Throne of Glass Ch. 30-31

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with  my life when the highlight of my days is snarking this terrible book.

That kind of says more about me than the book, I think.


Chapter 30

I shuffled ahead a bit, this chapter is long. Sigh.

We open this delightful chapter with Nacho training Cel. That's new. They're working on archery (but didn't they already have an archery Test? Ugh). Specifically distance archery. Cel thinks the target is outrageously distant for "anyone but her."

Plz. You ain't no elf.

She blindly fires the bow after Nacho taunts her, and I can't tell what it hits. Just that it hits something. Cel notes that looks as if he hasn't gotten much sleep. Cel is pretty restless too because she's worried about the murderer targeting Champions.

The who didn't matter as much to her as the how-how was the killer selecting them? There was no pattern; five were dead, and they had no connection to each other, aside from the competition.

Sweet Legolas' Hair, you feckin' noodlebrained idiot. That's a GIGANTIC, IMPORTANT connection. This is a competition where people are dying during the tests just to win, and whoever wins will GET THEIR FREEDOM not to mention be pretty much the right hand of the king.

Will Graham would have this solved in ten minutes with time to go have an awkwardly tension-filled people-buffet with Hannibal.

A competitor could be murdered right in front of her eyes by Cain and the Gargoyles and she'd probably still stand there going 'WHY WAS THIS PERSON CHOSEN?'

Cel and Nacho chit chat about Cain knowing who she is, and how she'll still beat him in the duels. A guard summons Nacho, because another body has been found in the servant's passages. They think the body is from the night before. Nacho asks Cel to come along. I guess because he needs someone to make him look intelligent, I don't even know.

The dead body is pretty much the same as the others, with the Wyrdmarks and all.

There was no denying their connection now.

This is the sixth dead body, by the way

The dead dude is Verin, Cain's little lacky who keeps making derogatory sexual remarks to Cel. 

There are claw marks gouged into the ground, and she asks Nacho what animal makes them (Gargoyles). She notes that there's no blood in the claw marks (Gargoyles), and figures that the gouges are because the (Gargoyles) animal sharpened their claws on the floor before gutting Verin.

That's not how it works you goober. They're gouges. That would only succeed in filing down claws. 

This is how you sharpen knives, and it'd be similar for claws, one would assume.

Cel decides that means that the (Gargoyles) animal had time to (file down) sharpen it's claws before it gutted Verin. She remarks some nonsense about the torches and how Verin must have seen the (gargoyles) murderer before he died. 

"What if it wasn't an animal, but a person? And what if that person disabled Verin long enough for them to summon this creature?"

It's Cain and the Gargoyles. How much more do you want this spelled out for you.

Cel is doing most of the detective work here, while Nacho is observing. Most of this shit he should have seen for himself on the other victims, so either he's just seeing what she's seeing or he's super incompetent.

Verin was struggling to get away during the attack.

And, as Chaol's face paled, Celaena realized with a jolt that perhaps the Champion's killer and Elena's mysterious evil force might be one and the same.

ARE YOU THIS FUCKING CLUELESS WE ARE LITERALLY FIVE CHAPTERS AHEAD OF YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC "FRIGHTENINGLY CLEVER" ASS.

 Later on, Cel is looking for information on the Wyrdmarks. She looks at a map of Erilea and when her eyes land on Terrasen, her birthplace, she freaks and shuts the book. Dorian startles her by sneaking up on her, essentially.

Actual footage of Dorian sneaking up on Cello

You know it's a miracle someone hasn't straight up backstabbed this woman yet. She would literally neither see nor hear them coming.

These two assholes then start talking about Verin's murder, and Cel remarks that Evil King Papa's reputation is at stake.

The dude enslaves people regularly and burns people alive. I"m pretty sure a serial killer lose in the castle killing convicts isn't going to a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Cel changes the subject by asking why he looks so disheveled. She makes some joke about Kaltain. Dorian says that his new puppies aren't purebred and he's bummed about it. Dorian then asks why Cel's disheveled, and she says she hasn't been sleeping well. Dorian then asks her to play the piano. 

She says no, and Dorian picks at her wondering why she doesn't want to play for people. Dorian says that he just wants to know more about her. Cel is pretty closed mouthed. I'm bored. She finally tells him why she likes music. 

This whole conversation is boring. And I like waxing poetic about music.They continue on playing twenty questions. Dorian has some highly romantic notions for a prince who was probably raised with the idea that he was going to marry whomever his father told him to. I guess we're supposed to coo at how romantic he is, but considering this guy is a douchebag it just sounds douchey.

They argue over what marriage is. And then argue about each other. Dorian is super offended that Cel thinks it's no big deal to marry someone for political game. Then they get into an argument about politics.

They're arguing about things, but it's nothing really interesting. It's things that they're "supposed" to say and feel, and I don't really get any sense that they believe what they say. These two have shit chemistry and I hate them.

Dorian points out Cel's amethyst ring and asks who gave it to her. She doesn't tell him, but thinks about how badly she wants to touch him. Cel is creepy. They get up to play billiards at the end of the scene.

We switch to Nacho's POV. He's watching Duke Perrington. Nacho thinks about how the other sponsors aren't really upset about any of the competitors deaths, and he thinks that the murderer could be one of them (wow, you think so? Stunning detective work).

Apparently every now and then the duke has a weird shadow that passes over his face.

He's evil. He's in it with Cain. Duh. He gave Cain the Ring. This is obvious.

Nacho then looks at Kaltain, who is looking at the duke and plotting because she knows how to get shit done. Apparently the Duke is also wearing a ring like Cain's (HOW FUCKING OBVIOUS CAN THIS GET ARE YOU KIDDING ME). Kaltain doesn't notice anything about the duke, or at least that what Nacho thinks because she keeps on a good poker face. 

This scene is entirely pointless.

Here have another gif of Legolas.

Chapter 31

For once, Cel actually knows there's someone standing by her bed before they wake her up. She tries to pull out her shiv (I refuse to call it "makeshift knife" any longer), but the woman standing there is Fairy Princess Elena. Well, Queen, but princess flows better and doesn't bring to mind Edmund Spenser. 

Cel asks what she wants, and Elena's like "You have to win the competition", which Cel was already planning on doing, and she says as much to the Queen, asking if there's anything more useful she could tell her.

Elena's entire existence is pointless, because she's like "I don't know anything else." She also remarks that Cel doesn't trust her (actually a good move on Cel's part because ELENA IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD). Elena tells her to keep her eyes to the right and disappears.

To her right is the hidden passageway.

We then skip to the Test the next morning (pointless scenes all over the place).

We'd skipped over a knife-throwing test at some point in all the other chapters (thanks for telling us). And this test is...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THEY HAVE TO IDENTIFY POISONS. BRULLO, YOU FUCKING MORON WHAT THE HELL.

I will never, EVER get over the "what use are poisons" bullshit. This book can't keep it's epic fails straight either. 

They have to put the goblets in order of safest to deadliest. Harry Potter did this scene way better. Cel works, and it's freaking boring. She remembers Elena's advice about "look to your right" and to her right is PELOR THE POISON MASTER so she cheats off of him.

Not laughing so hard at this kid now, are you? He just saved your ass, DIDN'T HE.

That's right.

Apparently no one else remembered that Pelor is good at poisons because I think the entirety of this kingdom spends their lives stoned.

Time's up, and the competitors have to drink their most benign goblet. A lot of the competitors didn't finish so they random put goblets in order. Apparently there were antidotes for the poisons in case someone drinks the wrong thing.

Cain drinks belladonna, by the way. One of the competitors nearly dies after taking a bad poison. Cel drinks hers, and it's nothing. and Pelor does the same. Brullo compliments the both of them and Cel is gracious enough to share "the victory with an ally."

That's because he let you cheat off of him for god knows what reason. He's probably stoned too.

Mercifully this chapter is over.