Crown of Midnight Ch. 19-21

I took a much needed break from this book yesterday.

Chapter 19

Chaol stood before the king's throne, almost boring himself to tears as he gave yesterday's report.

I just.

No.

Nacho, if you hate your job, go get a new one. Jesus.

He thinks about wanting to do the do with Cel. He tells himself that crossing that line would be Bad News Bears, because his loyalty is with Prince Fizzbitch and Evil King Papa.

A carnival is coming into town, and Nacho has to run a security detail for it. Also, EKP wants Nacho to start keeping tabs on Nehemiah (this wasn't a thing that was already happening?) because she's starting to influence people. 

"I know that we already have some men watching her, but I also received word that there was an anonymous threat on her life."

Wait, she's already being watched and you told Nacho that she needs to be watched? Maybe be watched more closely? Words mean things. 

Nacho hasn't heard about the threat, and Evil King Papa says that that no one has heard of the threat, not even Nehemiah.

...dafuq? Is the King completely high? Who did he receive word from? What's the point of issuing a threat if no one hears it? 

EKP tells Nacho not to alert Nehemiah of the threat, because it might be used as leverage. Nacho agrees and decides not to tell Cel either. 

While he knew that Celaena would be furious that he didn't tell her, he was the Captain of the Guard. he had fought and sacrificed nearly as much as Celaena had to get to this position.

That is demonstrably untrue, you absolute walnut

"Oooh my daddy disowned me and then I got a cushy job that I barely do, but that's roughly on par with having my parents murdered, being left for dead and rescued by an assassin who essentially forced me into becoming an assassin too and physically abusing me to 'train' me, and then getting caught and sent as a slave to a salt mine where they physically tortured me."

Dick.

Fizzbitch is sparring with some guards. Which is more interaction than Nacho has had with them in the entire series. He's kind of freaking out over his newly discovered magic power. He thinks it should be impossible that he has magic. 

Rolaids comes up and apologizes for their little spat in the council the day before over the labor camps. He apparently called off the vote, and says he only backed it because other people were. 

Prince Fizzbitch spends like three paragraphs thinking about not finding Nehemiah the day before instead of continuing the conversation with Roland. Prince Fizzbitch tries to blow him off, but he's not having any of it. Apparently, EKP was totally pissed at Fizzbitch's outburst, and Fizzbitch says men have been killed for far less.

"Yes, but when you're as handsome as I am, dear cousin, you'd be surprised by how much more you can get away with."

Or, you know, the fact that Fizzbitch is his son and heir. WTF Rolaids you're high too.

Fizzbitch then tries to think the best of Rolaids because why not? He tries to play nice with him to get him onto his side. Yes, politics! Rolaids is playing him like a fiddle, obviously, but at least he's trying! 

Prince Fizzbitch peaces out to the courtyard where the carnival is being set up. It's a small carnival for Hollin's homecoming. It's called the Carnival of Mirrors, and there's going to be something about illusions. Fizzbitch is concerned about it looking too much like magic for his father's comfort. 

Nacho shows up with Cel. Cel is standing by a cage covered with a sheet, and Nacho freaks out all of a sudden.

Chaol suddenly gave a violent curse. Dorian didn't particularly want to, but he followed after Chaol as he stalked to Celaena and yanked her arm away from the black curtain. "You'll lose your hand like that," the captain warned her, and she glared at him.

Okayyyyyy? Like, is it an animal? There is no further explanation.

Fizzbitch whines to himself about what would happen if Cel found out he has magic. She asks if he found Nehemiah, which he didn't. Cel is impatient to see what's in the cages. So she starts walking into the carnival, with Prince Fizzbitch following her. 

An old woman is welcoming people at her wagon. She's a fortune teller. She has odd, iron teeth. Fizzbitch gives us some info on a place called the Witch Kingdom that was destroyed five hundred years earlier. There's some mention of the Ironteeth Clans overthrowing a peaceful dynasty. The last queen cursed the Ironteeth clans that their fields wouldn't grow food while they were in power.

The old woman is named Baba Yellowlegs, her legs are actually yellow (sorry, "saffron"), and that is way too close to Baba Yaga for my comfort (leave  Baba Yaga alone!). Cel blanches, and Nacho nears her and touches her. Fizzbitch is a bit jealous.

Cel calls her a witch. She's legitimately scared. Baba Yellowlegs admits this with pride, hailing from the Witch Kingdom. She asks to read Cel's fortune, but Cel is having none of it. 

Baba Blacksheep snarls at her then (moodswing much?) and tells her to go away. Nacho gets in a tiff with her for being a rude hag, so Fizzbitch coaxes them away.

Baba Yaga doesn't have time for this shit.

Cel is still shaken up. She was extremely bothered by Baba Blacksheep from stories she heard as a child. Apparently she was giving off some bad mojo vibes. There were stories that the Ironteeth witches ate children.

Also, while she was standing in front of Baba Blacksheep's wagon, all she wanted to do was go inside, and the crown of stars Baba was wearing has some significance, and her dumb amulet warmed up.

So... why didn't we see any of this from Cel's point of view? We could have had all the info dumping on the Witch Kingdom from her, as well as her childhood fears, and the feelings of desire to go into the wagon. Summing it up after the fact completely kills any tension.

I mean, who am I kidding, this is the sequel to the book that summed up most of the tests in the competition after the fact.

Okay, Cell keeps calling Baba Blacksheep just "Yellowlegs" in narration and it is cracking me the hell up.

Yellowlegs.

Like.

What.

Every time I read "Yellowlegs" I imagine these bad boys.

Anyway, the threesome head to the stables where Prince Fizzbitch has a gift for Nacho's birthday. A gift of an Asterion stallion. Nacho doesn't feel he deserves such a fine animal. Cel says she had an Asterion mare once upon a time. Apparently the mares are worth more than stallions (really? Based on what?).

Apparently she stole her from some guy named the Lord of Xandria. I'm guessing this is a prequel story.

Fizzbitch asks what they're going to do for his birthday, but all Cel says is that they have "plans". Cel is also upset that Nacho is acting a bit distant with her. She skips the carnival (really? The only passably interesting thing happening in the novel and she's not going to it?) and goes back to her rooms. She wants to go back to Elena's tomb. Apparently the hole that she couldn't figure out before? She totally knew the whole time that it was shaped like her amulet.

You couldn't share this with the class? What the hell. I'm sick of this misdirection bullshit from the POV character. It's the worst.

Chapter 20

"Mort," Celaena said, and the skull knocker opened an eye.

"It's terribly rude to wake someone when they're sleeping," he said drowsily.

LIKE SHE ISN'T EVEN TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT SHE BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF LABYRINTH ANYMORE.

She asks Mort if the amulet has power, and he says of course. he explains that it protects her and guards her from harm (yes, that would be protection).

Cel goes into the tomb, and Mort snarks at her and he needs to shut up before I reach into this book and punch him in the face for being a tasteless ripoff. Anyway, she goes to the eye in the wall and sticks the necklace into it. It doesn't work. She wonders if she should say a spell or something, and even tries to say "Ah! Time's Rift!" which is written on Elena's tomb.

Side note, if the amulet is "thousands" of years old, and it belonged to Elena, then how can she read the words on the tomb? Languages change over centuries, not to mention millenia. Asking for a friend. (standard cheap fantasy static languages, I guess)

Cel throws a bit of a hissy. Mort tells her she hasn't asked the right questions. And instead of asking him what the right questions are, she leaves in a hissy. GOD.

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

CAN YOU JUST FUCKING SIT DOWN AND SOLVE THIS? WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS GODFORSAKEN PLOT RUN ON FOR FUCKING EVER?! THIS IS POINTLESS.

Cel has a dream. It's stupid.

Nacho is mad that Cel didn't meet him for their morning run, so he goes to her rooms. Instead, he finds Nehemiah, a note, and no Cel. Apparently it's the ten year anniversary of the day her parents died.

You know the traditional 10 year gift is aluminum or tin

(Or diamonds)

Chapter 21

Nacho is sad. He realizes Cel was only 8 when her parents died in the invasion by Adarlan's forces. He asks Nehemiah how she knows about her parents, and apparently Nehemiah knows "with her heart" because that makes so much sense. The note says she won't be back until night time. 

Cel is wandering a forest with Fleetfoot. She thinks about what she has to do, her dumb dream, and flashbacks to when she snapped in Endovier and killed twenty-four people.

She had killed the overseer with a pickax, and apparently the look in her eyes keeps the other slaves at bay, not the bloody pickax that she just used to kill the overseer. She hits the man again in the face. 

[ . . . ] she brought down the ax upon the shackles that bound her ankles to the rest of them.

Holy shit how did she not break her ankles?!

Words mean things! Shackles are these:

She didn't say the chain between them, so wow. An editor should have caught that. 

A random woman is dying. She kills more guards, and blood is soaking her clothes. 

She had marked their faces the day they'd dragged that young Eyllwe woman behind the building, marked every detail about them as they used her, then slit her throat from ear to ear.

Was Cel there behind the building with them? Because that's the only way she could have "marked every detail about them as they used her". Ugh. Cel finally does something badass and the writing fails so hardcore that I can't enjoy it.

More guards die.

Also apparently cutting her hair is on par with whipping her. Wtf.

She thinks about how she tricked them into thinking they had broken her. She ditches the ax and grabs one of the swords and starts running for the wall. They can't even bring her down with arrows because they suck at being guards. Nacho must have trained them.

They wouldn't kill her, by order of the king.

Didn't she think it was Arobynn last book, who paid people off to keep her alive? I can't remember and I don't know why I care.

She starts laughing when the guards finally surround her and put her in shackles again. She manages to kill four more guards but it doesn't explain how. She blacks out before touching the wall.

Back in the present, Nacho is chillin' in her foyer when she comes home. Fleetfoot is excited.

You know, for a dog who was having serious behavior problems and hates people, he's delightfully friendly. Guess Cel's magic-fu turned him into a friendly dog.

She goes into her bedroom and Nacho follows her. She hasn't said anything, and is kind of doing a bleak stare thing. She goes into her dressing room and changes into a nightgown.

She says she doesn't want company, and Nacho is a dick and tells her that "want and need are two different things."

He thinks it would be better if Nehemiah were there instead, but he's too selfish. Apparently he brought chocolate cake and that perks her up. They kind of get caught up in something of an embrace. He sticks his hand in her hair and she hugs him. He wants to sleep with her, pretty obviously.

She runs her hands down his back, "digging into his muscles". Wow, and they haven't even gotten to the kissing part yet. Cel says she's torn between being ashamed and grateful about her desire for him. He's so freaked out by this that he lets go and steps away.

Cel is like "Whatevs" and goes to eat the damned cockblock of a chocolate cake. 

The longer I put off the sexy times the better.