Crown of Midnight Ch. 46-49

CAN I BE DONE WITH THIS YET UGHASDFKJ;Lk


Chapter 46

"Ah! Times Rift!" is an anagram for "I am the First."

Where are the exclamation points in I am the First? Is it suppposed to be like I AM THE FIRST!! so you know the first is very excited? Also, getting Voldemort vibes.

AND HIS NAME IS EVEN RIDDLE LOLOLOL

Mort opened an eye. "Clever, wasn't it? To hide it right where everyone could see?"

Considering these keys have the power to open a gateway to hell, essentially, this the furthest thing from clever. Especially considering they WROTE A GODDAMN RIDDLE TO POINT IN THE CORRECT DIRECTION.

Still thinking that throwing these in a volcano was the best bet but no one asked ME.

Oh, by the way, Cel still had to ask Mort what the anagram turned in to, in spite of the fact that she did in fact figure out it was an anagram. 

She figures out the key is in the crown of Elena's sarcophagus, but it's missing, supposedly taken by Evil King Papa. Apparently EKP was only 20 when he took it (and... Mort didn't decided to tell her LAST FUCKING BOOK? I mean, he was obviously not thought up until this book, which means the plotting is shit. But don't you think that's something you might have mentioned that OH HEY EVIL KING PAPA TOTALLY KNOWS ABOUT THIS PLACE.)

Mort claimed he didn't know what it was, but he should at least have told Cel that EKP KNOWS ABOUT HER SECRET LAIR.

Mort says that he doesn't think Evil King Papa has all the keys (maybe two). Cel figures out that EKP has been using the key to squash all the magic except his. 

Cel decides to talk to her dead bestie through magic. She figures Nehemiah knew more than she ever let on and wants to figure out what her plan was. Mort tells her to not do it. She plans to do it anyway.

POV switch to Prince Fizzbitch. He has a dream. It's boring. Someone tells Fizzbitch to stop something that's happening. So he wakes up and goes to stop Cel.

Chapter 47

Cel is cutting herself and making wyrdmarks with her blood from the Walking Dead.

She starts reading the spell. The language is hard for her to say, like, magically (getting some Black Speech vibes as well) and it's effecting her physically.

No wonder this kind of power fell out of favor.

 As opposed to Evil King Papa FUCKING OUTLAWING MAGIC.

Nothing happens. Fleetfoot the dumbass dog arrives for no reason. Nehemiah's form appears and admonishes her for being an idiot. She tells her not to summon her again in the future. Then she tells her one last thing.

"You will not understand it yet, but . . . I knew what my fate was to be, and I embraced it. I ran toward it. Because it was the only way for things to being changing, for events to be set in motion."

Are.

You.

Fucking.

Kidding.

Me.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION NEHEMIAH HAD WITH ELENA WAS ALL LIKE 'HEY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HORRIFICALLY MURDERED BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER WAY CELERY STICK IS GOING TO GET HER FUCKING ASS IN GEAR BECAUSE SHE IS SO ADVERSE TO DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING'

AND NEHEMIAH WAS LIKE 'OKAY SURE LET ME GO MAKE EVERYTHING AS FUCKING COMPLICATED AS I FUCKING CAN. AND I AM A SYMBOL OF HOPE FOR MY PEOPLE AND MY VERY EXISTENCE MAKES THEM SURVIVE AND WANT TO FIGHT. LET ME JUST GO FUCKING DIE FOR NO FUCKING REASON JUST BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND ISN'T CURIOUS ENOUGH'

Archer shows up, randomly, to end this chapter in the worst way possible.

Chapter 48

I just ate Chinese food and that calmed me down somewhat. Here we go.

Apparently while Cel has been stalking Archer, he's been stalking her as well. We could have had some hilarious shenanigans set to the Benny Hill Theme but NO this book refuses to give me anything good. Nehemiah showed him the secret passageways.

Cel tries to get rid of the portal, but Archer stops her, and she sees a tattoo on his wrist.

A black tattoo of some snakelike creature appeared there.

ARCHER HAS A FUCKING DARK MARK?!

At some point Nehemiah had tried to tell Cel not to trust ... something... and couldn't just be like "Oh hey, don't trust Archer, okay?"

Archer asks Cel how she made the wyrdmarks work and if she has the wyrdkeys. He apparently put the one riddle in the book in Davis' office so she'd find it. And that he knew she'd be the one to solve it.

BATMAN GAMBITS ALL UP IN THIS BITCH. 

I mean, Cel is a certified idiot so he's just super lucky. 

Archer wants to tell people about the keys, so he doesn't have to leave and fake his own death. When Cel says no, he revises the plan to stealing the keys.

"Then we'll create a world of our own making!" His voice was building into a frenzy, each word harsher than the next.

Archer's descent into power hungry madness would make more sense if we hadn't only gotten one hint that he wanted power, and right on the heels of him talking about how shitty his life was. Just sayin'.

I mean, subtlety isn't this series' strong suit.

Cel does the whole "tell this person what they want to hear so we get more information thing". Archer buys it because he is apparently a SHITTY whore as well as power hungry lunatic (no, seriously, to be a good prostitute you'd probably be able to tell people what they want to hear and understand manipulation. E.G. Our Mrs. Reynolds episode of Firefly... Inara TOTALLY was up on Saffron's manipulations).

Nehemiah apparently left the rebel movement because she didn't agree with using the keys, but Archer thinks she just wanted them for herself.

She smiled even as she felt the world shifting beneath her. And she couldn't explain why, or how she began to wonder, but if it was true, she had to get him to admit it.

I take back what I said about the writing being better in this book.

Cel tries to gain Archer's trust by stroking his ego. It's so overwrought that I'm really insulted on behalf of humankind that Archer can't see through it.

BTW, right before this, she's literally said she would sooner destroy the keys than use their power. SO I guess Archer conveniently forgot that was even said. 

LOLOLOL ARCHER WAS THE ONE WHO ORDERED THE HIT ON NEHEMIAH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

The only reason he kidnapped Nacho was to get Cel away from the castle.

This book fucking sucks.

Archer did all of this because he needs Cel.

WHY? WHY DO PEOPLE FUCKING NEED THIS IDIOT CHILD SO MUCH? SHE'S A CRANKY, SHITTY ASSASSIN WHO CAN'T EVEN SOLVE RIDDLES ON HER OWN WHAT THE FUCK IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT THIS BITCH?!

She stabs Archer with a dagger, but it goes through his shoulder and not his heart. She drops her sword to pull daggers because of reasons?

The portal that she opened to talk to Nehemiah has been open this whole time, and something comes through.

POV switch to Nacho. He can't sleep...........

ARE WE SERIOUSLY INTERRUPTING THE ACTION TO SHOW AN INSOMNIAC DOUCHE LAYING DOWN?

He decides he just so HAST to go talk to Cel RIGHT NOW because dammit, there aren't enough coincidences in this novel. But Prince Fizzbitch shows up at his door before he can leave. 

There's an entire paragraph that explains that Nacho knows Fizzbitch is worried about Cel before he says anything and it's 100% pointless except to try and explain away the coincidences.

They go to Cel's rooms, but of course she isn't there. They break in, and they find the secret passageway wide open. Lucky, that. They head down and argue about Prince Fizzbitch staying behind. Of course he doesn't. 

They had never found the creature that had been killing the champions.

OMG I FORGOT THAT THEY NEVER RESOLVED THAT! I mean, cel killed the ridderak but everyone else was like "Oh, good thing that creature stopped killing people, let's pretend nothing ever happened!"

They find Archer and Cel. Archer is reading from a book, and Cel is laying on the floor. There's also a monster. Fleetfoot too because i hate that fucking dog.

Nacho attacks.

Chapter 49

I don't want to read another chapter but it's short and I want to be done with this book ASAP.

Cel had been knocked out by the demon. She watches Nacho circle the demon, and Prince Fizzbitch checks on her. Nacho gets scratched. Prince Fizzbitch hits the demon or whatever it is with magic. He has something called raw magic.

Archer is a dick and runs off with the book so they can't close the portal.

Prince Fizzbitch wants to go after Archer, but doesn't, and Cel says there's other books that can close the portal (THERE ARE? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!). Prince Fizzbitch drags her to the stairs.

Nacho is like "Imma die but I don't care" as he faces off with the monster. 

cel starts shouting, and it doesn't say what she's shouting but I think it might be Fleetfoot's name? WHY IS THIS SO CONFUSINGLY WRITTEN. 

The creature grabs fleetfoot and pulls her through the portal. GOOD. I love animals but this stupid animal is so annoying I'm glad it's gone (I have some issues with this dog from the first book, obviously).  

bUT THEN NACHO JUMPS INTO THE PORTAL AFTER THIS FUCKING USELESS DOG ARE YOU KIDDING ME EA;LSDKFJA;SKLDJF;

ASD;K

ADKL;ASDJ;FKLJA

THEN CEL SLAMS DORIAN'S HEAD INTO THE WALL BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO CHASE AFTER THEM BECAUSE THIS BOOK IS THE FUCKING WORST

THE WORST

SHE RUNS INTO THE PROTAL TOO I CAN'T EVEN

SHE THEN 'UNLEASHES THE MONSTER INSIDE HERSELF' I HEAVE ATKLJD;KL

CEL DESTROYS THE MONSTER WITH  MAGIC AND NACHO REALIZES THAT CEL IS FAE

ASDFKLJ;KLJ';

I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDIN GME

ASDKFJ;LK

I 

FUCKING

HATE

EVERYTHING