Coltrane has some shitty conditions, including moldy hay and a bucket to do her business. Cel thinks she deserves this. I mean, Cel has no idea of what Coltrane went through so I guess her sentiment is understandable, except Coltrane tried to poison ONE person (and didn't even want to kill her) and Cel supposedly murders people for a living and apparently never thought she deserved Endovier so. You know. There's that.
Cel tells Coltrane that she has some questions for her. Coltrane is super sassy and I love her. Cel asks about Rolaids and says that she doesn't think he can be trusted. Coltrane is like "Uh, duh, none of us can be trusted." She tries to bargain her way out of the dungeon and Cel threatens to beat her up for info.
Ahh, so classy. Cel has all the subtlety and diplomacy of a Mord-sith.
Oh Jesus, my baby Coltrane! Cel has the decency to actually feel bad about this and tells her she's sorry. She even decides to tell Nacho so that the night watch won't let Duke Perrington in anymore. Cel also chooses to be more gentle in her questioning.
Unfortunately, Coltrane kind of zones out due to her abuse and and Cel then thinks that the right person was locked away.
The only reason I'm not freaking out about this is because Cel doesn't really know that the Duke put her up to poisoning her. At least as far as I remember. Also I'm really too tired to work up a really good rant.
Coltrane says some crazy shit about headaches and wings. The dungeons are cold, so in a fit of uncharacteristic selflessness, Cel takes off her cloak and gives it to Coltrane.
Coltrane is obviously dealing with her withdrawals from the Reefer (okay, Opium) and states that she thinks she was brought to Rifthold to be used, not to marry Perrington. Cel dismisses this because Coltrane has a hard time putting it into words. Cel literally just pointed out to herself that being cut off from opium was messing her up but doesn't think to follow up on this incredibly suspicious comment because she's "mad" (as opposed to dealing with hellish withdrawals).
You know, for the heroine of this story who wants to find out so badly about Rolaids, this chick lacks some much needed curiosity about the shit going on around her.
SO WHY DIDN'T WE SEE NACHO DO ANY OF THIS LAST BOOK?
They talk about how awful Joffrey-lite is, and Prince Fizzbitch thinks to himself about how awful Nacho's dad was for disowning him. He complains out loud about having to go to his brother's welcome-home dinner. They talk about Archer Finn a bit, and how Nacho doesn't like him. Fizzbitch is like "wtf dude get over it he's gonna die so stop being jealous."
Nacho is like "I'm not jealous!"
And I'm like, you're a freaking idiot.
Now we're back to Cel. She's wearing a "scandalous" red dress inappropriate for the weather.
Cel runs into Nacho as she's leaving the castle and he immediately tells her she isn't wearing the dress to meet Archer because this book is determined to make me hate him. They argue about her wearing the dress for a bit (notice she mostly argues with these two guys). She tells him she's wearing the scandalous dress to make Archer think she doesn't have weapons on her.
Which, considering he was also trained at the Assassin's Keep, wouldn't be a wise assumption to make on either of their parts. But this book has a track record of really fucking stupid characters so I'm just going to roll with it.
He chills out and Cel says she'll see him tomorrow. Nacho once again freaks out.
Archer is waiting for her in some elite restaurant, and Cel shows off her fancy dress.
This is so freaking disgusting. In all seriousness I can't even really snark it because it's so... unaware.
Cel notes that he's super bitter (surprise!) and asks if he hates his life. He tells her that he doesn't want to be a courtesan when he's rich and doesn't owe Clarisse (then why does he live in a fancy home and go to fancy luncheons especially now that he has such a fanclub? that shit costs money).
Cel tells him she was sent to assassinate him.
Chapter 11
Archer is like "fuck no" and pulls out a dagger and jumps away from her. He tries to say he can pay her if she doesn't kill him. Cel explains why the king wants him dead. Archer says he's not part of any rebellion, but will give her information about a group that is gathering power.
The group he's talking about thinks the king is planning some new "horror" and is trying to save everyone. They want to put someone named Aelin Galathynius back on the throne in Terrasen.
Spoiler Alert: Aelin Galathynius is Celaena.
She says that Aelin is dead, and Archer argues. There's a lot of rumors flying about her (obviously false since Aelin is sitting in that carriage with Archer).
Cel is very disturbed by this and wonders if she's an imposter. So Amnesia too?
She finally tells Archer that she's not going to kill him. She gives him the choice: fake his death right then, or give her information for a month and fake his death at the end of it. He chooses the latter. He asks why the king suspected him.
Cel honestly says she doesn't know but that the king suspected he was a part of a rebel movement. Archer is jealous of his power and Cel is like OMG HE'S HORRIBLE NACHO WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT HIM.
Dude is stripped of his humanity and forced into prostitute. What's so wrong with wanting power?
Of course he did say he wished he could be the sort of man that Evil King Papa is, so. Yeah.
BTW I will not be surprised if Archer dies at any point in this novel.
Wait, he has male clients too? Why then is Cel always going on about women? And the people who bid on his virginity were all women; the book explicitly uses the words "would-be patronesses". UGH. Not even going to get into the weird gender implications on that one.
He says he's going to sneak her into the party. Cel threatens him with death if he isn't too discreet (immediately have her says he wouldn't dare waste her time as she's Arobynn's protege). Archer isn't cowed. Now that the book needs him to be suspicious, Cel decides he's bad news and not the fluffy woobie prostitute he was three pages ago.
Next scene, she goes to Nacho's room. He's still grumpy with her for insinuating she was going to sleep with Archer. She admits he wasn't as "dashing" as she remembers. She tells Nacho what Archer told her. Except for anything abouther true identity Aelin Galathynis. Or the fact that Archer is actually in the movement (since she still needs to fake kill him and make Nacho believe that).
They argue when Nacho tells her to be careful. He finally shuts her up by saying that he's only telling her to be careful because he cares about her.
Cel tells Coltrane that she has some questions for her. Coltrane is super sassy and I love her. Cel asks about Rolaids and says that she doesn't think he can be trusted. Coltrane is like "Uh, duh, none of us can be trusted." She tries to bargain her way out of the dungeon and Cel threatens to beat her up for info.
Ahh, so classy. Cel has all the subtlety and diplomacy of a Mord-sith.
LBR, the Mord-sith had more badassery in their braids than Cel has in her entire body
[Celaena sees bruises on Kaltain's wrists] "The night watch looks the other way when Perrington visits."
Oh Jesus, my baby Coltrane! Cel has the decency to actually feel bad about this and tells her she's sorry. She even decides to tell Nacho so that the night watch won't let Duke Perrington in anymore. Cel also chooses to be more gentle in her questioning.
Unfortunately, Coltrane kind of zones out due to her abuse and and Cel then thinks that the right person was locked away.
The only reason I'm not freaking out about this is because Cel doesn't really know that the Duke put her up to poisoning her. At least as far as I remember. Also I'm really too tired to work up a really good rant.
Coltrane says some crazy shit about headaches and wings. The dungeons are cold, so in a fit of uncharacteristic selflessness, Cel takes off her cloak and gives it to Coltrane.
Coltrane is obviously dealing with her withdrawals from the Reefer (okay, Opium) and states that she thinks she was brought to Rifthold to be used, not to marry Perrington. Cel dismisses this because Coltrane has a hard time putting it into words. Cel literally just pointed out to herself that being cut off from opium was messing her up but doesn't think to follow up on this incredibly suspicious comment because she's "mad" (as opposed to dealing with hellish withdrawals).
You know, for the heroine of this story who wants to find out so badly about Rolaids, this chick lacks some much needed curiosity about the shit going on around her.
Actual footage of Celiac Disease
Now Cel is having breakfast in bed with Nehemiah, who has an appropriate response to all of this. Namely, anger at poor Coltrane's abuse and filthy, horrific conditions.
Cel literally just shrugs at Nehemiah's rant. I mean, she didn't spend a year as slave labor so it's not like she can understand the plight of-
Oh.
There's a fierce snowstorm that forced Cel back to the castle instead of failing to track Archer. Nehemiah insists that Cel talk to Nacho, which she's already done (it's a day later). Apparently Nacho was so pissed that he beat the crap out of his guards.
Okay but if this asshole had DONE HIS JOB in the first place, maybe his guards wouldn't need to be disciplined. I mean, this is mostly my own conjecture and not anything the book is actually stating, but if the shoe fits! Nacho is a shitty captain of the guard, his men don't respect him, and therefore they let things slide. It makes sense with what's written, and that's unintentional on the author's part.
Nehemiah mentions when people served out of loyalty, not fear, and Cel is mostly jealous that she looks so perfect in the morning. Nehemiah goes on to mention the Terrasen royal court (aka the court country that Celaena was a princess citizen of before she came to Adarlan). Nehemiah's father would tell her stories about what an amazing pants-wettingly awesome place it was. God, even Cel's conquered country was so awesome everyone has to wax orgasmic about it.
Anyway, Cel says that if Terrasen were to rise again, it might have a chance against Adarlan. Cel agrees with this, and they chat a bit about honorable courts. Cel changes the subject.
Nehemiah says that Rolaids has joined the king's council, and Rolaid's job is to deal with Nehemiah. Fleetfoot steals bacon.
Cel wants to stay in bed all day being a lazy asshole, but she has to go get ready for dinner with Archer.
Chapter 10
Prince Fizzbitch POV. He hates winter. Why didn't we get that last book, when it was approximately ALL SET DURING WINTER? I'm still confused on how much time has passed between last novel and this one. Is this Narnia? Is this Canada? Is it endless winter? Why do I care?
He and Nacho are in the kennels. Hollin is home from school and is being an unholy brat, shrieking at everyone (and he hates animals).
Quick, someone poison his wine at his wedding!
Fizzbitch is upset that his mother pulled him out of school. I would be too, with Joffery-lite running around.
Nacho says that Evil King Papa wants Joffrey-lite home safe what with all the rebels rebelling.
Even as the captain spoke, Dorian could see him scanning, as he always did, for any sign of danger, any threat. After so many years, Dorian was used to it, but it still rankled his pride a little.
SO WHY DIDN'T WE SEE NACHO DO ANY OF THIS LAST BOOK?
They talk about how awful Joffrey-lite is, and Prince Fizzbitch thinks to himself about how awful Nacho's dad was for disowning him. He complains out loud about having to go to his brother's welcome-home dinner. They talk about Archer Finn a bit, and how Nacho doesn't like him. Fizzbitch is like "wtf dude get over it he's gonna die so stop being jealous."
Nacho is like "I'm not jealous!"
And I'm like, you're a freaking idiot.
Now we're back to Cel. She's wearing a "scandalous" red dress inappropriate for the weather.
But Archer Finn had always liked women who were daring with their clothes, who were ahead of the trend.
Are we SURE he's not gay?!
Which, considering he was also trained at the Assassin's Keep, wouldn't be a wise assumption to make on either of their parts. But this book has a track record of really fucking stupid characters so I'm just going to roll with it.
He chills out and Cel says she'll see him tomorrow. Nacho once again freaks out.
Archer is waiting for her in some elite restaurant, and Cel shows off her fancy dress.
"I think 'stunning,' 'beautiful,' and 'dazzling' are the words you're looking for," she said.
Archer calls her arrogant and compliments her taste in clothing. They sit down and Cel asks how many ladies are jealous of her spending time with Archer.
He's a prostitute. He fucks people for money. I'm pretty sure like, one crazy bitch is jealous and the rest are like "I can just give him a sack of gold and I'll get him all weekend."
They talk for awhile about boring stuff. Archer asks how she got the job with Evil King Papa.
Cel doesn't actually answer the question, but says working for him isn't so different than working for Arobynn. Archer compares their professions (which makes sense. He screws people for money, she screws over people for money so, you know...).
We get some back story on Archer. He was 12 when the madam Clarisse found him, had a "bidding party" when he was 17 for his virginity (really). Damn that must have been one really disappointed first customer. I mean, whoever won the BRAWLS (yes, brawls happened during this bidding war) was his first customer.
I mean, Archer is talking about how horrible training for the bedroom his (how did he train if he never had penetrative sex at the very least), but he's just so freaking hot women are brawling over the chance to take his virginity?
Anyway, they toast and Archer stares at her or something. Cel calls him on trying to seduce her, and he just laughs and is like "If I was trying to seduce you we'd have left already fnar-fnar". Oh great, a male prostitute Celaena.
The dinner passes without event, and Cel rides in his carriage afterwards. Archer invites her to knock boots.
ugh no
Cel doesn't want to, partially because she thinks he wants a night off and partially because she just flat out doesn't want to. Archer tells her it's different when he chooses. He also "caresses her hand".
Cel notes that he's super bitter (surprise!) and asks if he hates his life. He tells her that he doesn't want to be a courtesan when he's rich and doesn't owe Clarisse (then why does he live in a fancy home and go to fancy luncheons especially now that he has such a fanclub? that shit costs money).
Cel tells him she was sent to assassinate him.
Chapter 11
Archer is like "fuck no" and pulls out a dagger and jumps away from her. He tries to say he can pay her if she doesn't kill him. Cel explains why the king wants him dead. Archer says he's not part of any rebellion, but will give her information about a group that is gathering power.
The group he's talking about thinks the king is planning some new "horror" and is trying to save everyone. They want to put someone named Aelin Galathynius back on the throne in Terrasen.
Spoiler Alert: Aelin Galathynius is Celaena.
She says that Aelin is dead, and Archer argues. There's a lot of rumors flying about her (obviously false since Aelin is sitting in that carriage with Archer).
Cel is very disturbed by this and wonders if she's an imposter. So Amnesia too?
She finally tells Archer that she's not going to kill him. She gives him the choice: fake his death right then, or give her information for a month and fake his death at the end of it. He chooses the latter. He asks why the king suspected him.
Cel honestly says she doesn't know but that the king suspected he was a part of a rebel movement. Archer is jealous of his power and Cel is like OMG HE'S HORRIBLE NACHO WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT HIM.
Dude is stripped of his humanity and forced into prostitute. What's so wrong with wanting power?
Of course he did say he wished he could be the sort of man that Evil King Papa is, so. Yeah.
BTW I will not be surprised if Archer dies at any point in this novel.
"There's a ball tomorrow night at a client's house; I've heard him and his friends murmuring about the movement."
Wait, he has male clients too? Why then is Cel always going on about women? And the people who bid on his virginity were all women; the book explicitly uses the words "would-be patronesses". UGH. Not even going to get into the weird gender implications on that one.
He says he's going to sneak her into the party. Cel threatens him with death if he isn't too discreet (immediately have her says he wouldn't dare waste her time as she's Arobynn's protege). Archer isn't cowed. Now that the book needs him to be suspicious, Cel decides he's bad news and not the fluffy woobie prostitute he was three pages ago.
Next scene, she goes to Nacho's room. He's still grumpy with her for insinuating she was going to sleep with Archer. She admits he wasn't as "dashing" as she remembers. She tells Nacho what Archer told her. Except for anything about
They argue when Nacho tells her to be careful. He finally shuts her up by saying that he's only telling her to be careful because he cares about her.
Oh Nacho.
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