AKA Celery Stick's philosophy on being the Greatest Assassin Evar!!
More and more worried with how well Archer quotes apply to this book.
Cel is still walking back to her room and thinking about the Ringwraith chilling in the library. Apparently there's a Lunar Eclipse going on as well, and Cel lampshades this. She decides then to go see if she can talk to Elena.
She goes through the secret tunnel and passes by where she had the fight with the ridderak. She still has scars from the encounter.
She debates on whether or not to enter the tomb when the bronze skull door knocker talks to her.
[heavy sigh]
Cel thinks to herself how impossible it is that the knocker spoke, and the knocker admonishes and says it can't harm her. Cel is so disbelieving because the talking knocker has to be magic, and magic disappeared ten years ago.
Except for all the magic that was used in the last book, of course.
We get a bit more information on how magic works in this world.
"New magic doesn't. But the king cannot erase old spells made with older powers--like the Wyrdmarks. Those ancient spells still hold; especially ones that imbue life."
I knew it was too much to hope that this author would use semi-colons correctly.
Then they get into a discussion on whether or not the door knocker is alive (it's not).
"You should apologize," it said. "You have no idea how loud and tiresome you've been these past few months [. . .]
[even heavier sigh]
So now Cel argues/banters with a fucking door knocker because somehow this book managed to annoy the shit out of me further.
She then asks if Elena is in the tomb, and they argue more. The knocker laughs at her name, and it's name is Mort. It tells her to knock, and the book starts calling it a "he" because it's a man I guess, IDK it's a fucking door knocker.
Cel knocks and goes into the tomb and Elena is nowhere to be seen. Mort explains that she was using her energy up pretty well helping out Celine Dion and needs to recharge. We get a couple paragraphs describing the tomb.
Mort says that he has a message from Elena but Cel's like "naw, I'm going to chill for another few minutes even though I was frantic for information from her just a minute ago." More stuff we already know about the tomb and the people in it.
That is a weird typo, btw
Forgotten. The same way legend had reduced the fierce warrior-princess to nothing more than a damsel in a tower, whom Gavin had rescued.
Um? Wasn't Cel all like ELENA WAS A WARRIOR QUEEN PRINCESS THING before she even talked to her in Throne of Glass? So? Why? I don't know. Ugh.
She finally asks for Elena's message. Pretty much Elena's like "LOL YOU HAVE A DESTINY BIATCH also you can make a difference because this is an after school special."
Essentially, it's up to Cel to save the world from a far darker power than the ridderak. Cel tells Mort about the Ringwraith and she finally freaking figures out that this is all connected to Evil King Papa. Mort tells her that it's her fate to destroy the evil and that it was her destiny that compelled her to come into the secret passageways on Samhuinn last book.
Cel is understandably irritated at this idea; because of her year in Endovier she felt like the gods abandoned her. Well, I mean she was an assassin, it's not like she was doing the gods work before that point in her life. But I can understand why she hates the idea of destiny.
Cel says that Elena needs to find another hero, and that it's too late anyway. Mort brings up her dead
Mort is like "Wtf you're a selfish douche" and Cel throws a hissy.
Fleetfoot and Celaena
Chapter Seven
Cel wakes up the next day annoyed and confused. Wow. Finally something Cel and I have in common. I often wake up annoyed and confused.
She thinks about how the king has "plans" and decides to listen to Elena and uncover them. She also decides to work more on talking to Archer, though why she can't just hire him for a booty call and be like "yo. so. Fake your death," I have no idea.
We then see Cel hitting up Rifthold and she's complaining because her dress is getting wet from the snow and she's cold. She also invited Nacho along on this mission of super secret secrecy.
They're heading to a tea room where Archer eats with other "male courtesans", and it's also where the fancy pants "elite patronesses" dine as well. I guess they're showing off their wares? Are there any male prostitutes that serve men? Because the vast majority of clients to male prostitutes are men. I mean, this IS a fantasy world, I guess, so sure, have a few male prostitutes that serve primarily women. Just thought I'd point that out there.
Cel tells Nacho to not say anything when they talk to Archer. The Willows, the tea room they're going to, is super upscale and has "hard-to-attain membership" and Arobynn Hamel, the King of the Assassins, apparently had membership there.
Still waiting on word on whether or not most people know who this guy is and know about the Assassin's Keep, because letting a guy known as the King of Assassins have membership into a tea room frequented by rich, powerful women seems a bit unwise.
Nacho balks at going into the girly tea room, and Cel makes fun of him for being afraid of being attacked by overly amorous women.
They go in some vague area and wait. Archer shows up.
Sadly he has "bronze" colored hair instead of black.
She accidentally-on-purpose bumps into Archer, and he immediately recognizes her. Dude is super sexy btw.
They walk back onto the street (I still have no idea where they were before Archer showed up). They then proceed to make a bit of small talk. She flirts with him, talking about how she's grown up now.
"You filled out a bit more, too," she said, returning the favor of surveying him.
Archer grinned. "Comes with the profession."
Dirty!
I bet he got filled- I mean filled out. Hahaha.
I am gross.
Anyway Archer studies Nacho (or checks him out, jury's still out in my opinion), and Cel says that Nacho is aware of everything. Archer asks how Cel got out of Endovier and Cel gives him the cliff's notes version.
They talk shop a bit (mostly about Arobynn and her dead boyfriend Sam). She's upset by the mention of Sam.
She put a hand on Chaol's arm, suddenly needing just to touch him to make sure he was still there.
Hardened assassin.
Cel asks Archer to have dinner with her on the morrow, and he accepts.
POV switch to Nacho.
During the whole exchange, all he'd really been able to think about was how much he wanted to slam Archer's pretty face against the stone building.
Holy Shitsnacks, Nacho
Apparently he hates that she has a nickname (Archer calls her Laena) and that she knows him better than he had assumed. Cel explains that Archer is fond of her, and she can use that to get information on the rebels.
Nacho is just relieved deep down that she's going to kill Archer (jokes on you, buddy).
Oh go wangst about killing Cain some more, you booby.
Apparently Nacho also knows who Sam, her dead boyfriend, was before he met Cel. Secrecy is not these assassins' strong suit.
Anyway, Cel says she hates the nickname Laena and this chapter is over.
Chapter Eight
[. . .]she needed the king--she needed his entire empire--to think she was his obedient servant.
So her position as the King's Champion ISN'T a secret.
dafuq?
Cel has to assist with guard duty at a state dinner. Because that's who I want at a state dinner, my super state sanctioned assassin. WTF.
She is fantasizing about stealing the food from the people at the dinner and eating it herself. Did she not eat?
Actual footage of Cellular Mitosis
Also...
Chaol stood at attention at the column nearest the king's chair, his eyes darting everywhere, always alert. He had his best men here tonight--all handpicked by him that afternoon.
ACTUAL CANON EVIDENCE OF NACHO DOING HIS JOB.
OMG BB PROUD OF U.
Cel is less impressed than me, saying that no one would be suicidal enough to attack the king at dinner.
SHUT UP HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THE RED WEDDING SHUT UP ALSO HE'S DOING HIS JOB DON'T DETER HIM.
Nacho starts doing his job, but also takes a level in jack ass as far as jealousy goes. I guess I had to settle for a trade off.
After the meal, EKP and CQM leave, and the guests stay and chillax. Cel watches Fizzbitch and Rolaids flirt with young ladies.
She has "gut feelings" that Rolaids is bad news and she's worried that Prince Fizzbitch actually likes him as a person. Also she thinks about how Prince Fizzbitch needs to be careful as he's walking a "dangerous line" with people. I'm pretty sure he's aware of that CONSIDERING HIS FATHER IS AN ABUSIVE, POWER HUNGRY MAD KING.
She also decides that Fizzbitch wouldn't know what his father's "plans" are. I kind of wish he did and was implicit in them because that would be a cool story but like Cel not actually using him, this story isn't that cool.
POV switch to Fizzbitch.
He noticed that Cel was watching him, but also that she made kind of googly eyes at Nacho. He thinks to himself that Rolaids came to Rifthold to find a wife. He also wants to punch Rolaids for... flirting and wanting to enjoy the comforts of the castle?
Cel gives him an expressionless glance and he gets pissy.
God, what is with everyone in this stupid book? Anyway, he leaves the hall and Cel follows him. He wants to ask her how long she's had the hots for Nacho, but doesn't. She notes that he's angry, but he tries to ignore her.
He heads towards the library, Cel following him. Isn't she supposed to be guarding the guests or just the king? EXPLANATIONS PLEASE.
Cel then says she doesn't trust Rolaids. Prince Fizzbitch argues with her assessment. Cel explains that he's from a little city and is probably out to gain something.
Well, duh. That should go without saying since that's the entire human history of politics.
Fizzbitch accuses her of using him to become the champion, and she snarls at him and yells at him for this rather understandable accusation.
They argue and we switch to POV.
OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS
KALTAIN
(Dubbed Coltrane by my friend and her friends).
Cel visits her in prison. Poor girl isn't doing so hot. We just rehash what happened to her at the end of the last book, and Cel says hello, Coltrane says hello back.
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