We've barely seen Dorian so I don't have anything to say about him.
Cel trains for a few days, in her room. Nacho eats breakfast with her, though why he wants to spend time he doesn't have to with this great brat, I don't know. They go for jogs in the game park together.
Apparently Cel is still vomiting. Maybe because you go running immediately after you eat, you buffoon. Eat something light, run, and then eat breakfast. You're not running a marathon.
Nacho really doesn't have a job because even after this running, they train in her room. Like, I get that Nacho would probably be training anyway to keep in shape, but why isn't he training with his men? He never thinks about the other guards as his "men", and the only time he's ever mentioned them has been when he was talking about Evil King Papa needed guards on his trip. He never thinks about his job, or shows any familiarity with any of the guards mentioned in the book.
Chaol Westfall is not the Captain of the Guard. He is a bored nobleman. The book insists he's the Captain, but other than one or two comments, he literally has nothing to show for it.
Until, that is, she collapsed to the ground and cried that she was about to die of hunger and fatigue.
Paragraph breaks mean something, sweetcheeks.
Nacho stays for lunch because he has no social or work life, and after that they go to train with the other competitors. Cel thinks about how much she loathes Cain. I don't see a problem with this. People tend to loathe people who are rude to them on their first meeting.
Except that she loathes him because everyone compliments him but don't note how perfect her form is. Because GOD FORBID she isn't praised constantly. YOU DON'T BECOME AN ASSASSIN AND KEEP THAT ATTITUDE IF YOU EVER EVEN HAD IT. The best assassins are the ones who aren't ever noticed.
She spares half a thought for Arobynn's other assassins, wondering if they felt like her, but she has no real thoughts about it because Cain is hogging her attention. Also no one knows what the first Test is going to be.
Nacho finally doesn't wait on Cel hand an foot and the day before the Test, he sends the guards to take her to the training room and doesn't show up for lunch.
Nox, the handsome dude, asks why there are more guards than usual in the room. Cel says that Nacho didn't train with her. That... has nothing to do with what he asked.
Nox introduces himself.
Why do these people keep saying things that have nothing to do with what the other person said?
Anyway, they talk about how Nox feels invisible with Cain showing off and he's a bit bummed by it. YOU'RE A THIEF, NOX, INVISIBLE THIEVES ARE LITERALLY THE BEST KIND OF THIEVES. Like, this is not something that needs to be discussed.
The stalker song of 2003
The narration points out that Cain is wearing a ring with a black stone on it, and that it's strange he's wearing it to practice. It's thrown in here with all the grace of a drunk elephant so we obviously know the ring is important, but at least something makes sense. Jewelry in fight training is no bueno and the narration acknowledged it.
Nox points out that one of the other thieves looks sick. Another assassin, Pelor, comes up to them and said the sick thief was talking to Cain. Cel thinks he's not very good at what he does.
Assassin indeed. his voice hasn't even deepened yet. How did he wind up here?You killed a man at 10 years old. Shut up. Arya Stark does not approve.
Pelor says that Eye Eater (his real name is BILL okay BILL) . The sick thief had apparently found him, and that he was ripped wide open.
Also. Eye Eater was in chains. He had a lot of guards. Why was he killed mysteriously and no one noticed until Verin found him? I doubt this will ever be explained.
A guard comes in and says they can just do whatever they want in training. Cel doesn't say anything else to her new friends and grabs a throwing knife belt. She goes to the archery targets and Nox follows her. They start throwing at the targets.
Cel wonders who could have killed one of the competitors and gotten away with it considering there are so many guards in the hall. Obviously the fact that they're all training to be an ASSASSIN is lost on her.
She starts throwing her own daggers and of course she's awesome after no practice for over a year. I don't doubt she has skills, not at all. But throwing knives and archery are two things you need practice to keep up with.
Cel smiles widely when Nox isn't as good as her. Verin calls to her from across the room, though how the hell she knows he's speaking to her is beyond me, as he doesn't use her name. He says, "Circus tricks ain't much use when you're the King's Champion."
Because throwing a dagger and hitting someone in the eye, effectively killing them, isn't useful to a murderous monarch? Eh?
Of course, it's just so Verin can tell her she only useful as a sexual object. Nox tells her not to listen to him and that they'd be useless in bed anyway and compliments her aim.
Cel calmly points out that his form is wrong. She demonstrates and gives him some instructions.
Then she threw with her left hand, and fought her whoop of triumph as the blade sank into the handle of another dagger.
Actual Footage of Me after I read that atrocious sentence
Does she have super Hulk Strength or something? That is physically impossible. It'd just bounce off. I shoot archery with a 35 pound bow. I once managed to hit a previous arrow I'd shot (a couple times, actually), but unlike Robin Hood, the arrow didn't split the other. It just bounced off and fell to the ground. My friend makes crossbows, and he was shooting with one that was either 150 or 200 pound draw (I can't remember). He hit a previous bolt. It didn't split like Robin Hood either, but it kind of embedded itself within the shaft. Split arrows are also possible with compound bows, but compound bows didn't exist in Robin Hood's era.
This was done with a crossbow and is the closest to the Robin Hood Split I've ever seen.
You can't do it with hand throwing metal daggers at other metal daggers.
Nox is inspired by this physics defying stunt, instead of screaming that she's a witch, and therefore his aim is better. But she can't give him TOO much of a compliment because how dare she encourage someone. Nox is from Cel's homeland, Terrasen. Cel has to lie more about her past and her father being disappointed that she was a jewel thief.
Nox notes that she has the best trainer, and that he saw them running before dawn. Nacho is utterly useless as a Captain, so why not. Nox's own trainer is uninterested. He asks if Cel would want to pair off for lessons.
"Why?" She reached for another dagger, but found she'd depleted her stock again.
Nox threw another dagger, and it hit the bull's eye this time. "Because my gold's on you winning this whole damn thing."
This idiot can't even keep track of her daggers (World's Greatest Assassin). and you've seen her running a couple of times. Sure, she has some weird power over the laws of physics but apparently that's not unusual in this world. So why would he think-
Oh right. Because Celaena is the bestest and she needs someone to tell her so in order to stroke her ego.
Later on Nacho randomly asks Cel if she does anything other than read (um, train? With you?). Apparently this rude bum walked in on her again.
Cel asks why Nacho isn't investigating Eye Eater's murder, but Nacho tells her to mind her own business. The whole reason he's here is apparently to ask her how she liked one of the books.
Nacho. There are half-eaten dogs found in the palace, and a competitor is dead. Why are you wasting your time talking to her?
Miraculously, Cel has pretty much this same thought. Go you, Celaena. You're learning, albeit very slowly. She asks why he's there, tries to bring up the murder, but he says he's tired because the prince made him sit in a three-hour long council meeting.
Why are you complaining? Nacho, you're the Captain of the Guard. Part of your job is talking with advisers and royalty about what's going on in the palace and the capital city. YOU SHOULD BE USED TO THIS.
They get into a discussion about his friendship with Dorian, and Nacho explains they've been friends since they were children. They grew up together with their lessons and training. He left when he was 13 when his father wanted to move back to his hometown.
His hometown is renowned for it's citizens being "warriors from birth" and that they were guardians from the "hordes of wild men" from the White Fang Mountain. I was never a fan of the "wild savage" people trope, and it just makes me uncomfortable. It worked in Firefly because the Reavers minds were chemically altered, but it has to have certain circumstances for me to be cool with it. Cel thinks about how she heard of the mountain men killing their families and then themselves in order to avoid being taken by Evil King Papa.
Instead of wondering what the feckin' hell EKP was doing to make these men take such horrific, drastic measures, she instead thinks that it's good that Nacho's people wouldn't have to face such horrible people.
Nacho tells her that he was groomed to join the Royal Council like his father. So his father took him home so he could get to know his people and his lands. Nacho, as a child, missed Rifthold. Cel assumes he ran away, but Nacho corrects her and says that Dorian got the old Captain of the Guard to take him on as an apprentice.
Nacho abdicated his title and then left for Rifthold. He apparently didn't learn much.
He then asks about a scar on her left hand. She explains that Arobynn wasn't pleased that she wasn't as ambidextrous as she should be. He threatened that either she break her own right hand, or he'd do it for her. So she broke it by shutting it in a door, and it took months to heal.
Nacho decides to change the subject and asks if she's ready for the first test. She lies and says that she is. Then he leaves.
Chapter 15
Though she'd never admit it, Celaena didn't really know what to expect at their first Test.Considering that literally no one knows except Brullo, I'm pretty sure you don't have to feel ashamed about admitting it.
Cel and Nacho go into the training room and only then does Cel remember that no one else knows anything either. Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Everyone in the room is very quiet. The sponsors are atop a mezzanine looking down on everyone. Cel's "throat tightened" when she sees the Prince. She hasn't seen him since she met Evil King Papa. They smile at each other.
Nox comes up to her and they talk about how it's a bit exciting. They joke around a little bit. She then decides to act like the World Greatest Assassin and realizes that Dorian probably knows what's going on and that he might help her. She looks up to him, is irritated at the sight of Duke Perrington, and then forgets what she was planning on doing as she thinks about Cain.
Brullo announces the first test. It's an archery contest. Cel is as confused by this as I am. The competitors get five shots, one for each target set up. Predictably, the one with the worst aim is cut from the competition.
Unfortunately, Cain didn't bother to hide his triumphant grin. Why couldn't he have been the Champion who was found dead?
Because this novel couldn't portray a mystery to save it's life and Cain is obviously the murderer?
They shoot one at a time. Nacho has to remind Cel not to show off.
It was an enormous leap of faith to give them arrows, even if the tips were blunted. A dull head wouldn't stop it from going through Perrignton's throat-or Dorian's.
Damn right it's a leap of faith. Or just straight up stupidity.
Why is an archery contest even a thing for this? Do you know how many archers a king has in his army? People who've been trained from a young age to do this. Archery isn't actually a very difficult skill to learn. I've taught it to four year old kids before. The key to having good archery skills is, as I mentioned earlier, practice and good form.
With twenty-two Champions and five shots each, the Test took a dreadfully long time.I can't imagine so. Five shots don't take that long to shoot. Even if each competitor took 5 minutes to shoot, it would take less than two hours. It would probably take less than 2 minutes each person on average.
I'm thinking more about this than the book did.
Pew Pew Pew!
The targets are situated that each one is further back than the one before it. Get some moving targets! These are supposed to be the best in the kingdom!
The first couple of assassins did well. Pelor barely made his shots because he doesn't have the strength to draw a longbow. The other competitors laugh, and it's revealed he wasn't trained in archery, but poisons.
"Poisons!" Brullo threw his hands up. "The king was a Champion-and you couldn't shoot a cow in a pasture!"
Okay what the hell. Poisoning someone makes them just as dead as an arrow through the heart. Why not hire the best archer and a kid who knows how to kill someone with different poisons? Hell, he doesn't even have to kill someone with poison, he could make someone's life difficult with poison. Like I'm sitting here coming up with a million ways poisons could be useful to Evil King Papa when he ALREADY HAS AN ARMY WITH ARCHERS IN IT.
This makes no sense.
Cel wants to smile with the laughing competitors because SHE IS THE WORST. FREAKING. ASSASSIN. EVER. No, seriously. She would have to know how useful poisons would be. This is common knowledge.
I MEAN REALLY. THIS WAS WAY MORE EFFECTIVE THAN AN ARROW TO THE HEART WOULD HAVE BEEN
Nox surprises her, though she mentioned in the previous chapter that he was really good at archery, by being good at archery. Grave literally does better than Nox (Nox got 3 bull's eyes, Grave got 4) and Cel thinks he "did fine, she supposed."
Was the editor blazing it when he or she was reading this?
Cain shoots (his black ring glints), and shoots all five arrows within a manner of seconds. He has 5 bull's eyes. Magic. It's magic. Come on, it has to be magic.
Except they're not all bull's eyes because they weren't in the black dot in the center. What. Cel gets satisfaction from this, but... that's actually INSANELY good. Like, better than professionals good, if he could hit those that fast without taking much time to aim (it's magic, but still).
Cel is irritated that Cain is going to get praise now because he deserves it. Like. What. I'm sure he deserved praise if he actually accomplished things like he had been (even though it's obviously magic, I'm going by what Cel see is going on).
Then it's Cel's turn. She thinks about how excellent she is. I mean, it's not that annoying, since she remarked earlier that archery is the first thing Arobynn taught her and she obviously had to have practiced a lot. I can see her being excellent. She gives herself a little pep talk and shoots.
She gets a bull's eye, and the competitors stop laughing at her. The next one, she hits the innermost ring that she's aiming for (to throw them off of her talents). She got another bull's eye, and then gets another on the "opposite side of the bull's eye" and I can't tell for sure what that means. One of the mercenaries snickers at her, though I have no idea why since her supposed shots are actually REALLY good for someone who hasn't had much practice in awhile and with an unfamiliar bow.
The arrow hit the absolute center, obliterating the black dot.
She couldn't even see the dot, so I call shenanigans. Nice job being "middle of the road" you jackrabbit.
Nacho scowls at her, but Dorian smiles. How dare people laugh at her, she has to prove she's the absolute best.
Pelor didn't get eliminated, of course, and Cel "couldn't stand . . . the feeling that she hadn't really won anything at all."
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