her have some rope too because dammit, Cel gets to have two things while everyone else gets one! It's just to tie the tin to her belt, but still. 

One of the murderers (Scythe) fell and died. I don't care. 

Though the murder of the Eye Eater had made many of the Champions quiet down, the sponsors certainly didn't' seem to care that this Test might very well kill a few more of them.

Most of the competitors are vicious murderers and criminals. Most people wouldn't give a rip if it killed them.

There's a random drainpipe that she shimmies up. She gets frustrated because Cain gets higher than her. I'm not actually made (yay!) because it's a normal and reasonable frustration.

There's some issues down below and it's a mess. Grave is having problems with his rope. This part is really non-snarkworthy since it's just explaining what the competitors are doing in relation to Cel's movements.

Nox shouts because Grave shoved him off their perch. Grave proves he's craftier than anyone else as he hid a knife in his boot (SEE WHY IT'S NOT GOOD TO LEAVE SMALL WEAPONS ABOUT NACHO CHEESE DORITOS) and he starts cutting at Nox's rope.

None of the other competitors care because they're in it to win it, baby.

eyes on the prize, gentlemen

When the rope begins to snap, Cel kicks into action. She goes down the drainpipe and tears up her hands and feet. She grabs another competitor's rope and tied it around her waist (this is confusing, btw). 

"Touch this rope and I'll gut you," she warned the mercenary, and readied herself.

Honey, baby, sweetie, if he throws the rope off, then you'll be dead before you get a chance to do that.

She sprints across the stone gargoyles and jumps "into the void."